Maybe there's something up in the sky but air...

BEDA 12

2010-08-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

I read an article today (ok, on wikipedia, but still) about Shakespeare's sonnet #20, which I love. I admit though, I have never even tried to analyze it. Now there's this whole page about the "playful duality" of the poem. About male and female jambi, about phallic poem shapes (really? I mean... really?) and what not.

I don't really know how I feel about analyzing art. If you need to read a book to understand a painting, it doesn't really serve its purpose and if you need to attend a class to understand a piece of music, it probably doesn't reach you in the right places.

Having said that, there are some pieces of art that get more intense if you know the meaning behind it. Know what the artist wanted to show you, tell you, make you understand.

However, I read many many years ago in a book about Zen (of which I've read too many, I admit) that true art is the transparency to transcendency. Meaning that true art can catapult your soul into a state that you can connect to the higher energies of the universe and understand something about the piece, but more importantly, understand something about life and about yourself.

There are many pieces of art that I consider true art, but there are also many pieces I can't connect to at all. That's totally fine though, because maybe there's a person out there who can and they will be the better for it.

A woman's face with nature's own hand painted,
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion:
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue all hues in his controlling,
Which steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

BEDA 11

2010-08-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

Today, I would like to write about stereotypes. Btw, there's not really a good German word for stereotype.

If I look at myself, I am a lot of things. Many of which would be considered stereotypical.

I am a nerd.

Meaning, I love books more than some people. I am a scientist. I can explain to you the differences between plants and fungi. I am happy when I can stay inside for a few days to catch up on my reading.

I am gay.

Meaning, I love nice clothes. I adore musical theater, Glee, rainbows, double rainbows, Jake Gyllenhaal.

I am a child.

Meaning, I am a Disney fan, I love Pixar and Ghibli. I have difficulties seeing people as sexual beings and not just as people.

I am an old man.

Meaning, I can quote poems of Rilke, Shakespeare, Goethe, Dickinson by heart. I sometimes think the world is too loud. I don't understand what people around me mean when they are talking.

I am German.

Meaning, I am punctual. I like it when things are in order. I have a thing for desserts.

I am European.

Meaning, I have to shake my head when I see an American city celebrate it's 100th birthday when the village I grew up in is way way over a thousand years old. I have no problem with nudity, be it in film or elsewhere. I don't see my religion as my life's purpose. I love it that there is a plethora of countries at my fingertips, each with different languages, views, foods, cultures that I can experience.

I am a man.

Meaning, I love watching action movies. I can be very easily distracted by something I see. I am almost unable to talk about my feelings, nay to talk at all ;) I am worried about losing my hair some time in the future.

I am many many more things. Each can be attributed to a stereotype. But does that mean I'm stereotypical? We all have facets of stereotypes in our character line-up, but as long as we don't artificially stress and enhance these features, but rather let them go and grow and jump over other features that overshadow them now and again, we can all just be unique and not worry about stereotypes or about what people think of us. In which box people want to put us...

BEDA 9

2010-08-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

So what happened today... oh yes, I spent too much time on an examination table at the enterologist's. But let's face it, every second on a table like that is too much time.

To nicer topics: my parents are visiting...

Oook... to nicer topics. True Blood is amazing. I mean, it's not that it has the best story line ever told or the best actors ever to grace the screen, but it's so non-apologetic, which is something I love in everything. People, TV shows, music... just doing your thing no matter what. TB mixes gore and violence with emotions and sex and swirls it around in a big bowl of mystery, sets all up in the south where apparently everyone is always sweating and swearing and firing guns at each other - it's glorious. Simply marvelous. It's wonderful.

I think one of the reasons why TB is so successful is because it doesn't really care about the audience. They want to kill someone off, they will. They want to tear some character down till you don't like them no mo', they will. And they will for sure cut a bitch.

It's something I loved about Six Feet Under (which was one of the best shows ever to grace TV, but in the end got so near to real life, it scared me) and it's something I love about TB.

It's like the Lucifer to Glee. Glee goes for it, but stays clean and fresh, TB goes for it and gets down and dirty. Both have their admirers. And I love them both, which leaves me to wonder...

What does that say about me and religion?

Anyway, I have rambled enough, my parents are already looking at me funny, because I keep typing and typing. See you guys tomorrow and take care.

BEDA 8

2010-08-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

What can I say about this day? Well I could say a lot of things. Like for example that I saw Zombieland, L'auberge éspanol 1 & 2 and am a bit anxious concerning tomorrow's doctor's appointment.

What I will say instead is this:

We are all human beings. We have flaws. We have merits. And the fact that the song "No Surprises" by Radiohead is one of the most beautiful songs ever written should indeed be no surprise.

I would like to write much, much more, but my thoughts are swirling in my head and I need to lay back, relax and watch them like the Hubble telescope watches swirling galaxies from far, far away and try to judge from the colour and pattern how it must feel to be inside them.

BEDA 7

2010-08-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

Oops, I did it again. I "forgot" to blog. Sorry. My life can be a bit turbulent at times and it might happen that I don't have the time and/or energy to blog.

I'm here now... the thing is that I'm home this weekend, because I have a doctor's appointment on Monday in my home town. So I'm home and watch the parents go crazier and crazier every time I leave. They re-arrange, re-paint, re-do everything. I come home to find out they had an excavator come by to bulldoze the front yard in front of my window. Great. It's now a plain field of earth with exactly 3 big stones in it. Pretty. Thank you. It's not that I loved the mountain ash that stood in front of my window for a few decades -.- Parents, I tell you... nothing but trouble.

Tonight I'll go to the celebration of a wedding of one of my friends. The wedding itself was last December, but the celebration is now, because they didn't have any money before that. Money... always an issue. It's ridiculous. Several of my colleagues are pondering getting second jobs at a supermarket or something like that in the evenings and on weekends to get by. That shouldn't be necessary in my opinion, but the pay is actually not great (euphemism of the week). But there you go, you pick a job and you have to live with the payment. I could have been a medical professional, but I'm not, so it's my fault, right? Right? Oh I don't know.

Today, I ordered frames for several of my photographs that will look beautiful in my apartment (the walls are frighteningly white right now). I already see it coming. Once my apartment is finished I'll have a new job and have to move...

Anyway, I can already smell the fresh garlic so dinner is almost ready. See you guys tomorrow! Promise.

BEDA 4

2010-08-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

I saw Inception today. An exceptionally good film by all measures. I have to admit though that it didn't reach me emotionally, but rather intellectually, which is fine. A truly great movie, for my taste, makes me feel and not just think, but that's probably just me.

I had among other things a 3h meeting today where I had to present some data etc and I'm really tired, so please excuse this short blog. More tomorrow.

BEDA 3

2010-08-03T13:05:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about how this picture came to be.

This picture has been taken by me on a Saturday morning a few weeks ago. It's a picture of the inner harbor of my city with water so clean you can swim in it.

On the Friday before, a few colleagues of mine said they wanted to go out, explore the city. The weather was beautiful. A hot, dry summer's day and you already knew the night would be the same. I went with it and said I'd meet them down by the lake. Once down there, I didn't see anyone. Well... that's not completely true, I saw about 1000 other people, but not my friends. After a phone call I knew why, the meeting had been postponed for about an hour. Great. I went back home by bike and didn't feel like going out again.

When I came home, a very good friend of the family called me. I had pestered my parents for a while to call her, because I always loved her and she had been very sick the last few years. So after she heard how I had my parents call her to check up, she was moved and called me to chat. It was quite lovely, she's an amazing woman, an artist doing ceramics.

Anyway, I decided to try again to meet my friends at this place here:

We sat there and talked for a while, then went to a Biergarten and from there to a pub/club. This portion of the evening I'll leave out, because the best thing to be said about the club was that they played the Spice Girls, while the worst was that they played the Backstreet Boys. Twice. Oh yes.

Anyway, by then it was about 1-2am and a few of us (me and 2 friends) went to go looking for a club we've heard of. I had had a little bit to drink and felt a bit spinny... so after biking through the city we found the club. It was an industrial hall with the sound of minimal techno busting through the air. It was glorious (mainly because I had my ear plugs with me). We danced for a few hours and then decided to go home when the sun started to come up and shine through the broken down façade of the building we were in. So we started our journey back. Saturday morning, about 6am, sun is rising... it's really warm and we bike through the town only inhabited by people too awake to go home.

Then I took this picture.

So now you know.

If you want my advice, do something irresponsible once in a while. Something crazy. Go to broken down clubs. Stay up all night. Watch the sun rise with friends. Be young, no matter how old you are.

If you read till here, I adore you.

BEDA 2

2010-08-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not really feeling like writing, but I've learned that this is exactly the time you should do it. The pic I took in Japan summarizes my current state perfectly and concisely. I am closed up.

I am at a point where I would love to work 24h a day simply to clear my desk a little bit, but unfortunately I'm not build to sustain a 24h/day work life. I'm not. I'm inherently lazy and I have no problem admitting that. It should get better in a few weeks. Should. Well, let's hope so. And a little bit less rain so I could continue running in the evenings would be grand as well ;) See... the one time I'm not lazy and buy running shoes to get in shape - the weather decides that summer is over. I still have hope though.

I should just find a job I can do from home, my apartment gets nicer by the minute. Seriously, the book shelf / room divider I got delivered today is simply gorgeous. I don't want to leave my apartment anymore ;) Let's all sing together Mr. Kweller's hymn to nerds "My apartment".

On a more serious note, I don't know if other people have to work so hard at not slipping into gloomy periods. I have been working my butt off in that department for 20 years and I'm getting tired. I love life and I love being who I am, but the thought of things slipping by me, because I don't have the time to do them (*cough* VidCon *cough*) kills me. I know that we all have to do our part, have a job, be a productive member of society... but can't you make an exception with me? I promise I won't tell anyone that the world gives me money so I can travel the world :)

I just don't know. I always imagine that one day I find a job that fits me like a glove. Hasn't really happened yet, but I'll keep searching and keep you updated.

Take care.

BEDA 1

2010-08-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

What a week this has been, what a rare mood I'm in, well it's almost like being...

...totally f-ed.

See how I mixed and matched those two lyrics? Genius, ain't I. So this week has been mostly awful and I rarely say that. There's good in everyone and everything, but this week I had to look for it. I won't bore you with the details, but it involved among other things an unpleasant visit at the doctor's office and a really brutal car crash. Just to be clear, I was involved in both.

But let's start this BEDA off with some positive vibes. I did BEDA last year (2009) and I really enjoyed it. Of course, back then I had some BEDA buddies, but my faithful blog readers will suffice this time ;) There's something meditative about the way BEDA forces you to sit down at the end of each day and reflect on what you've done, what you thought about, who you met etc. It helps you get your life into perspective.

Oh yes, the positive vibes... let's see. I already got the pictures for my wall of photos, but still have to order the frames (Project milestone - check.). I might be involved in a very interesting project at work if I play my cards right. Which would be great, because these days I'm drowning in desk work without any real connection to my real work.

Yesterday, I went to my school reunion (10 years, good heavens) and it was rather pleasant. A good friend of mine said something along the lines of "I still see the people I like and if I haven't seen someone for 5 years there's a reason for that" and I partly agree with that. I still see many of my school friends on a regular basis, but still it's nice to catch up with people that moved away, married, had children, and children, and children, got divorced... I kid you not, all that happened to these people in the last years. I thought that I might feel a bit odd being out and gay and single and everything, but it wasn't awkward at all. If anything, some seemed to be jealous when I said that I like my new town but who knows where I'll be in a year. Could be Copenhagen, could be New York or Berlin. I'm open to everything.

People don't really change that much after you leave school. They get older, balder, fatter, whatever, but really they are still the same people. I feel like I change all the time. I never wake up the same person and that's one of the things I love about myself. Sure, I have traits that are constant, but everything else is like a shimmer of rainbow light :P My interests, what I do, projects, who I meet, I sometimes feel like the ADD poster hummingbird.

Every time I visit home, I realize that I miss it. "I miss the mountains" would be appropriate song lyrics here, even though they are only hills. But even if I miss my home, I appreciate being away. Seeing new things, new streets... new people. In the end, it's always about the people.

Like John Green said a few days ago. We're all the same. We're just some people looking desperately for a way to make a connection to other people.

After this rather profound statement I leave you with the best wishes for August and may it be full of BEDAs, even if Maureen Johnson, the BEDA queen herself, has announced not to take part due to reasons only she knows. Which is sad, because I love her blog immensely. Go check it out here.

A church is (not) just a house.

2010-07-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was on a conference the other day in Cologne and went into the dome for a minute or two (mainly to escape the sweltering heat) and immediately regretted not to have brought my camera. Well, my cell phone had to make do. I love being in churches. So serene. Calm. Cool. Quiet. Full of light and shadows. Candles that you light for the people in your life that need some light and some hope...

In the last few months I have developed utter spite for the catholic church and the way they handled the scandals surrounding (invading) them and I thought several times about leaving the church altogether. It has not come that far, even though I have no connection with the religious side of my religion. I do have, however, a deep connection with my church on a historical level. On a level of memories, of connection with my parents and with important times in my life that were marked with some kind of catholic ritual.

These days, I only attend church either at funerals or at weddings and I loathe it both times. Being in a church on my own, however, fills me with a deep peace and sense of belonging that is hard to come by. Maybe in a gay club at 4am when all are dancing to the same beat and we all know that we're basically the same... maybe then.

The catholic church and gay culture have shockingly many things in common (and I'm not only talking about men in dresses that surround themselves with guys too young for them).

This blog post did not go where I intended it to go...

