Life is happening when you're busy...

well... The quote should be like this "Life is what's happening when you're at work". Bah humbug. I would like to have enough money to last my for my lifetime. I'd still have enough to do.

I posted my talent entry today *hip hip hurray*. It's not as great as I would have liked it to be, but at least there are no mistakes concerning notes and time duration. Let's be happy about the little things, shall we?

I am still considering moving to wordpress... I don't know about this blogspot business... and it gets a bit confusing if I have more than one blog. I have enough stuff to write in 4 blogs, mind you, but not enough time and energy.

If you want to, you can check out my awesome and not yet finished new blog and leave me a comment telling me what you think. I don't know yet :)

Oh, my talent entry:

Schumann - Träumerei (played awkwardly by yours truely).

I'm also considering auditioning for a collab channel on YT, but I don't know if I have the time to do it right. We shall see.

Now on the agenda? Sleep. G'night my fellow travellers.

From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band.

The year is ending and it's time for summaries... almost. We still have a couple of days. I have to work next week and I'm not one to celebrate new years too much. I don't know yet, if 2008 was my favourite year or not. More about that in a few days ;)

In other news: Xmas is over and I'm the most exhausted that I've been in months. Family stuff is always sucking the energy right out of me.

I feel like I have so much to blog about. Too much. When I sit down to write, I don't know where to start. Sometimes I write whole passages and then delete them, because I also don't know where to stop.

I have several journals, although I haven't written much into them in the last couple of months. Blogging is easier for me. I have actually made a Vlog about my different journals on my secondary YT account... but I have one very special journal. I only write into it once a year. When I come home from new years eve celebrations at... whatever time. 2am. 3am. 4am. I open this journal and I write an entry, writing about the year gone by. The hope I had and that got crushed (or not). The things I did that I'm proud of (or not). The things I would like to accomplish in the next year.

If I sit down and read what I've written in the last.... 7-8 years, I can see my path more clearly, even if I didn't see it at the time I wrote the entry. It's much like fashion. You look around and think "there is no 'fashion of the '00s like there was 'fashion of the 80ies, 90ies etc'" but there is. And in a decade you will see it. From a distance, things seem clearer. And more managable...

Xmas

So it's Christmas time again :) My family is in bed now and I will follow soon. For me, getting/giving presents is exhausting.

I got totally nice things and the rest of my family did, too, but that's not what I want to talk to you about.

This morning, I was in my favourite coffee bar and the owner told me something interesting. She said that in her opinion the advent time, the weeks before xmas, they are so full of stress, of shopping, of having not enough time to do it all.... that when all presents are open on xmas eve, the people realize that their problems are still there. That the world doesn't rotate around presents. That they put off their problems for the last few weeks with spending and hectic, but the problems are still there. And that's why there is so much depression after the holidays.

We try to sugar coat our lives when in reality, we should use this time to honestly reflect. To mend. To talk to people.

I often asked myself how much drugs and heartache people could avoid, if they talked more honestly with each other...

On a much happier note: Merry Christmas to all my blog readers :) I know that there are 2-3 of you out there...

Report on life.

I don't know how much I still like blogger. Don't get me wrong, it's a very easy way to get your thoughts out there, but it lacks flexiblity somehow... I might migrate ;)

But I don't know yet how it will all work out.

I mean, who knows how things will work out :) 

Tonight, I talked to someone about the destructive nature of diaries. We came to the conclusion that all a diary does is remind you of the times gone by. Nothing bad about that. It doesn't, however, solve anything to write things down. It forces us to rethink them, that's true. But rethinking doesn't solve any problems. Trust me, I have tried to get myself in gear by the sheer power of thought. It doesn't work.

Like "Playing by heart" says "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture". The same here. Reading about meditation won't do you much good if you don't meditate. Writing about your problems won't do you much good, if you don't get off your ass and do something about it.