Are we there yet?

2010-06-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's a simple question, really. Are we there yet? Or differently put: When will it be enough?

I'm here in this beautiful city, in my nearly perfect apartment, the light of the sunset is falling through my floor-length windows, I got a raise in my job, can do whatever I want. I can come and leave when I want, have people to do my bidding. My boss thinks I'm his go-to guy and thinks the world of me (even though he silently suspects I'm a bit lazy). My job ultimately helps people with uncurable disorders, I'm on a steep career track.

Still... I want... something else? something different? something... more? Something that will lighten up my life, something to brighten my nights. Something that I can't stop smiling when I think about it.

The fact of the matter is this: I know I can do something amazing with my life. What I don't know is if what I'm doing right now is this amazing thing. And it's killing me.

I'm here

2010-05-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

So the moving went smoothly... well... as smoothly as moving can be ;) My new city is absolutely gorgeous. The weather has been wonderful and people are just lying on blankets in the parks and under the trees... the trees! let me tell you, this city if full of trees and who wouldn't love that. My work is going ok so far, a few bumps in the road but overall I'm doing fine. And the moving alone and on my own? I really like it. Sure, I have to do shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills and rent and whatever, but it's not really that bad. I go to work by bike and enjoy the fresh air and the parks (gosh, I sound so cheesy right now).

What's missing so far is... some company. In a few weeks some of my colleagues from back home will move here to work with me so I'll know a few people then, but for now I'm pretty much on my own. Now if you know me (and by now you probably know me a little bit) I can be happy all by my lonesome :) but I installed a very.... interesting (?) app a few days ago. Oh, the wonders of technology. It's called "Grindr" and determines your position by GPS, then lists guys in your vicinity that want to a)meet b)talk c)hook up d)all of the above.

I was a bit hesitant, but thought I pretty much couldn't lose anything (but my dignity... oh who are we kidding... ;). So I'm online and I see a cute guy that is located.... 0m from me. I still think my GPS is a bit funky, because... he's not in my apartment and I don't think he lives above or below me, but still very near. We talked a bit and he seems kinda nice... you can't really tell after a few messages. We'll skype soon.

I still think it's so weird that I have been basically shut off from the world for so long and now I live here and *bam* meet someone. I mean, it'll probably lead to nothing, but still it's a contact.

0m away from me.

You say good-bye and I say hello.

2010-04-29T02:22:00.001-07:00

It's my last day of work. Good-bye old job, hello new one. I feel… elated. I thought I might be sad to let go, but again I surprise myself with my apparent lack of sentimentality. I don't know if I like my new job, or the pay, or the city, or or or… but what I do know is that I like the decision to go there - and really, that's all that matters. You never know what will happen, but as long as you're comfortable with your life choices, nothing can go too wrong.

So I sit at my desk, everything cleared up, only my laptop, cell phone, water bottle on it. I'm a little light-headed, but that's to be expected and that's ok. I simply have to wait till I finish my last meeting at 2, then cake at 2.30, then heading home to pack for a new life. If that's how moving on feels like, I should do it more often. I know that I always say "change is good for you", but there's a difference between saying it and living it. For the first time in over 4 years, I don't really know how next week will be like and what life has in store for me over the next months and perhaps years.

The sad thing is to leave my friends behind, but to be honest, I'll come home to visit and I've only seen them on the weekends in the last years anyway. The nice thing is that I'll be able to take my online friends with me (if I manage to pack my computer into my car. I'm still hopeful on that account!). I'll continue blogging and tweeting and basically you won't be able to judge that anything changes, but believe me - it will.

This is so not life at all...

2010-04-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

There are days when everything seems just so surreal. It starts with your alarm clock ringing/playing Love Story by Taylor Swift and ends with the light of the sunset touching the cherry blossoms just right. And all in between feels like the musical demon from Buffy decided to visit your town for a day...

People tell you what they really think.

You sing and dance while walking through the world.

Nothing, no matter how bad, can really get you down.

I'd like to tell you that days like these happen frequently in my life, but they don't. They come around every few weeks and I try to enjoy them for as long as I can.

So it was one of those days and let me tell you, I had some fun milking it. If you open your eyes and look out for these days, you'll find that once you're in one, you can do whatever. Everything you do will turn out... interesting. It's not like Felix Felicis and everything will turn out golden, but you'll have stories to tell ;)

Well yes, science can be fun :)

The bottom line is this: if you open your eyes, you will see stories around you. Adventures. Don't try to delude yourself into thinking (your) life is boring, because it isn't. You just have to pay attention.

Now that you mention it, leaving your house sometimes helps.

A cake full of rainbows

2010-04-05T11:58:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.

Light and Shadow

2010-03-14T13:30:00.001-07:00

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.

The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)

A way

2010-01-31T07:35:00.000-08:00

It's a curious thing. For the duration of our lives, we are looking for ways. Right now, I'm looking for a way out. Out of this straight and (more importantly) narrow track that I'm on. I feel as if I don't have creative control anymore, can already see myself as a 40 y/o. Job. Title. Power. Whatever. I realize that many people are probably right now looking for a way in. Into all of these things that I seem to be afraid of or might even hate a little bit... I can't completely describe it, but something I need in life is possibilities. Potential. Fixed situations make me uneasy. I have the same feeling when I go on a date, I just think that by committing to somebody, I take away so much potential from my own life. Consequence of course is that I rarely date. Which let's face it doesn't really improve my situation drastically...

A way in, a way out. We spend our time looking for secret passageways, for transitions, for directions. We cannot get it into our heads that it's not important to know where we're going. It's really not. As long as your happy in your present and as long as you make life choices you're comfortable with, you basically can't go wrong. And even if you do, there's nothing to regret. Regret never results from making the wrong choice, it results from not choosing at all.

Chaos doesn't like company

2010-01-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

Holy ink pen, Batman, I haven't blogged properly in a month. It's not for the lack of perturbations in my life, but I just haven't felt like blogging. It's a weird time for me. During the week I mainly work and during the weekend I mainly sleep. Take this Sunday, today, for example... The only thing I did was watch Pocahontas. Other than that, I slept and cooked. All of this wouldn't be half bad, but I have to get things done. I will move in a few months and still have to find an apartment. Also, I haven't been feeling tooooo well these last few weeks. Might just be an end-of-the-year mood swing, but lately I didn't feel quite like myself. What keeps me upright and through the day is the thought of some off-time and travelling during February and March if I can manage/afford it. My destinations would be London, Dublin, Thailand, Japan... a lot on my plate for 6-8 weeks ;) I don't know... we'll see.

The funny thing is that in February, Whataboutadam and Robotneurotic want to be in Japan as well, but like me they don't know yet if they will go or not. We just have to wait and see... till then I have to get at least 2 publications done if not 3 or 4 and I have to give a talk in the beginning of February at a meeting.

I have to be so grown-up in the world, be responsible, but to be honest, I feel like a child inside. Like running around in winter in the snow. Like lying on a meadow in summer looking at the clouds. Like spending a summer's day with my friends at the pool talking about everything and nothing... and yet everyone expects me to be respectable, responsible, do what's right. Build a career. Think about where I want to be in 5 years. Where I want to spend the next 5 years to get to that place... it's just not me. I'm chaos inside. Peaceful chaos. When I look inside myself, I see colours, I see sparks. I see foreign places and people. I see the world through a caleidoscope of imagination, rotating quietly and peacefully like a planet circling a star with incredible speed, but in an orderly fashion.

I don't know if I'm going down the right path, but what I know is this: For everything that I know and am, I am choosing the right path for now. The right decision made in this moment in time. Whether it will prove to be the right one in 6 months, I don't know, but I will never life a life I'm not comfortable with. If I realize in 6 months, in 1 year that the path is not right anymore, I will go. I will not look back, but simply go and choose another one. We only have one life, right?

(people have started to copy my sectioning of picture, text, lyrics, so I'll think of something else in the future. Always remember: The second something is trendy, it's time to let go.)

A change of pace

2009-12-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

Today, in the light of the failed NY senate bill, a passage from the Bible (yes, you read correctly).

The Supremacy of Love

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself, but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Freedom

2009-11-15T02:44:00.000-08:00

We all have different views on different subjects. We all think differently. We are only united in our search of likeness in others. We are searching for people that are similar to us in appearance, in ability, in taste, in something... to connect.

I wrote in an early blog that we like others because we are similar, but love them because we are different. Just the same as we like someone because of their virtues, but love them because of their flaws.

This is basically the same thing... we all want freedom, but freedom means something different for each and everyone of us. For some it might be a big number on their bank account, being their own boss, living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, ... but in the end it all comes down to this.

Freedom is the possibility of being yourself without the fear of repercussions.

Doing what you love without the fear of being judged.

Saying what you feel without the fear of being laughed at.

Loving who you feel like loving without the fear of getting beaten up or killed or discriminated against.

Freedom exists where we conquer our fears. So let's all start there. Sit on your bed. Quiet. Listening to the world. Close your eyes. Look inside yourself and ask... what are you afraid of? It might take a while, but you will find many things you fear... and when you know what you fear, start somewhere small.

Tell someone on the street that you love their outfit if you're afraid of voicing your opinion.

Go outside and take pictures if you're afraid of others judging what you do.

Go to the movies alone if you're afraid of people pitying you.

Start with the little things and work your way up to the big ones.

Telling your friends you love them for who they are.

Asking the cute guy in the office our for a cup of coffee.

Telling your boss you want more responsibility.

Ask in your local gallery if they might be interested to display one or two of your photos.

Life is too short for fear.

The picture above is the view from my bedroom window. If I see this, my fear just goes away. Find your strength, I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Lyrics of the day: The Fear by Lily Allen

I wanna be rich, and I want lots of money

I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds

I heard people die while they're trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off, and it will be shameless

'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

It's all about fast cars and cussing each other

But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm packing plastic

And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption

And it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition

'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission

Now I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Time for some stories

2009-11-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

I have always felt that the stories behind the story are the important ones. The interesting ones. Most of the time we only see the facade of life. We see the masks and the stories people want us to see. We hear what they are telling us. But these are not the stories that are true and immediate, those aren't told in the front of the shop.

TV gives us a peak at the real stories sometimes. In some TV shows you have a plot that entertains you throughout an episode, but in fact it's the interaction between the protagonists that keeps you watching, that keeps you interested and involved. I could name several shows where this is the case but I don't want to put pictures in your head or labels on your mind. Just imagine the interaction between collegues, between family members that transcende episodes, that are the core of a show. That is the reason why in some cases TV can be better than movies (as strange as that might sound). But only on TV (and maybe in the greatest of movies) we can grow with a character, we can get accustomed to seeing them like friends, like family.

In our digital age, the relationship between us and our favourite characters has in some places replaced our real life, which is sad, but it shows you that it doesn't matter which case is solved in CSI, Bones, Mentalist, Supernatural, but it does matter what's behind the picture.

In life, it's the same. While it might be interesting and entertaining what people tell you, it's who they are in relation to you what makes it relevant. Makes it matter. If someone tells you a story about their late grandfather who baked a killer cake, it doesn't really matter to you. You didn't know the grandfather, you never tasted the cake. What does matter, however, is that it tells you something about the person telling you the story. It gives you background, depth. It helps you understand. This is why stories matter. Not because of the apparent content, but because of what stories tell you about the people and their relations involved. Weird, isn't it? To realize that life is just a canvas with a pretty picture that stands in your view and blocks it. Hinders you. Doesn't let you see the real picture unless you dig in deep. Try.

Do me a favour. Try. Next time when you hear a story, try to see the meaning behind it. Don't listen to gossip, listen to the voice, the person telling you gossip. What do you see? What does it tell you? It might take some practice, but you might be able, in time, to see the life behind the veil. Have fun. And be scared, because life might change for you.

Lyrics of the day: Life is a Song by Patrick Park

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean

Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past

There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week

And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing

And polverize and derrange all your senses

Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along

Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free

In a dark and storming sea

You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast

You say that you know that the good Lord's in control

He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul

But at the end of the day when every price has been paid

You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold

And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die

You'll die like you're afraid to go

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From chains and shackles that they're in

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep

You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet

And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall

Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

Home(sick)ness

2009-10-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

So... hey. How are you? Long time no read. I know, I know... that is mainly my fault, but life has been pretty full. As you may or may not know (or care about), I'm in Copenhagen right now. One of the (if not the) most organic, clean, organized, and friendly places on earth. What actually stands out more: one of the most expensive places on earth -.-

I am working here for a few weeks and am, therefore, living in a hotel. It's the 5th hotel this week and I have a feeling that only truck drivers and salesmen are seeing more hotels these days than I do. Anyway... I'm in a foreign country again and actually, I'm enjoying it. If I'm away from home, the first 1-2 days, I feel a bit homesick, but then after I'm settled in, I'm ok. Sure, this hotel room is not the nicest place to live in, but I have internet and I found a bookstore with a great variety of English literature, meaning that essentially I have the two things I need to be content: internet & books.

When I'm in a foreign country, I make it a habit to eat food I would never touch when at home. This way, I'm sure to try something new every day ;) Today... I ate at a french wine bar (?) and it was... interesting? I ate a piece of bread, toasted, with ham, cheese, sweet peppers, and fruit jelly. Yes, I have to admit that the jelly put me off in the beginning (actually, I was trying to find out what the orange glibbery stuff was and it was sweet and fruity so let's just pretend it was fruit jelly) and it turned out that the whole thing was quite edible. Not my favourite kind of food, because normally I eat neither cheese nor ham (and very few bread) but that's what I'm here for. Well actually I'm here to work in a lab, but that's beside the point.

I also found a nice shop with book antiquities and bought a book for my Dad's birthday in 3 weeks. It was printed 66 years ago when he was born. Nice present? I hope so.

The next two days: no work, so I might explore the city (if it doesn't rain, which let's face it, it will. this is Denmark after all). There's also the Copenhagen Gay and Lesbian film festival right now and I might watch a movie or two? Even though I don't like going to the movies alone. Strangely, I have no problem going to dinner alone... or going anywhere alone. But the movies? I like to talk to someone before the movie starts and immediately afterwards I like to talk about a movie.

As a sidenote, my hair starts to curl. That is very poorly chosen by my hair I have to say. Far away from home and from my hairdresser. I look like I want to be Edward Cullen for Halloween...

On that note, goodbye for now.

Lyrics of the day: Kathy's song by Simon and Garfunkel

I hear the drizzle of the rain

Like a memory it falls

Soft and warm continuing

Tapping on my roof and walls.

And from the shelter of my mind

Through the window of my eyes

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets

To England where my heart lies.

My mind's distracted and diffused

My thoughts are many miles away

They lie with you when you're asleep

And kiss you when you start your day.

And a song I was writing is left undone

I don't know why I spend my time

Writing songs I can't believe

With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain

Weave their weary paths and die

I know that I am like the rain

There but for the grace of you go I.

Time and what to make of it

2009-09-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

As humans, we are all familiar with the concept of time. In most areas of the world, your day will be divided by day and night and give it rhythm. Studies have shown that people (if there was no sun) would live in cycles that are more like 26h long and would alternate more frequently between waking and sleeping.

Anyway, our lives are filled with time. With appointments, dates, clocks. With free time, work time, overtime. With being "too early" or "too late". Time occupies our lives. But if you strip away layer after layer from our lives, beginning with the job, the family, the friends, the surroundings like TV, radio etc... and then if you end up with the most basic surroundings and strip away the day/night cycle, where are you then. In the most northern/southern parts of this world, you can experience weeks of daylight or weeks of night. That's just the way our planet is designed... you can begin to imagine what it would be like to live outside of time.

You will try to begin to understand that time is a human concept, not a natural one. If you're surrounded by nature and by daylight in the eternal summer that exists in Greenland... you see that nature knows no time. The days pass by, the months... nature has been here for millenia and it doesn't care about time. You have to remind yourself that animals and plants, the don't see the whole picture. They only know themselves and they only know "now". This is the reason why we don't save the planet for the animals. They don't care. If a species is extinct and an ecosystem crumples down, nature will continue as if nothing happened. We need our ecological concience for ourselves. The rainforest doesn't care if there are 10 or 10k different species of parots. Nature doesn't have a concept of time, therefore nature has all the time in the world. Even if we humans managed to kill everything/everyone and no life is left on earth.... give it a million years or two or 100, nature will regenerate - us humans, we won't.

If you ever find yourself in the lucky situation that time steps out, for example if you're really happy or sufficiently meditating, enjoy it. The feeling that there is no time is equal to the feeling that you're infinite. And don't we all want to feel infinite?

Lyrics of the day: I will remember you by Sarah Mclachlan

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

That I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Where did my life go?

2009-09-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

Actually, I don't ask myself where my life went... but I don't want to be in the situation 10 years from now asking myself that. We all go through phases of relative static. We get up in the morning, we go to work/school, we go to sleep and repeat that cycle over and over again. That's quite normal, we all do this from time to time and let's face it - it helps. It helps us regenerate, regain energy for the times where you get up in the morning and don't know where your life will lead you.

I've been in that "rut" for a few weeks now and I think it's over. I have made up my mind that I will try to get a job somewhere else and will start sending out my first application this week. It's a bit frightening, like submitting a personal ad ;)

Where will I be in a year's time? For the first time in quite a while I can honestly say "I have no idea". While the world may be my oyster, I don't really want the world. I want a job in Europe, preferably in Germany. Most of all, I want a job that I a) can be proud to do and b) love doing.

Enough of that. I still have loads to do at my old job and I have to get to it beginning tomorrow.

On another note, I love the fall TV programming so far. Supernatural, Glee, Vampire Diaries, True Blood ;) all great shows. And Ellen on American Idol? Might be the best thing happening to AI since Kelly Clarkson.

Last, but certainly not least: I really need to get myself a bf. Seriously now.

The lyrics of the day have a special place in my heart. Beauty of a song.

Lyrics of the day: If my heart was a house by Owl City

You're the sky that I fell through

And I remember the view

Whenever I'm holding you

The sun hung from a string

Looking down on the world as it warms over everything

Chills run down my spine

As our fingers entwine

And your sighs harmonize with mine

Unmistakably

I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me

We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)

That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best

I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west

Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you

Cause your favorite shade is navy blue

I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)

Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

The pouch

2009-09-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

I know I've been away for too long ;) Sorry about that. As you might know (or not), I've spent the last week in a beautiful, beautiful hotel in the German Alps. I have done a wee bit of hiking, a lot more napping, staying in a sauna or in the biggest hamam west of Istambul. They were good times.

Now today... I had booked a yoga massage. I had anticipated something like a Thai yoga massage. I lie there in light clothing and the guy/woman stretches me for an hour. Well... something went a bit differently than anticipated.

I came there and she's like. "Ok undress completely." I had massages before and I don't really like lying somewhere naked and more or less covered by a towel... too late for regrets now. So I mentally prepare myself that I will lie there for 90 min, my bareness only barely covered by a towel and then she would start streching w/e. And then she presents it. She's like "Then put this on please". It looked like a mixture between a sanitary towel and a string tanga. It's a kind of papery pouch. You know... like the ones men wore in old photographs from the early 20th century when they needed to cover their nakedness. In the beginning, I wanted to laugh out loud. Then I wanted to sneak out before she noticed. Then I put it on. I have to admit, I felt a big degraded - standing there and a second later, lying on the mattress, face down, presenting my string to the world. Well... to the quite charming Indian woman.

Words like lesigh, facepalm, omg were in my mind, but what can you do.

You think that's the bad part? Oh my dear friends, not really. At first, she massages my complete backside. Arms, legs, etc. Sometimes a bit uncomfortable, but w/e. Now I have to turn and lie on my back.

In the beginning, the front was kinda ok as well. If you like, you can imagine how I felt, lying there, eyes closed and trying to relax (and not to laugh out loud). Some long, loong minutes later, I actually couldn't really feel if the pouch was still on right.

I haven't felt this awkward in a while. In a very long while.

I couldn't ask if my junk was hanging out, now could I.

I couldn't raise my head and look, now could I.

I tried to move a little bit to check, but that's kinda hard if someone has your leg in the air and presses your foot into your shoulder.

I decided to just clench my teeth and bear it. I mean, if it really was a bit "out there", who am I to deny her the view? *insert sarcastic laugh here* No really. It was the pinnacle of awkward.

When all was set and done and over and I lay quietly under the towel, I had the chance to check and thankfully, all was in its right place.

This episode of "My awkward life" was presented to you by "The perfect pouch".

Lyrics of the day: Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (don't ask).

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Book survey

2009-08-25T09:13:00.001-07:00

You already know that books are a (too) big part of my life. So I read Hayley's blog and discovered a book survey. And I realized this would be an easy blog post :) so I took it. It took me probably a lot more time than to write a normal entry (fail), but anyway, here it is:

1. What author do you own the most books by?

My book collection is fluid, but right now... Lemony Snicket.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

That's a tie between many books that I own the English and German version of. *oops... did I end that sentence right?*

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

Well... not really. English is my second language and I don't care as much as I should about these things :D

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

I rarely fall in love with book characters, I'm a shallow and visual person :) Give me cute actors anytime. Wait... what does that tell you about me? Forget I wrote that.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?

I have read some books like The Alchemist, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, City of dreaming books etc a number of times. Maybe 4-5x? But I don't really keep track.

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

At 10 years, my favourite book was Drachenfeuer (Dragon fire) by Wolfgang Hohlbein. When I was 10, Harry Potter didn't exist yet ;)

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?

Well there is the usual suspect (B** Dawn), I also hated the brilliant book "Noone belongs here more than you", because it depressed the hell out of me.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?

I've read a huge number of great books in the last year (Kite runner, John Green's books etc come to mind), but the one that spoke most to me was "Perks of being a wallflower".

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

I don't know how to answer this one. Forcing a book on someone is never a good idea. Maybe I'd force the HP series on people who think the books are as bad as the movies sometimes make them seem.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

I only want to see movies made into books that have a strong fantastic element, just to be amazed by special effects and foreign landscapes :) The character development is better in books anyway. So for this reason, I'd like to see the Otherland tetralogy as a movie. Mainly because I didn't like the books, but I liked the idea behind them.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

Oh God, so many. The least would actually be The perks... because I could imagine someone wanting to make it into a movie, but in my opinion it's impossible to do, because the beauty of the book is inside of the protagonist's head.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

All my dreams are weird and I consider every dream that a writer appears in as weird, but no particular one comes to mind.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?

I'm with Hayley on that one. The Twilight series was probably the one I was actually hesitant to even tell people that I'm reading it. (Mind you, I read all 4 books in one week).

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?

Gödel, Escher, Bach. It killed my mind. In hindsight, it was stupid to try and read it in English at that time.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?

I'm perfectly content in watching non-obscure Shakespeare plays, thank you very much :)

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

Noone beats the Russians in literary style and general grandeness, but I personally prefer the French.

17. Roth or Updike?

I haven't read much of both, so I'll not pass judgement.

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I've only read Sedaris, so Sedaris it will be :) He cracks me up.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare. Just 'cause.

20. Austen or Eliot?

Austen. A bit hesitant on my part, but Austen. Definitely.

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

I've had times during my university studies where I read only less than 10 books a year.

22. What is your favorite novel?

What does "favourite" mean. The best one? The one I like to re-read most? The one that spoke to me the most? I can't possibly answer that, but one of the titles that up there is 100 years of solitude.

23. Play?

Not too much into modern plays, so some Shakespeare for me please. I don't go to the theatre often though.

24. Poem?

Yes. Oh you meant a specific one? Dickinson in the English language and many many in German. A specific one is difficult, maybe "Die Fahrende" by Gertrud Kolmar.

25. Essay?

I don't know too many essays, but one that stuck with me is about the genius cult in the late 1700.

26. Work of nonfiction?

I like books like Fermat's enigma, Universe in a nutshell etc.

27. Who is your favorite writer?

At the moment? I really like Maureen Johnson ;)

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

Oi. That's a mean question because you single handedly insult everyone who loves this writer. If I had to choose, I'd vote for Steph. Meyer. Simply because in her case the difference between deserved acclaim and actual success is largest.

29. What is your desert island book?

One book would be kind of cruel, but seeing as I haven't gotten far in "Infinite Jest" yet, I'd take that one and hope that boredom would force it on me.

30. And... what are you reading right now?

I'm a bit ashamed to say I'm reading Diabolus by Dan Brown (don't yell at me, I'm on holiday!) and will soon start HP7, Catcher in the Rye and many more (still 2 more weeks of vacation :)

Lyrics of the day: Put the book back on the shelf by Belle & Sebastian

Sebastian you're in a mess

You had a dream, they called you king

Of all the hipsters, is it true?

Or are you still the queen?

Like getting blood out of a stone

The city left you all alone

You came to dance, but there's no poignancy

When they all leave you standing alone

The wider issues of the day

Don't interest you, you'll have to pay

For looking at the floor

When people talk to you

You wrote a book about yourself

The people left it on the shelf

You'll write another one

Now you've got a story that's worth talking about

Are you happy with yourself?

Are you talking to yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?

Put the book back on the shelf

I know the company you keep

You're on the sofa hidden deep

While on the telly Sid James speaks

To you like God

You're always looking for a sign

But boy you blow it every time

You hear a voice begin to speak

You ignore it and go softly to sleep

Finding yourself

2009-08-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

With the things I experienced during the last week, I could fill many blog posts, but I will try to be short and concise, because let's face it: people like the blogs they follow to come to the point ;) Or at least I do.

I took the above pic from the plane when I flew over the desert Sinai. No plant in sight for hundreds of miles. No shrub, no tree. Just rocks and sand. I have never experienced anything like it and it scared me. If you look at all the pictures I posted taken near my home, you know that I'm from a hilly, green country. Vineyards, fiels, forests. Being among that much sand and that little plants scared me.

I went for a vacation that lasted 1 day in the end. That's right, I flew to Egypt for 1 day. To my defense, I had planned to stay a week, but something came up. And with something, I mean personal issues (could I be any more vague?). Sufficed to say that I would not fly around the globe if it wasn't unavoidable.

This week, I learned much about myself. About who I am and about what I can do. I also got more scared than I had been in many years. That tends to happen when I delve too deeply into my self. What does that tell about me, if I can even scare myself with it? I don't really want to know. So I'm sitting in a 5-star hotel at the red sea. Thousands of miles from anyone I know. Noone, nothing to distract me. No work. No internet. Not enough books (seriously, what was I thinking? 5 books for a week? I read 3 in 2 days!). Just me and my thoughts.

I circled a very big dark hole for a day till I decided to try anything to get home, even if it meant to a) throw away money that I had already spent on the hotel and b) admit personal failure to the people at home. They said I shouldn't go on a vacation alone. It turns out that they were right, but not because I can't be alone or go on a vacation alone, it was a combination of many things. A series of unfortunate events, if you will.

Summary: I am afraid of my future. Like, "pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and hum a lullaby" afraid.