If you don't know yet what your problem really is - maybe rethinking is a good thing. If you're ready to put your thoughts into words, however, you're probably at the stage where actions speak louder than words.

All of this doesn't mean that I will abandon my diary. My Vlogs. Blogs. Etc. I'm in too deep to do that. I'm just saying that my life might be different today if I had spent more time living than writing/reading about living.

Partytime - Excellent.

Ugh. I'm sitting in my lab office waiting to go to the xmas party. I am so freaking tired and don't think for a second that this will be a 2-3h deal... nope. I will probably come home around 1-2am. If I'm lucky.

Don't get me wrong. I like my collegues, I have nothing against a nice Italian (dinner). Ouch - that pun hurt.

But to work for like 11h and then go to an official party for 6h? That's a bit much for me.

The point of xmas parties is also a bit lost on me as I don't drink alcohol, I am opinionated, and I have taste in music. Different taste - maybe. Taste nonetheless. And if I am really lucky, there will be a club attendance in my very near future.

On a much brighter note: I have 10 days off work from tomorrow on, so I can get into the xmas spirit. Xmas songs, comfy afternoons in my room with movies and tea and cookies and books and my computer and.... my family.

It's my grandma's 90th birthday next week, so that will be interesting.

Anyway... there is so much work that I could just keep on working, but what's the point of that? I have other goals for the next week. None of which include working if I can help it.

In other news, I decided to put another video gadget on my blog with my secondary channel. On this channel, I mainly just put on photo booth and start singing. I call these sessions "spontaneous creative outbursts" and I have fun with them :)

It is a bit insulting that my secondary channel still gets subscribers and subscribers whereas my primary stays in its comfort zone of 32. Meh. Doesn't matter really. Bye now and wish me luck.

Sometimes I wish

This morning I went to fill my car up with gas. I stood there, the sun was rising, it was freezing, and I took this picture of the sunrise beyond the hills.

I sometimes wish I could just pack my stuff in my car and drive away. Leave everything behind. Just drive wherever I want to. Work in some stores or farms for a while. Drive on. Never stop. Never look behind.

Our lives get filled up with so much baggage. So much stuff over the time. We have bills to pay. People to care for. We have social networks to attend to. We have jobs to do...

It gets hard to remember sometimes why we do it. Why do we do the things we do. What is it for? What's life all about?

I try to tell myself that I would find out, if I just drove away and kept driving and never stopped till I have seen everything. Till I have found everything I was looking for.

I sometimes get the feeling of living in a cage. Of rules. Appointments. Classes. Things. People. And then I just want to break through the walls and go for it. But I never do...

I fill up my car with gas, get in, drive to work, and stay. And stay.

Emily Dickinson's last words:

I must go in, the fog is rising.

Perfection... or lack thereof.

Ok... so I tried to record my talent entry for YouTube's symphony orchestra today. And I tried for over an hour to record my 5 minutes, but no such luck. I messed up. Everytime.

Sometimes I would press a key, but the sound would be a bit too soft. Or I played a wrong note. Or held one note a bit too long. Or too short. Sometimes I varied the tempo too much. Or I was too fast altogether...

Normally, I don't mind a bit of imperfection. It was (when my piano playing was concerned) always good enough. Never perfect, but good enough. I never practiced enough to play without flaws. Looking back, if I had done that I would probably be a conductor now and not a scientist, but life leads us different ways than what we might expect at one point or another...

I ended up deleting all the footage and might try again tomorrow... I swore to myself. This time. This time! THIS TIME!!! I will only submit my video, if I'm 100% content with it. Not one mistake. Not one tempo wrong or volume or accent or legato. Not one. Or I will not submit.

I might end up not submitting anything, but you have to start someplace to set some boundaries, right? They wouldn't take me anyway, if my performance is flawed, so I would submit for naught if it's not 100%. I don't even think I have a chance even if I'm at my 100%. There are some amazing piano players on YT. But we will see :)