It seems like a mockery to see the light blue button down there that says "save now".

Save now? Yes, please. And hurry.

Lyrics of the day: Save me by Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit

For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me

Come on and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell

You know what it's like

The long farewell of the hunger strike

You struck me dumb like radium

Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me

C'mon and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cept the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

But the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

Never forget

2009-08-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

As I am not the youngest anymore, I vividly remember a song by Take That called "Never forget (where you're coming from)". I always thought that to be excellent advice.

So today, I was driving home from work after about 11-12 hours of working without a break and I wasn't actually tired... and then it happened. An epiphany.

Just imagine the following situation and you know my life.

I'm in my convertible, driving, wearing my sunglasses. I'm blasting the new Owl city album with these saccharine lyrics that I grew to love so much... the sun is shining, some wind, some clouds... perfection.

and then it starts pouring. Raining cats and dogs. And I'm driving... fast enough that the rain can't touch me, the sun is still shining and I'm starting to laugh, because the whole situation is

A) ridiculous

B) futile, I can't stop anywhere to close the top and

C) completely and utterly like my life I can't stand it.

I love life. Even if mine is chaotic, tumbling out of control, crazy... I still love it.

The abstract notion of life and the personal one.

Whatever that may mean.

Lyrics of the day: Fireflies by Owl City

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies

Lit up the world as I fell asleep

Cuz they fill the open air

And leave teardrops everywhere

You think me rude, but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems

Cuz I get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

As they try to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head

A sockhop beneath my bed

The disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack

(Please take me away from here)

Cuz I feel like such an insomniac

(Please take me away from here)

Why do I tire of counting sheep?

(Please take me away from here)

When I'm far to tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies

I'm weird cuz I hate goodbyes

I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)

But I know where several are

If my dreams get real bizarre

Cuz I saved a few and I keep 'em in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

I'm in the spirit of...

2009-07-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

Well actually I am in the holiday spirit. Not like Christmas, more like going away on vacation. I think I might be able to get 3 weeks off work and I can now allow myself to plan where I might be going :)

I received my diving license by mail today, so I can go diving. Or visit my sister in the ever-buzzing Berlin. Or go to the mountains for a little getaway to recharge... Or maybe I do all of these things? In my mind I am going to Mosambique for a diving vacation for the first week, then stay home for a week and do these things that I never have the time for... it's for example one of my guilty pleasures if I have a day off that I go downtown into a coffee bar with my laptop and a book and just sit there absorbing the atmosphere and write. Read. Talk. It's amazing how many interesting people you can meet if you're just ... well... there. I would like to get into a workout routine again. Maybe yoga, maybe some cardio in the mornings? These things that I never seem to have the energy to do when I'm working full time.

And for the last week I would like to go to the mountains. There is this absolutely gorgeous hotel that I have been wanting to try out for the longest time. They have libraries in the castle and grand pianos for practising etc. It's like a nerd's dream come true. Ok... they also have SPAs and you know that I'm a sucker for a good Thai-Yoga massage. Or Shiatsu.... hmmm....

Well that's what's on my mind. First I have to get some work done, throw a huge party and altogether be in about 17 places at once to do my work, but then... then... I might have a shot.

Btw... art has occupied my life again. Music, photography, writing... it's all there and I don't know where to start :D Right now (obviously) I'm writing, but I have my new camera and it takes phantastic photos. Or... well... I take the pictures, but I swear a baby could take great pics with that cam.

I have neglected you readers in the last weeks, but that's all over now. I hope to talk to you guys a lot more in the next couple of weeks/months and update you far more regularly :)

Life is complicated, but good. <3

Lyrics of the day: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk

Work It

Make It

Do It

Makes Us

Harder

Better

Faster

Stronger

More Than

Hour

Our

Never

Ever

After

Work is

Over [x2]

Work It Harder Make It Better

Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger

More Than Ever Hour After

Our Work Is Never Over

I'm actually ok

2009-07-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

These days, I'm actually ok. For the first time in quite a while, I look forward to working. To coming home. To doing things. I have taken up photography again. I'm reading, writing. I'm living again for the first time in so long. SO long.

I have the prospect of a 3 week holiday in a few weeks and hopefully some great vacations in there. I have (once again) realized that there are nice guys out there.

Most of them are straight though... but it's comforting to know that there are some nice ones, right?

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm actually ok with it. I haven't had a holiday week since Christmas, but it's not like I'm completely overworked... weird. I'm kind of growing into my life these days. It's a very interesting feeling. I'll try to keep you updated on my inadvertedly growing up. It's just happening :P

Lyrics of the day:

Rows and floes of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons evrywhere

Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on evryone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its cloud illusions I recall

I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As evry fairy tale comes real

Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show

You leave em laughing when you go

And if you care, dont let them know

Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

Its loves illusions I recall

I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say I love you right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they say Ive changed

Well somethings lost, but somethings gained

In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all

Ive looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

Its lifes illusions I recall

I really dont know life at all

The end (?) of an era

2009-07-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

By now you know me a tiny bit and therefore you know that I like to ramble about unimportant things, but I don't say much about the big ones. Well, this is a big one and it calls for a tiny blog post. I graduated. I'm still working at my old job and I can stay there if I want to, but I have my degree and could leave if I wanted to :) (Good feeling ftw)

There, I just wanted to announce the end of whining about busy schedules and studying, revising, training etcpp. I'm done (and have more to do than ever before ;)

More interesting blog posts to arrive soon(ish). Promise.

Lyrics of the day: Tiger Mountain Peasant Song by Fleet Foxes

Wanderers this morning came by

Where did they go

Graceful in the morning light

To banner fair

To follow you softly

In the cold mountain air

Through the forest

Down to your grave

Where the birds wait

And the tall grasses wave

They do not

know you anymore

Dear shadow alive and well

How can the body die

You tell me everything

Anything true

In the town one morning I went

Staggering through premonitions of my death

I don't see anybody that dear to me

Dear shadow alive and well

How can the body die

You tell me everything

Anything true

Jesse

I don't know what I have done

I'm turning myself to a demon

I don't know what I have done

I'm turning myself to a demon

What we want.

2009-07-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

Why are we too afraid to do the things we want to do? To try to get the things we want? To work hard enough to get to the things we want to be true in our lives?

I don't know. Probably because we are tired and afraid.

I, on the other hand, am tired and afraid NOT to try out for the things I want. I would like to do photography and I would like to write. I don't apologize for it. It might not be my job or profession now, but it will be. It will be...

Lyrics of the day: Dying by Five for Fighting

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again

I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived

There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest

I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me

I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see

It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent

I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye

Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again

Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this

As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this

As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you

I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

Do you care?

2009-07-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

When I was young... well more precisely when I was a little kid, I definitely cared too much. I cared about others, I cared for my family, I basically cared. Full stop. Just cared. I was a sensitive kid, but mostly a happy one. I was different from the start, but that didn't really bother me. I got picked on quite a lot, laughed at quite a few times, but I didn't care ;)

I could read and write when I was 3, read books to my friends in kindergarten, got special lessons when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. I could have skipped grade 2 and 6, but my parents gave my the choice and I stayed with my friends. Good decision or bad?

I don't really know, but it doesn't matter. I would be more refined intellectually, but I would probably be even more screwed up emotionally, so in the end I guess my decision was the right one. Back to topic.

I got older and I learned to stop caring about everything. It was just too much to deal with so I detached myself as far as possible. However, after a while I realized that I didn't care much about the good stuff either. I felt numb and probably like some people feel on Lithium. Not able to feel happy or sad. That had to stop, so I gradually eased back into caring, feeling.

I'm a bit fucked up now, because I can't really allow myself to feel/care when I'm interacting with people, but I almost tear up when I read about an accident in the paper or see something on TV. I can feel for characters in the movies, but I struggle to care for my friends sometimes. I don't know if others have this problem, but for me it's a bit of a vicious circle, because I don't really "talk" to others. About the important stuff at least. It has been a long long time since I really talked about how I feel with someone and I have only talked to people a few times in my life. I'm afraid to open up and to trust I guess. Trust issues are really high up on my list of things to work through with a potential therapist :)

Bottom line is this. I care. I care about animals and their dwindling habitats, I care about life, about peace. I care about Iran and about the political situation in all countries. I care about everyone, but in a strange way, I also care about noone. I don't care what people think of me. I don't know my neighbours' names. I don't care about riches and fame.

I don't even care about my job. Which is a whole new level of f-ed up if you ask me, because how am I supposed to do a good job, when I don't really care. Mind you, I do a pretty good job as it is (not caring), but sometimes I get a faint glimmer of an idea of how good my mind actually works and how well I could do a job that I cared about.

This is actually keeping me up at night.

I hope you're not kept up at night or if you are, I hope it's because of something far more pleasant. Take care.

Lyrics of the day: That's how I knew this story would break my heart by Aimee Mann

I drew a picture of you

You and your anchor tattoo

And saw the face that I knew

Covered in shame

You drew a bird that was here

A kind of sweet chanticleer

But with a terrible fear

That the cage couldn't tame

That's how I knew this story would break my heart

When you wrote it

That's how I knew this story would break my heart

So, like a ghost in the snow

I'm getting ready to go

'Cause baby, that's all I know –

How to open the door

And though the exit is crude

It saves me coming unglued

For when you're not in the mood

For the gloves and the canvas floor

That's how I knew this story would break my heart

When you wrote it

That's how I knew this story would break my heart

Being together, but separated, and therefore - alone.

2009-06-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, I was "away". Well... kind of. I had to do my practical exams for my diving licence. So I went to this "lake". I guess it is a lake, but when 15 divers are in it, it really seems more like a swamp. And in this swamp... sorry... lake, I had to perform training lessons etc to make sure I know how to act in an open water. Before this, we had only trained in a pool, so the open water was something completely different. The sight underwater was about 50 cm, if you were lucky. Sometimes you didn't see anything at all, especially when you got to the bottom of the lake. I learned how to dive, but more importantly, I learned about panic.

I am a very controlled person. You probably never see me lose my calm. However, there's something about being 6-7m under water, seeing nothing due to the mud and then having to remove your diving mask, put it on again, and remove the water from the mask by breathing out your nose to press the water out. These things are fairly easy and doable in a pool with chlorine water and the surface clearly visible 3m above you. Now this was a completely different feat.

I don't know why it was difficult for me, but to remove my mask, essentially blinding me, and having water on my face, eyes, and nose, scared me quite a bit. You just cannot panic when you're under water. It could harm or possibly kill you if you do, so that's good that I had to learn to cope with it this weekend.

Something I also learned/experienced was this weird combination (see title of this blog). You're on the bottom of the lake, holding hands with your diving buddies, but not seeing them, hearing them or anything. You're down there, together, but there could be a world between you instead of the 20-30 cm of water (more mud than water actually) and it would not make a lot of difference. But the contact with your hand to your buddy's hand, can keep you calm.

This is why it can mean so much, if you just put your hand on someone elses. In a crisis, in the hospital, to give comfort or to console. The hands are our way to convey that we care and in my opinion, they are much more so than the eyes. Eyes can be ambiguous, they have a lot to do, they are connected with the mind and thoughts. Your hands are connected to your heart and emotions. They have nothing else to do. If you put your hand on someone's hand, that's it. That's where it's put, that's where it's at, that's where it stays. Calming, comforting.

I am so drained, I'll go to bed early today.

Btw. The picture above might very well be the best picture I have ever taken. It's incredible, if I dare say so myself. And it fits the blog perfectly. Moon, stars, sky, trees. Together, separated, alone.

I hope I don't have a cold tomorrow and hope you're all well.

Lyrics of the day: Comfort by Deb Talan:

When everyone has gone to sleep

& you are wide awake,

there's no one left to tell your troubles to

Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices

Wilting like a river over underground

& the light from downstairs

came up soft like daybreak

dimly as the heartbreak of a lonely child

& if you can't remember a better time

you can have mine, little one

in days to come, when your heart

feels undone, may you always find

an open hand

& take comfort wherever you can,

you can, you can

oh, it's a strange place

& oh, everyone with a different face

but just like you thought when you stopped here to linger

we're only as separate as your little fingers

so cry, why not? we all do

then turn to the one you love

& smile a smile that lights up all the room

& follow your dreams

in through every out door

it seems that's what we're here for

& when you can't remember a better time

you can have mine, little one

in days to come, when your heart

feels undone, may you always find

an open hand

& take comfort

there is comfort

take comfort wherever you can,

you can, you can, oh

Blog? Nah... more of a snippet.

2009-06-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Religion is what brought us from the caves to the civilisation.

Religion is was brought us from civilisation to the dark times

...and back again.

Religion is what binds people together.

Religion is what drives people apart.

Religion is undebatable, because it's written in stone.

Religion is a matter of heavy debate.

Religion is fixed. There are 5 major religions and that's it.

Religion is fluid and inherently individual.

Actually... religion is not that much different from human emotions. Go figure.

Lyrics of the day: The Ascent of Stan by Ben Folds

Pangs of silence

From the room upstairs

How's the view there?

Do you read what they're saying about you?

That you're no fun

Since the war was won

In fact, you have become all of the things you've always run away from

The ascent of Stan

Textbook hippie man

Get rest while you can

So where'd the years go?

All the time we had?

Being poor was not such a drag in hindsight

And you wonder why your father was so resigned

Now you don't wonder any more

The ascent of Stan

Textbook hippie man

Get rest while you can

Stan: Once you wanted revolution

Stan: Now you're the institution

Stan: How's it feel to be the man?

It's no fun to be the man

And now, watch it all go down

The ascent of Stan

Textbook hippie man

(Stan)

Textbook hippie man

Get rest while you can

Stan: Once you wanted revolution

Stan: Now you're the institution

Stan: How's it feel to be the man?

It's no fun to be the man

The word sabbatical gains popularity in my book these days

2009-06-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

My life these days is really really hectic. I don't know if I like it ;)

I just had a "long" weekend. Thursday was a religious holiday here, so I had the "chance" to drive with my parents on a little 1-day-family-vacation. Basically, I spent the day driving in a car, studying and speaking French. One more thing: my French these days sucks major a$$.

Friday was my day for errands, flew by. Now there's Saturday... the big day. 2 of my friends got married yesterday. Congrats to them :) It was very sweet and a lot of fun (even though it lasted about 12h). The picture above was taken by my phone (hence the quality) when we went to the river and put self-made paper boats on the river with little candles and wishes for the couple. The night was clear and crisp and everything was so idyllic. I mean look at that picture (you can see the neighbouring village over the river).

Is marriage something I would consider for myself? I think this question is mute (is this the right word). I don't have a boyfriend, let alone a fiancé. But no self-pity from me today.

On Wednesday I have my theory exam for my diving lessons and the whole next weekend will be spent by me in a dirty little lake 1h from where I live. I already hate it. I wanted to dive in carribean waters, not mudholes. Ok... here was a little bit of self-pity.

Like I said, my life is hectic. I haven't even mentioned that I have my final PhD exam in about 3-4 weeks. Yay. Life is grand.

What I would love more than anything right now is take a sabbatical after my PhD. Take a year to travel to the south of France, to all my friends across Europe, Japan, etc and visit them. Go diving in Indonesia and Australia. Go to a zen monastery in Japan.

I probably won't be able to do that just now, but I am definitely thinking about finding a job that revolves around my life, not just a job that's completely seperate from my life.

Enough rambling (originally, I wanted to talk about the sense of smell and the connection to certain memories :D ). I hope you are well. I am. Stressed, but well. Alone, but well. Good, not great ;)

Take care.

Lyrics of the day: Do what you have to do by Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit

Conjured this temptuous rage

Created you a monster

Broken by the rules of love

And fate has led you through it

You do what you have to do

And fate has led you through it

You do what you have to do ...

And I have the sense to recognize that

I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked

With apparitions of your soul

I'm ever swiftly moving

Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

The yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

But I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how

To let you go

I don't know how

To let you go

A glowing ember

Burning hot

Burning slow

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence

Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but

I don't know how to let you go

Update? Sure thing.

2009-06-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Where to start... oh. I went to see Sunshine Cleaning today. I really liked it. It was hilarious in places, but overall very quiet and sad. Just like me :)

I have made a tumblr (again). I had a tumblr account about a year ago, but it has changed quite a bit and I like it. I don't know yet if I want to use it as my main blog. If so, I will tell all of you :)

nichisstuff.tumblr.com

I got to thinking the other day... the thing that annoys/angers/frightens me a lot (it's way up on my annoy list) is people who have a picture of themselves that's not correct.

People who think they are more intelligent than they actually are, are really annoying.

People who think they are more tolerant than they actually are, drive me up the walls. There are many people who would probably tell you that they are illuminated beings, tolerant, liberal, live and let live, but God forbid they see two guys kissing in public. They are completely ok with lesbians and gay people, but the "sex scene" in brokeback mountain was much too graphic. I mean, really? Double standard anyone?

Have I told you that the kite runner is PG-12 or something and there's a "gay" rape scene of a child by a gang of older kids, a scene which brought forth a crying fit when I read it. But brokeback mountain is R rated, because there's two consenting gay guys having sex (and you really don't see anything, because that's not the point.

The thing is that being gay is ok in our culture, if it's the cute kind of gay. The Adam Lambert nail polish, Jack in Will&Grace kind of fun gay. Decorating, musical loving, hair dresser gay. That's acceptable, because it's not dangerous. The other (the real) kind of gay, that's always a bit dangerous, that has to do with sex, that's still not ok.

Sorry, ranting. I have just encountered too much of this behavior to stay calm.

I had 7293 things more to talk about, but I can't really keep my eyes open. And I'm seeing lights, which is a bit odd, because normally that happens when I drink to much tea or coffee.

Goodnight, take care, have a great today and an even better tomorrow.

Lyrics of the day: Your song by Elton John.

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide

I don't have much money but boy if I did

I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no

Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show

I know it's not much but it's the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss

Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross

But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song

It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do

You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

What's it all about, Alfie?

2009-06-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

What is life all about? No, really - someone tell me. For me, life is about variations of the same thing. However, these variations come in shapes and sizes so vastly different that you can barely figure out the original plan. And maybe that’s my problem. I can’t figure out the original plan. It’s funny though, because everytime I figure out what one shade looks like, I’m into another one. I’m growing and I’m changing and, therefore, I’m gradually out-growing everything I thought was important to me. Even the constants change (if that is even possible for a constant). I love art. I love music. I love movies. However, my taste in these things has gradually been changing. Granted, I still love Monet&Klinger-Franken, Mozart&Bach, and Disney&Ghibli. But now, I also love Picasso,The Bird and the Bee, and Angels in America. I am changing, but I’m also staying the same.

I think that’s what’s important in life. Change. Ever change. Never stay the same. Also, stay true to who you are. The balance between changing all the time and staying yourself at your very core. This is what matters. If you manage to do that, you will find the common place. The site where all the variations find their origin. Because everything we are, everything we love… originates from our true self. That means that what life is all about also originates from this deep well that some people might call our soul.

What is life all about? I can only answer that one for me, because it’s a different answer for everyone. Funny thing that my posts in the last weeks all centre around this topic. What makes people different, what makes people the same. Why can something that is the same be different for everyone.

Ask someone the question “What is life all about?” and you will get different answers. Most people will tell you that they don’t know. Many will tell you that life is about happiness and success. Some will be wise enough to tell you that they can only answer you this question for themselves. The really wise might tell you the following:

It’s not about knowing what life’s all about. It’s about living your life in a way that makes you feel like you know what life’s all about. Because we can never know the common origin. We can only know the variations.

Lyrics of the day: The Rainbow connection by Kermit the Frog.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,

And rainbows have nothing to hide.

So we've been told and some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,

The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,

And look what it's done so far.

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing

And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,

We know that it's probably magic...

... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name.

... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

It's something that I'm s'posed to be...

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Ehm... yeah. About tradition.

2009-06-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Traditionally, I start my blog post with a pretty picture. Well... to make up for the horror you see on the upper picture, I took one of a pretty rose today to make it all better.

Let me talk about Saturday for a bit. A good friend of mine is getting married in 2 weeks, so on Saturday, all of us embarked on a traditional adventure known as stag night. For this purpose, we (and by we, I mean others) chose a venue that's a bit... peculiar? You probably all know the Octoberfest. Well... this is like the Octoberfest, but open air and with less space. For people like me, who

a) don't drink

b) eat meat maybe once a week

c) don't like being groped by drunk older women (excuse me while I control my shivering)

this is less than stellar. I went for it, because it was my friends day and not mine. Sometimes, you have to put your own wishes aside and do something for somebody else (I'm so noble, ain't I). So I'm in the biggest "Biergarten" (=beer garden) of Europe and thinking to myself:

Who are these people and what the frick is going through their mind?

1.3 million people in 12 days sit/stand/lie there and do what. They eat, drink, fuck (? probably... considering the state most of them are in), shout (!), dance, and have the ultimate good time. I'll be honest with you, I don't get it. Where did all of these people go wrong on the glorious road of evolution? I know that not everyone can be excited by a paintint or a symphony, but honestly? This is what you consider having a good time? Take another look at the picture at the top. There are so, so, so many people there making me wish I was somewhere else...

I don't get it and I'll be honest with you, I'm glad I don't. Don't get me wrong, I now and then enjoy a packed club and loud music (although I use ear protection ;), but this was disgusting. Maybe this is a good place to be thankful that noone I know reads this blog.

Anyway... in 2 weeks wedding and then we'll see. My life is running forward and in a few weeks I'll have graduated and have the possibility to get a new job, if I want to look for one.

One last thought. How do you think I would do studying philosophy at King's College in London? Because that's one of the things I'd love to do :)

I hope this post is finding you well and happy, take care.

Lyrics of the day: The Luckiest by Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time

In fact, I am told that a lot

Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls

Brought me here

And where was I before the day

That I first saw your lovely face?

Now I see it everyday

And I know

That I am

I am

The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you

In a house on a street where you lived?

Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike

Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes

I see one pair that I recognize

And I know

That I am

I am

The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties

And one day passed away in his sleep

And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days

And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong

That I know

That I am

I am

The luckiest

The shocking view from the mountain top

2009-05-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

I had a very freightening experience today. From the outside, you couldn't see anything out of the ordinary... I was sitting in front of my laptop, headplugs in, staring at the screen. What actually happened was this and I will try to recreate my actions here:

- I was on YouTube (I know... I should have been working, but hey I don't smoke so I take YT breaks) and watching Taylor Swifts video to You belong with me. I know, don't judge me and believe me, it gets worse.

- I saw the cute guy in the music video and thought... didn't he play in the HM movie (which I haven't seen. Honestly)? And of course he was, I'm rarely wrong, when things like that are concerned.

- I went to see the trailer for the HM movie.

- I read something in the comments below the trailer about the song "The climb"

- I remembered Miley singing this song dreadfully on American Idol

- I laughed

- I looked up "The climb" on YouTube

- I watched the official music video

- I cringed at the awful quality of the video (especially considering that I had just seen the masterpiece that is Lady GaGa's video to Paparazzi. I mean, hello?)

- I looked at Miley and listened to her and...

-... she got to me.

There was a definite moment when she was singing about there will always be another mountain, blabla *insert random christian rock lyric here* when I felt so moved and inspired. In that moment I was actually moved to do something, to accomplish something in my life, to use my talents to achieve something greater than myself (when usually I only want to nap and people to give money to me).

I know that I can be influenced easily by music, moved into every direction... but this was shocking. Miley Cyrus for Pete's sake. Miley Cyrus...

You can probably tell that this is still haunting me, but what can you do.

Final thought: Maybe Miley is talented after all. *goes off in shame to watch the video again*

Lyrics of the day: A Pensieve Full of Unrequited Love by The Mudbloods, which unfolds it's beauty only to Harry Potter fans, I'm afraid.

I would spy

on you during playtime.

You would fly

From the swing into the sky.

Make a turn

Land with both feet on the ground.

So I told you

how you do this.

That's when I knew

This is my wish.

For you

I wish you peace and love and happiness in everything you do.

Afraid that everywhere you go someone will be in love with you.

And I know that if you'd stay within these loving arms of mine,

That every single one of these dreams would come true.

You outgrew me,

had a baby.

There's a prophecy.

Says you may have birthed the one

who'll defeat him

He who'll not be named.

So I beg him

And ask how/all this the same

Please protect her,

I wish you peace and love and happiness in everything you do.

I pray that everywhere you go someone will be in love with you.

And I know that if you stay within these loving arms of mine,

That every single one of these dreams will come true.

As I lay here,

blood rushing out of my head,

give my memories

to a boy with scar on head.

Your son

Protected him since he was young

And as I'm dying,

I look for one last time.

Into this face,

and into your eyes

I wish you peace and love and happiness in everything you do.

I pray that everywhere you go someone will be in love with you.

And I know that if you'd stay within these loving arms of mine,

That every single one of these dreams would come true.

I'm on my way

2009-05-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

One thing I like about photographs is that you don't really know the surroundings. You see the picture and try to recreate the situation in your mind that produced it, but the only information you have is in that picture. You cannot possibly know that it was f-ing cold when I took that picture of Notre Dame 2 months ago. Or that it was night and pitch black (well maybe you could guess that). You don't know that I was with people that I like and with one particular boy that I have a crush on (no news there). You don't know how it felt to be in Paris at that particular night (only if you read my blog a few weeks/months back). You only have the picture and everything else, all blanks get automatically filled by your brain. That way, everyone looks at a photograph in a different way, sees a different picture.

The same with people. You don't know what their deal is. You just see their appearance, you can hear what they are saying, see what they are doing, but we are all products of our past. You cannot possibly know why someone does something, says something. You only see a fragment, a facet of their self and fill in the blanks to complete your picture of that person. That way, everyone sees a different person when they look at you. And noone sees you. Except yourself when you look in a mirror. That's why looking at yourself in a mirror can be such a freightening experience. Just do that now. Take a chance. Go to a mirror and look at yourself. Your face, your eyes. And don't look descriptively, look deeper. How do you look. Do you look happy, sad? What feelings show in your face and your eyes. What you find there might surprise you, because normally, we don't look at ourselves like we want to know ourselves. We look like an outsider. How much do I weigh, how muscular, slender am I, where do I have spots, where do I have wrinkles... we don't ask ourselves how we are. If there's happiness in our eyes or laughter in our smiles.

But honestly, if we don't ask this, who else does? If we don't know how we feel... who else could?

Boy, this post went in a completely different direction than anticipated. Oh well.

I hope this post finds you well and happy, take care. <3

Lyrics of the day: Le festin by Camille (and because I'm so nice - with English translation ;)

Les rêves des amoureux sont comm’(e) le bon vin

Ils donn(ent) de la joie ou bien du chagrin

Affaibli par la faim je suis malheureux

Volant en chemin tout ce que je peux

Car rien n’est gratuit dans la vie

L’espoir est un plat bien trop vite consommé

A sauter les repas je suis habitué

Un voleur solitaire est triste à nourrir

A un jeu si amer je n’peux réussir

Car rien n’est gratuit dans…

La vie… Jamais on ne me dira

Que la course aux étoiles; ça n’est pas pour moi

Laissez moi vous émerveiller et prendre mon en vol

Nous allons en fin nous régaler

La fêt(e) va enfin commencer

Sortez les bouteilles; finis les ennuis

Je dresse la table, de ma nouvell(e) vie

Je suis heureux à l’idée de ce nouveau destin

Une vie à me cacher et puis libre enfin

Le festin est sur mon chemin

Une vie à me cacher et puis libre enfin

Le festin est sur mon chemin

English lyrics:

Dreams are to lovers as wine is to friends

Carried through lifetimes, (and) spilled now and then

I am driven by hunger, so saddened to be

Thieving in darkness; I know you’re not pleased

But nothing worth eating is free

My hope is a banquet impatiently downed

Impossibly full, now I’ll probably drown

Many thieves’ lives are lonely with one mouth to feed

If giving means taking, I’ll never succeed

For nothing worth stealing is…

Free at last; won’t be undersold

Surviving isn’t living; won’t eat what I’m told

Let me free, I’ll astonish you; I’m planning to fly

I won’t let this party just pass me by

The banquet is now underway, so…

Bring out the bottles; a new tale has spun

In clearing this table, my new life’s begun

I am nervous, excited; (oh) just read the marquee!

A lifetime of hiding; I’m suddenly free!

My dinner is waiting for me

A lifetime of hiding; I’m suddenly free!

My dinner is waiting for me

On a day like today

2009-05-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

Where to start... I went to Berlin for 4 days to visit my sister (as you already know). What I also did was meet up with two fellow Youtubers. I've never met YouTubers before, so I was happy to meet Kiwi and Kerstin. We went for Coffee and then a little bit of shopping. I got a fridge magnet for my sister and 2 pairs of underpants for me (powder-blue and purple, if you must know). It turns out that Youtubers are actually like normal people. Except they know what I'm saying when words like "subs" come out of my mouth. Fun times all around :)

My family then prepared a delicious dinner for me, my sis, my parents, my aunt and cousin. It was all very pleasant ;)

So today I was driving home from work and I realized how much I miss a "significant other" (gosh how I loathe this term) in all the little things in life. I was singing along as I always do, because if I don't sing, I fall asleep and we all know that this wouldn't be good. And as I was singing, I realized how nice it would be to have someone to sing along with. I think this makes a nice metaphor for my situation. I would like to have someone to sing along with in my life.

I wondered how I might look from the outside. I normally don't think about what others think of me, but today I actively thought about it. How do others perceive me? Who do they think I am? I am ok-looking (on good days), I am intelligent enough to hold a conversation (if I'm not too nervous, I cannot do small talk for the life of me - yes, I'm a lousy date), I earn enough money to not have to live on the street, I have some sense of fashion and music... Ok, many others also have these things, but I'm not overly repulsive, am I?

So these people (whoever they are)... if they see all these things... what do they think? Do I seem happy? Do I seem to have a plan for my own life? Do I seem to know what I'm doing? Because to be honest, I'm not, don't have, don't know.

I've had the fortune of many things falling into my lap, but what do I really know? Nothing. Not really.

A few weeks ago, I was driving in a car with my boss and said (may I remind you that I suck at small talk) that I always wanted to be a privatier, living off my money without having to work. *pause* yes, I actually told my boss that I don't want to work, but would rather live off my money *resume* and he bluntly told me that this would be a waste of talent. He actually thinks I'm talented at what I'm doing. Now this is the point where I'm rolling over the floor laughing (on the inside), because what does he know? He thinks THIS is talented? The degree of talent I present in my job is such a small fraction of real talents hidden deep deep beneth my lazy exterior that it seems insignificant to me.

Ok... I'm doing it again. I'm sitting here, listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Sia and let all my thoughts flow onto the screen. I'm sorry for that.

I'll talk to you soon (tomorrow diving - yay for cute guys in the shower!), take care my friends.

Lyrics of the day: I need to be in love by the Carpenters

The hardest thing I've ever done

Is keep believing

There's someone in this crazy world

For me

The way that people come and go

Thru temporary lives

My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say "No promises,

Let's keep it simple"

But freedom only helps you say

Good-bye

It took a while for me to learn

That nothin' comes for free

The price I've paid is high enough for me

(*) I know I need to be in love

I know I've wasted too much time

I know I ask perfection of

A quite imperfect world

And fool enough to think that's

What I'll find

So here I am with pockets full

Of good intentions

But none of them will comfort me

Tonight

I'm wide awake at four a.m.

Without a friend in sight

Hanging on a hope but I'm alright

Just because I'm gone, doesn't mean I'm not here

2009-05-22T01:47:00.000-07:00

The internet is a place without the necessary limitations of time and space. I'm in Berlin now, but for all you know, I could be at home, in Timbuktu, looking at the tower of Pisa, whatever. I could post this now or let it be scheduled to post it tomorrow. I could write it today and post it in a month or have written it a month ago and post it today. The result for you would be exactly the same, it being this article (?) blog post. I love the possibility of bending time and space in the virtual realm.

So I am in Berlin now (see pic above ;) and it's great. I mean... it took forever to get here due to full highways etc, but I'm here now and that's what counts. Currently I'm at my sister's and my parents are also here, we will meet my aunt and 2 cousins tomorrow evening for dinner, it will be a new kind of reunion in Berlin ;)

Here, you can still feel the 45 years of separation everywhere you go. In the old and rotten buildings that still stand here and there, in the historic places where little signs remind you that this was the place where someone got shot for wanting to get out of a country. It already seems like ages ago, but it's not. Only 20 years ago, people were not allowed to live their lives as they saw fit in our modern society. No matter what people try to think nowadays, no matter what films try to tell you about the DDR, it was a dictatorship. And no matter how much we might complain that we have to build up 2 countries at once, because 45 years of socialism brought one half to ecological disaster and economical bancruptcy, we are still very, very happy that our country is whole again. The younger people can't remember how the country looked like on the map when it was divided and maybe that's for the best? We're not supposed to think in the terms "west" and "east" anymore, but most of the people >25 still do. We will grow together again, but it will take time. No 45 years, but time.

In other news, I saw the first episode of "Glee" yesterday and I was enthralled by the campness and the one-liners. Will it be the show with the best actors, arcs, special effects? Definitely not. Will it provide entertainment with musical songs and concious campness? Oh yes. I'm a sucker for fun entertainment, but let's be honest. Who isn't.

I could just keep writing and writing, because I tend to jump from one topic to the next and just keep babbling, but I'll stop now ;)

I'll talk to you guys soon and take care.

Lyrics of the day: Oats we sow by Gregory and the Hawk.

Someday i'll toss all your presents

And bury the letters left unsent

Cause it's bad to do what's easy

Just cause it's easy

And i wanna do what pleases me but i can't

The road, she'd roll round the side of the mountain

With nowhere to go

But the heart, we know,

When it's needin' it's careenin' toward bein' alone

Someday i'll find the mind to mend it

And make dry these eyes i've gotten wet

Cause it's bad to do what's easy just cause it's easy

I wanna do what pleases me but i can't

The crow, he'd mow half the grass on the knoll

With nowhere to go

But the heart, we know,

When it's lovin' it's leanin' toward bein' alone

The oats we sow,

They could seed on forever with nowhere to grow

But the heart, we know,

When it's askin' it's exact twin it will not be alone

Splitting

2009-05-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ehm... yes. You already know about my obsession with sky/cloud pictures. Nothing new there.

I have been a bit on the philosophical side in the last few posts, so let's just talk a bit shall we? What's going on with you guys? What's going on with me? Oh well... not too much. I'll spend Thursday-Sunday in Berlin with my sis and it's gonna be a lot of fun :) What else... I'm getting so exhausted after 5-6 months without a vacation that I get almost nothing done during the day. It's sad, but true. Also, I keep getting the feeling that I should just leave here and travel around the world. Just fly wherever I want to, live there, make some money as a barista or give piano lessons, then fly on. I just need to get away from people.

One small philosophical question that just occurred to me. Is it ok to be an asshole, if you're a genius? I just thought of that because I read a small article today about Karl Lagerfeld and what an asshole he is, if you cross him. This guy is a mad genius... does that make it ok to be mean? I'm just asking...

Take care and I'll see you soon :)

Lyrics of the day: Anything goes by Ella Fitzgerald (well... by Cole Porter of course)

Times have changed,

And we've often rewound the clock,

Since the Puritans got a shock,

When they landed on Plymouth Rock,

If today, any shock they should try to stand,

Steada' landing on Plymouth Rock,

Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days a glimpse of stockings,

Was looked on as something shocking,

Now heaven knows,

Anything goes.

Good authors too who once knew better words,

Now only use four-letter words,

Writting prose,

Anything Goes.

The world has gone mad today,

And goods bad today,

And blacks white today,

And days night today,

When most guys today,

That women prize today,

Are just silly jigalo's.

So though I'm not a great romance,

I know that I'm bound to answer,

When you propose,

Anything goes.

The world has gone mad today,

And goods bad today,

And blacks white today,

And days night today,

When most guys today,

That women prize today,

Are just silly jigalo's.

So though I'm not a great romance,

I know that I'm bound to answer,

When you propose,

Anything goes,

Anything goes.

Movie genres

2009-05-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

I took this picture in Texas on a (surprisingly hot) October afternoon 2008. It turned out quite nicely... Texas is actually a lot greener than I imagined it to be. In my mind there was a lot of sand and oil wells and stuff. I guess you never stop learning.

Today, I wanted to talk to you about movie genres and their relation to real life. I thought about that while reading Maureen Johnson's "The key to the golden firebird" where May says "Sorry for the drama". There are many genres. Some of them are Drama, Comedy, Romantic Comedy, Thriller, Horror, Slasher, SciFi, Fantasy (those last two in combination with some others)... but let's be honest. Which ones relate to life?

Where does life happen? Is it Comedy? Come on. Imagine Wedding Crashers. Does that relate to your life? RomCom? Does Notting Hill happen in real life? Sadly not. We can hope though... but it mostly doesn't. SciFi and Fantasy? Ehm... nope. Slasher/Horror? Oh God, I hope not.

Thriller? Please... have you seen The Departed? We can just pray that stuff like that doesn't happen. What's left? That's right: Drama. Drama is where life happens. If you watch a drama, those are real stories, stories that could happen somewhere, could happen to you. Horrifying, isn't it. The genre that relates to us the most is the one that makes us cry. What does that say about our lives?

It means that the things that matter in life are the ones that make you reach out to the person sitting next to you, the ones that make you cry, the ones that open your eyes wide in the understanding what's happening beneath the surface of the actors. That make you feel for them, for their stories and their emotions.

All genres have their place in our lives (except Slasher/Gore movies. I mean... come on. Someone who enjoys watching "Hostel" need psychological help.), but the ones that push us forward and make us understand our own lives better... those are dramas.

You would think that the webpage iheartmovies.com would be ideal for me, but I came to the conclusion that it's totally self-absorbed to put your movie library on the internet.

Take care and enjoy the sunshine :)

Lyrics of the day: Storytelling by Belle & Sebastian

Picture a scene in your mind

Looks at all the people and take note of the setting behind

Listen, watch, and wait

A plot begins to take shape

There's a story

And then characters will come to you

Relating events as they choose to

But all their words and actions come entirely from you

If you're a storyteller you might think you're without responsibility

And you can lead your characters anywhere you want

You have immunity

Have you considered the way

People might react to all the things that your characters say?

And are their actions hand in hand with what you want to portray?

Are you sick?

Are you crippled? Insane?

Expressing the desires that daren't speak their name?

Are you the one to be blamed?

Now you're a storyteller you might think you are without responsibility

But in directions, actions and words

Cause and effect

You need consistency

How can you finish the tale?

Lives which have played a part

Are summarized from the very start

And episodes left out to make it all go our way

"It's a might big world

Some of it I've seen

But mostly I've only heard

And stories are all fiction from their moment of birth"

You're just a storyteller

You're not trying to escape responsibility

If we believe you then you're successful

But you don't make claims of verity

Individual reality

2009-05-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

You know that sometimes people are condescending. You know that, right? People (and by people I mean mostly others, but sometimes myself) tend to think that their conception of reality is the right one and others are mistaken. This happens especially with older people (e.g. parents) and younger people (e.g. childern).

Parents tend to think that they know better. That the children might think something or feel something, but they are of course wrong. This is apparent when the child first falls in love and gets his/her heart broken. It might feel like the end of the world for the child, but the parents say "Oh well, that's normal, it's not so bad, he'll survive, it'll all be better soon".

The point I want to make here is this. The reality of an individual is real. It's right. It might not be the end of the world for you, but it might feel like that for him. So for him it's real and it feels like the end of the world. Something might be exciting for him and you might find it boring, but that doesn't mean it IS boring. In his reality, it might be the most exciting thing in the whole wide world.

The reality of an individual is probably very different from yours, but that doesn't make it less real, worth less, less interesting.

This might all make sense, if you let it settle in your head and it could even be important to keep it in the back of your mind next time you roll your eyes at someone. Not that I would assume that my blog readers do such a thing, but... you know... I sometimes do.

Lyrics of the day: I don't want to wait by Paula Cole.

So open up your morning light

And say a little prayer for Rye

You know that if we are to stay alive

And see the peace in every eye

She had two babies

One was six months one was three

In the war of '44

Every telephone ring

Every heartbeat stinging

When she thought it was God calling her

Oh would her son grow to know his father

I don't want to wait

For our lives to be over

I want to know right now

What will it be

I don't want to wait

For our lives to be over

Will it be yes or will it be

Sorry

He showed up all wet

On the rainy front step

Wearing shrapnel in his skin

And the war he saw

Lives inside him still

It's so hard to be gentle and warm

The years passed by and now

He had granddaughters

Oh so you look at me

From across the room

You're wearing your anguish again

Believe me, I know the feeling

It sucks you into the jaws of anger

Oh, so dig a little more deeply,

All we have is the very moment

And I don't want to do what

His father and his father and his father did

I want to be here now

So open up your morning light

And say a little prayer for right

You know that if we are to stay alive

And see the peace in every eye

So open up your morning light

And say a little prayer for right

You know that if we are to stay alive

And see warmth in every eye

Things people do

2009-05-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

There are things I can do. You know... that I can do reasonably ok. These things are my job.

There are things I can do. You know... that I can do quite well. These things are my hobbies.

Wouldn't it be nice, if I could earn my moneyz by doing things I can do quite well? It would.

I got to thinking about this, because as you might (not) know, I have discovered blip.fm q few months ago and I love it :)

You can be the DJ of your own little channel and play music for people and I have so much fun doing that. Music is what I'm about. I could listen to music all day long and if I could earn money for that? Oi, that'd be nice. www.blip.fm/nichi

Also, I have discovered the charming TV show "Chuck", so I'm a bit occupied catching up :)

I'll see you soon, take care.

Lyrics of the day: Theme from Mahogany by Diana Ross

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to? Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for,

When you look behind you theres no open door?

What are you hoping for? Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time,

Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.

You knew how Iloved you, but my spirit was free

Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to? Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had,

We let so many dreams just slip through our hands.

Why must we wait so long before we see,

How sad the answers to those questions can be?

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to? Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for,

When you look behind you theres no open door?

What are you hoping for? Do you know?

Oh boy.

2009-05-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have actually many things to tell you, but I don't know if I have the energy to write them all ;) or at least not in a text that I'd like (you) to read. I'll try anyway.

I just stubbed my big toe and it hurts now. Wait... that's actually not that interesting.

Today, I drove 4.5h to the northwest just to take a look at a building. Or rather some rooms in that building. That took an hour. I am home now and spent about 9-10h in a car just to look at empty rooms. Ok... that's totally not that interesting either. Not for me and not for you.

Now let's come to one of the more interesting parts. I took my first diving lesson on Wednesday and I loved it. But let me start at the very beginning (a really good place to start ;). I drove to the sports building of my uni for the first time and it was like right from a movie. I drove there, looked up, and there it was. All concrete, 70ies build, looked like a jail or an asylum that got deserted 10 years ago. Completely grown-in by vines and trees way up on a hill looking over the city. I was a bit frightened. And not only because I was going to do physical excercise.

I got my passport for the sememster, which was easy enough.

I was sitting there and waiting for the course to start and had some time to look at all the people taking classes in the centre. There were way more guys than girls (I guess guys like sports more than girls do?) and let me tell you something: It's one thing to wear comfortable clothes when doing sports, but when you're walking around, anything that allows you to jog in, stretch in, sweat in, roll in the mud in, without worries - is not acceptable.

After carrying the equipment down, we had to shower to prepare for the lesson. Now I would love to look at the other guys during showertime, I mean I don't get much nude time with guys as it is, but without glasses it's not really much fun. I can hardly see shapes and I can't see hard shapes, so what's the point. And also we got divided into 2 groups and the other one has all the cute guys. Yeah well... what can you do.

After showering, we learned how to use the equipent etc, interesting stuff. Diving is so much fun. One thing about me: I have a weird (and a bit fatal) trust in technology. I just took the mouthpiece, went under and breathed. Some were nervous, some were afraid. Some were cautios and tried it over the water. I just put it in my mouth and went down (that's what he said!). This trust will probably get me in trouble or hurt one day...

Then a very funny theory lesson (not) and by then I was sleepwalking... I had been up for 15h and it was just a lot. After the practical lesson: showertime again :) I seem like a pervert now, but there's something very nice about early-20ies guys. Sue me if you wish to. I tumbled to my car and got home somehow. Next day: wake up at 5am? Sure thing.

So how pretty is the picture I just took? The moon is sooo bright it's like a small sun. I love nights like these.

I hope you're allright and I'll see you soon.

Lyrics: Hope by slut.

hope that I can make it as it comes.

hope that I can make it like the other ones.

hope, I'm getting used to what I see.

hope, I'm getting used and get in touch with what I feel.

hope and wait to undergo,

what I just didn't want to know.

hope, that I will never break and fade.

hope, to show my face again

and get in touch with all of them.

hope, that I will make it everyday...

oh everyday...

I hope, that I can take away

a little piece of yesterday.

hope, that I will never break away.

hope to show my face again

and get in touch with you again.

hope, that I wil make it everyday...

oh everyday...

everyday...

oh everyday...

everyday...

What is love?

2009-05-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I will not try to explain love to you in this post. Not that I could. I mean... I know how love feels like. Love for friends. For family. For a person. Love for hobbies, activities. Love for art. But more eloquent people than I am have written whole books about the topic.

I would like to tell you today, why I love my city and most importantly - why I know it loves me back.

The picture above shows you my city in the best possible light. The hills, lush with the spring green. Light falling from the sky that looks like angels are coming down to settle on the 58 churches (yes, 58 churches... in a town of 130.000). Old buildings and stores. Places, inviting you to spend an afternoon watching the passerbys. Stores that tell you they have been open for 351 years. Fortresses with engravings that tell you about the battles taking place 1500 years ago.

But it's not really all of these things that make me love my city. What makes me love it is the smell when it has rained on the marketplace in summer. The musicians that sit on the street and play. The crazy religious guy who shouts "Jesus is the saviour" in broken German. The sound of water under the old bridge when you cross the river. The lights that illuminate the buildings at night. The feeling to know the streets, but never know where a new shop has opened....

The question remains: How do I know that my city loves me back? The answer to this question is a bit difficult to frame, because it's a feeling. Have you ever loved someone and he didn't love you back? And have you ever loved someone and he loved you back? Until that moment, when you realize that he loves you back, you can't imagine what it would feel like and that it would make a difference... but it does. This feedback is something that I wouldn't have thought possible until roughly a year ago, but it is definitely there.

And when I look at the picture of my city, I know. I just know.

Lyrics of the day: Soon we'll be found by Sia

Come along it is the break of day

Surely now, you'll have some things to say

It's not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long

'Til we return happy

Shut your eyes, there are no lies

In this world we call sleep

Let's desert this day of hurt

Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight

Don't Turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say

Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Well it's been rough but we'll be just fine

Work it out yeah we'll survive

You mustn't let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long

'Til we return happy

Shut your eyes, there are no lies

In this world we call sleep

Let's desert this day of work

Tomorrow we'll be free

Let's not fight I'm tired can't we just sleep tonight

Don't turn away it's just there's nothing left here to say

Turn around I know we're lost but soon we'll be found

Fahion is a state of mind

2009-05-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

I was watching one of my favourite movies. One of my many, many favourite movies... "The Devil wears Prada". In it there's a quote about fashion designers:

What they created was greater than art, because you live your life in it.

This is... an interesting point of view and I appreciate it. I am a sucker for fashion. It's not that I really wear couture, because everytime I try something on with some funky colours or patterns, I look like a clown. But I appreciate couture for what it stands. A way of expressing yourself, of expressing your view of the world. A way of showing the progress the world has been experiencing and a view back to the history of fashion. It is important that some designs and coulours/patterns repeat themselves over time, but they never ever are the same. Ever! It's just a way of remembering and appreciating fashion history for what it did for us.

Ok... Fashion blog over.

I got the news today that I will spend Thursday in a car. Driving to a city where my boss wants to spend the next 5 years, then walk through an empty building, then drive back. With my boss in my tiny, tiny car. 7h of driving. I'm looking forward to that.

I would love to bore you with more details from my life, but I'm very tired and have a 10h work day tomorrow ending with a lovely presentation by yours truly. I'm telling you... when I'm finished with this job, I'll be really good at... whatever I'm doing.

Lyrics of the day: I hope that I don't fall in love with you by Tom Waits.

Well I hope that I dont fall in love with you

cause falling in love just makes me blue,

Well the music plays and you display

Your heart for me to see,

I had a beer and now I hear you

Calling out for me

And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

Well the room is crowded, people everywhere

And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?

Well if you sit down with this old clown,

Take that frown and break it,

Before the evenings gone away,

I think that we could make it,

And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

Well the night does funny things inside a man

These old tom-cat feelings you dont understand,

Well I turn around to look at you,

You light a cigarette,

I wish I had the guts to bum one,

But weve never met,

And I hope that I dont fall in love with you.

I can see that you are lonesome just like me,

And it being late, youd like some some company,

Well I turn around to look at you,

And you look back at me,

The guy youre with has up and split,

The chair next to yous free,

And I hope that you dont fall in love with me.

Now its closing time, the musics fading out

Last call for drinks, Ill have another stout.

Well I turn around to look at you,

Youre nowhere to be found,

I search the place for your lost face,

Guess Ill have another round

And I think that I just fell in love with you.

Things are like that. Or like that.

2009-05-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to me that we sometimes are so thankful to be able to put things in boxes. Something is like that. Or like that. (Hence, the title of this blog entry). It makes our live easier, when we don't always have to think about something. We can look, judge, put it away and focus our attention and energy on something else.

In the picture above, it was about midnight, but you wouldn't have guessed, because looking out the window presented a landscape like you see... well in that pic. We like to judge something as day or as night, because it gives our lives rhythm, not because it's something solid or something imposed from the outside.

Yes, at night the sun is down and the moon is up. But is it always?

Yes, at night it's dark and during the day, it's light outside. What about the artic summer? Or nights like the one depicted above where the moon is brighter than the sun sometimes is?

I'm using examples that are a bit extreme to make you see that in every situation we encounter in our lives, things don't have to be as we initially judge them to be. Things don't always turn out to be the way they seem to us in the beginning. It's important to challenge ourselves, so that we don't just put our opinions, label them and stuff things in the labelled boxes. Things that might be something else if we allowed ourselves to look more closely. To examine the truth behind the exterior appearence.

Things. Places. Books. People. Most things deserve a closer look, most might suprpise you, if you delete the usual labels.

Lyrics of the day: Magic by Nick Drake.

I was born to love no one

No one to love me

Only the wind in the long green grass

The frost in a broken tree.

I was made to love magic

All its wonder to know

But you all lost that magic

Many many years ago.

I was born to use my eyes

Dream with the sun and the skies

To float away in a lifelong song

In the mist where melody flies.

I was made to love magic...

I was born to sail away

Into a land of forever

Not to be tied to an old stone grave

In your land of never.

I was made to love magic...

Oh, you know... typical day.

2009-05-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

Well today was as usual a little stretch between the life that's a bit more me (meaning going to a coffee bar with a book, reading, some light shopping, enjoying the weather...) and a bit more "me, when I'm out in the country with the 'rents" (meaning climbing down a well to scrape up dirt in 1' of almost freezing water 20' underground).

Let my quote the Rocky Horror Picture Show: I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared.

That's how it's like in my life. I'm a country boy who enjoys wearing Dolce&Gabbana jeans. Maybe that's my niche?

Anyway... today I picked up some DVDs that I had made. I've been in musical performances in school and I only had those on VHS. So I had them burnt on DVD and I'll digitalize them on my computer :) Some performances were good, others weren't, but that's what it's about.

I'll go to my friend's birthday party in a little over an hour, but I have to catch some sleep till them or I'll pass out at 9pm. I'm such an old person ;)

I hope you're all feeling fine and I'll see you soon.

Lyrics: Rhymes and Reasons by John Denver

So you speak to me of sadness

And the coming of the winter

Fear that is within you now

It seems to never end

And the dreams that have escaped you

And the hope that you've forgotten

You tell me that you need me now

You want to be my friend

And you wonder where we're going

Where's the rhyme and where's the reason

And it's you cannot accept

It is here we must begin

To seek the wisdom of the children

And the graceful way of flowers in the wind

For the children and the flowers

Are my sisters and my brothers

Their laughter and their loveliness

Could clear a cloudy day

Like the music of the mountains

And the colours of the rainbow

They're a promise of the future

And a blessing for today

Though the cities start to crumble

And the towers fall around us

The sun is slowly fading

And it's colder than the sea

It is written from the desert

To the mountains they shall lead us

By the hand and by the heart

They will comfort you and me

In their innocence and trusting

They will teach us to be free

For the children and the flowers

Are my sisters and my brothers

Their laughter and their loveliness

Could clear a cloudy day

And the song that I am singing

Is a prayer to non believers

Come and stand beside us

We can find a better way

BEDA 30 - How to summarize a life 4x3

2009-04-30T01:19:00.000-07:00

DIRECTIONS:
- Go to Google image search.
- Type in your answer to each question.
- Choose a picture from the first page.
- Use this website (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php) to make your collage.

QUESTIONS:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Idea stolen from the lovely Ms Bazzy (www.jabazzy.blogspot.com) and she stole it from JohnnyDurham19.

And this is what came to pass... so how do you summarize a life 4x3? It got me thinking. Life actually gets more complicated the older we get, due to the things we know and experience. You think that life might get easier, but you're wrong.

It's like knowledge... the more you know, the less you're qualified to give simple answers, because there ARE no simple answers. Not to anything. And the more you know, the more you're aware of this fact.

I digress. This is the last day of BEDA and I'm a little bit sad to see it go and a lot relieved to see it go. I love blogging, but if I'm able to skip a day or two, I'll be a happier chap (and blogger). Blogging puts things in perspective and opens up your view for all the other things in the world that you wouldn't know about. By reading blogs, you can delve into the lives of many different people and be them for a couple of minutes. You read about relationships, about festivals, anxieties, about mean parents and great friends, about trips and schools, exams and plays. It's like reading a book, but you know that these people and occurrences are real. I read about all these things in the last month and I got to know some new people and some old people better ;)

I love blogging and I love people who blog. It's as simple as that and I think I should conclude BEDA with this sentiment.

Lyrics:

I want to change, to rearrange

What is going on

I need to change, I need to play

Like a five year old

I can't detach from the past and all of the pain

I need to laugh, start from scratch begin again

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

So I'm going to eat one hundred sweets

I don't care if I get fat

And I'm going to speak I won't censor me

I know I can take nothing back

And I'm going to jump I will unburden

I cannot go too deep

I will not run from bad things I've done

They're things I'll try not to repeat

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

Welcome to

The church of what's happening now

Head straight through

It costs nothing but change

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

Throw away yesterday

Today is a brand new day

BEDA 29 - Post partum projects

2009-04-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

The question arises... what to do after BEDA? Because it's only today and tomorrow left? I'm getting jittery already ;)

I have a few "projects" in my life running, so where will my time go? I'm still trying to read 50 books in 2009 and I have to tell you, I'm not up to par. I'm at 13-14 books and should be at 16 at least. But I'll do that.

What I'll also do is learn a few poems by heart. I won't have the time to learn one every day, but maybe every week? I have a very good memory, so it doesn't take me too long to learn a poem (well... at least not if it's shorter than a page ;).

I will spend more time outside in the parks and gardens. Smelling the lilacs is especially rewarding, but it's raining today :-( so that's no fun.

I'm gonna travel a bit this summer or at least I'm planning to. Last year I've been to Japan and the USA, but this year? I'm thinking about England, Egypt, I'd love to visit Scandinavia or spend a few weeks in the south of France... Oh boy, if I had more vacation days ;)

I would love to do some youtube collaborations, because I love them and that's something that would be fun to do. Also, I'd like to get into writing more. Short stories, but maybe not a novel, because I don't have the patience ;) Write a few songs, play the piano more... I have loads to do. Loads!

Today, I looked at my bank account and was a bit shocked by the 2 digit number... so it turns out that today was the day, all cooperations decided to get some money from me. Credit card, car tax, amazon (yeah... that's a bit my fault), etcetc... Luckily, I'll get my paycheck tomorrow.. I hate being that low on cash... but who doesn't.

I like my youtube subscribers. I like my twitter followers. I adore my blog readers ;) Wait... that my sound like I copied it from Hayley. I didn't, I just feel the same. Is it copying, if the feeling is the same from the beginning? Because it can't be a copy if it's both the original, right?

Lyrics:

Golden rod and the 4-H stone

The things I brought you

When I found out you had cancer of the bone

Your father cried on the telephone

And he drove his car to the Navy yard

Just to prove that he was sorry

In the morning through the window shade

When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade

I could see what you were reading

Oh the glory that the lord has made

And the complications you could do without

When I kissed you on the mouth

Tuesday night at the bible study

We lift our hands and pray over your body

But nothing ever happens

I remember at Michael's house

In the living room when you kissed my neck

And I almost touched your blouse

In the morning at the top of the stairs

When your father found out what we did that night

And you told me you were scared

Oh the glory when you ran outside

With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied

And you told me not to follow you

Sunday night when I cleaned the house

I find the card where you wrote it out

With the pictures of your mother

On the floor at the great divide

With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied

I am crying in the bathroom

In the morning when you finally go

And the nurse runs in with her head hung low

And the cardinal hits the window

In the morning in the winter shade

On the first of March on the holiday

I thought I saw you breathing

Oh the glory that the lord has made

And the complications when I see his face

In the morning in the window

Oh the glory when he took our place

But he took my shoulders and he shook my face

And he takes and he takes and he takes

BEDA 28 - Time flies...

2009-04-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

... but does the world really change? This picture is from 1964 and was taken near the village where my ancestors come from. If you go there now, it looks quite the same. Fields, forests, people going to church on Sundays. Time is a human invention, not one of the physical world. We invented time to bring order to our lives, to explain why things change.

In old greece, they said "panta rhei". Which basically means that nothing ever is the same. Even if it might seem like it.

But underneath all that change that's going on all the time. Everywhere. With everyone....

... everything really stays the same in the bigger context. Life is like an ellipse. Like a frequence. Like a wavering pulse of energy. It might change, but the essence stays the same. And in the end... it's the essence of life that counts, right?

My head is spinning, so I won't try to dive into that topic any further. Take care and enjoy the last few days of blog every day April ;)

Lyrics of the day are so sad and beautiful - it's a true emo pleasure ;)

There’s a light bulb dangling from string

It’s slowly swaying up over my head now

As I jot down the words that’ll never be sung

And wait for my headache to numb

And the wind sounds as if the world’s sighing

And the moon’s just a torn fingernail

As the TV flickers and hums by the wall

And I wait for my eyesight to fade

So, So, So

It’s so damn slow

So, So, So

It’s so damn slow

And the bright-eyed choke on ambition

And the old folks circle their graves

And the young ones are busy destroying their names

And you’re still just wasting away.

I sit and watch the screen for a message

Some kinda sign that says we’re OK

But the screen stays blank till I turn the thing off

And wait for my conscience to break.

So, So, So

It’s so damn slow

So, So, So

It’s so damn slow

I hope you’re learning to listen

And I hope you’re learning to stay

And I hope you find what you’re missing

And I hope that you’re making you’re way

I’m a headcase if I don’t keep moving

And my head hurts if I don’t sit still

It’s an itch that I’ll never stop scratching

It’s a hole that I’ll never quite fill

BEDA 27 - The face of fail

2009-04-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Ok... let me try something a little bit different today. Instead of telling you about my day (I totally ordered 6 of Maureen Johnson's books today) or be all philosophical on your ass (my topic today would have been the fact that the facets of a city can be experienced and predict its future by walking through it. lame, I know), I will do the following: I will tell you about myself. This is my blog, but what do you actually know about me? Not too much, I guess.

Let's start with the picture I just took with photo booth. Normal outfit for me: (polo) shirt, blue jeans (not that you can see them), short-ish hair, sceptic look, glasses. My eyes are not the best, which is the first of many euphemisms today. My eyesight is awful, but on the other hand, my sense of hearing, smelling, and touch are quite exceptional.

I am 28 years old (yes, I know. I know. the 30 is coming nay) and currently work as a scientist. I just submitted my PhD in the field of clinical neuroimmunology and I hope that I'll receive my degree in some weeks (after an exam that I fear more than sharks right now. And that's actually saying something.). There are days where I love my job. There are quite a few days, where I don't. On the bright side, I'm good at what I'm doing :-P

My free time is spent in the most boring ways that our civilisation has come up with. I read, I surf the web, I write, I play the piano and sing, I nap, I watch clouds (a lot more than is healthy), I watch movies and TV shows (some), I listen to music (you know, like actually listen. turn off the lights, turn on music and just listen), I spend it with my friends.

Some favourites:

Songs: Boats & Birds, All I Need, Several Beatles songs, The Times they are a-changin', forever young, brothers on a hotel bed, passenger seat, transatlanticism, the theme from mahogany

(quick interlude: if anyone can tell me why it is "mahogany" in English and Mahagoni in German, I'll make sure he/she will get a cookie)

hide & seek, hallelujah (jeff buckley version), cathedrals, man in the mirror, field below, the call, calendar girl, maryland, several musical songs.

Movies: don't even get me started... let's just say Studio Ghibli, Harold & Maude, Hanami, Ordinary People, Loriot, Lord of the Rings, Rossini, and many, many, many more.

Now to me... and I really don't want you to think that this an ad, because it isn't. I just want you to understand better why I write the things I write in my blog.

I am a very simple, yet complicated person and I believe most people actually are that way.

I am always against something (even if secretely I'm for it).

I can be very funny, but quietly take pride in the fact that I don't hurt people with jokes (which is something I hate other people doing).

I am good enough at doing music to know that I'm not good enough to be great.

I would like to spend my life travelling, writing, and taking pictures.

I am way, way too picky concerning possible partners.

I cried when Wall-e died.

I cried when Macauly Culkin died in "my girl"

I cried in Coffee, Milk, and Sugar. In Schindler's list. Girlfriends. Hanami. A walk to remember. The sisterhood of the travelling pants............

I couldn't stop crying in Dancer in the Dark.

I cry in several movies, but not at all in scenes or movies that you might expect.

I hate 99% of today's television with a passion that has been unknown to me.

I would like people to listen to me, but I freak out, if someone is online stalking me.

I am single and have been for almost a year.

I can cook a little, but bake really well, because I prefer pastries to other food.

I drink a coffee or two a week, but tea is my passion. Green, black, Oolong, Roibos... I love tea.

I would like to be able to do stuff, but I'm too lazy to learn how to do it.

I have been in therapy for one session. When I was about 10-11. The therapist couldn't really help me. I think I just played "normal" too well.

I have realized a long, long time ago that we should cherish our loved ones.

I like money, but more as an abstract thought than actual money in my wallet.

I have more talents than I know what to do with, because everytime I try to develop one of them, I feel bad for the abandoned ones.

My last boyfriend broke up with me and it was a bad time to be me. I didn't tell anyone and went through it alone, which is something I would not recommend or do again.

I am painfully honest.

I like watching nature documentaries. Actually, I like documentaries in general. Actually, I like movies in general, but I don't understand the appeal of horror, splatter, gore movies. Or bad porn.

I sometimes wake up at night and can't stop myself so I plan the next day's schedule and can only fall asleep when it's done.

My mind has a mind of its own. I can delegate a task to my mind and I swear, it just delegates it to its own mind.

I have been meditating on and off for 16+ years and it's still a fight every time.

I have a special relationship to music. I can draw energy from it, but sometimes, it draws energy from me leaving me weak and broken somewhere.

I have the fucked up characteristic that I like people who are nice to me. If these people are straight, it tends to get awkward (in my head).

I don't like it if people stare me in the eyes when I talk to them. At least not for an extended period of time. I always feel like they're trying to get something out of me that I don't want to tell.

The biggest insult you can give me is that I'm stupid. Which is stupid.

The biggest compliment you can give me is.... ok. I won't tell you this one ;) You'll have to figure it out on your own.

I love my family more than you should, because if something happened to them, it might break me.

I have been to 4 continents, but I am always glad to come home again after a while.

I feel like I'm stuck in my life. Like something has to be wiggled free for me to be able to progress.

I have very deep trust issues, which is ironic, because I tell complete strangers a big part of what it means to be me.

My biggest fear and one of the only truths I know is that noone could ever understand what's going on in my head.

This is enough for today. I don't know if anyone came this far, but if you did, here are today's lyrics:

If I am lost for a day; try to find me

But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

All of the things that I thought were so easy

Just got harder and harder each day

December is darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right

While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home

Who waits up for me all through the night

Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive

Calendar Girl who's in love with the world Stay alive

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do

And when I awoke I was sure it was true

I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky

And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die

But I can't live forever,I can't always be

One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea

The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross

And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

Calendar Girl who is lost to the world

Stay Alive

Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive

January, February, March, April, May I'm alive

June, July, August, September,October I'm alive

November, December, you all through the winter, I'm alive

I'm alive

BEDA 26 - Opposites attract

2009-04-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

People always say that opposites attract. And they're right. Take this candy for example. It's caramel made out of salted butter - and it's beyond delicious. The combination of sea salt and sugar is worth gaining a few pounds...

The problem with the attraction of opposites is that they may attract, but they also cause trouble. Two people who might be very different might end up attracted to each other, but to STAY together? Improbable or even impossible. And there we have our problem. Rules that are made in our everyday lives often tell us how to start something or how to judge something from the outside, the exterior... but they don't tell us how to continue or how to judge something when the outer layers are gone and the real topic is exposed.

I'm sorry for being a bit cryptic today, but I have these moods ;) bear with me.

Oh btw... I just finished Suite Scarlett and enjoyed it immensely. I will order the rest of Maureen's books very soon and just read them all. You know, because I want to. I have taken to a little song, very nicely covered by Dave (MusicFromBlueSkies on YouTube) called 10 things. Originally by Paul Baribeau, but I like the cover better.

And that's where I leave you today. With the lyrics of 10 things: Make them true and you'll be a little bit happier than before. Promise.

name ten things you wanna do before you die and then go do them.

name ten places you really wanna be before you die and then go to them

name ten books you wanna read before you die and then go read them

name ten songs you wanna hear again before you die, get all of your friends together and scream them

because right now all you have is time time time yeah,

but someday that time will run out.

that's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

think of all the things that are wrong with your life and then fix them

think of all the things that you love about your life, be thankful you are blessed with them

think of all the things that hold you back and realize that you don't need them

think of all the mistakes you have made in your life, make sure that you never repeat them

because right now all you have is time time time yeah,

but someday that time will run out.

that's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

name ten thousand reasons why you never wanna die, go and tell someone who might've forgotten

try to list the endless reasons why it's good to be alive, and then just smile for awhile about them

soon the sun will rise and another day will come

soon enough the sun will set, another day will be gone

and right now all you have is time time time yeah,

but someday that time will run out.

that's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.