BEDA 19 - The colours of my life form a rainbow. Fitting, isn't it?

I went through my parents' garden and I got this idea of a colour spectrum of plants and flowers. Hope you like it.

I like taking pictures. Obviously. I don't call it photography, because I think it sounds pretentious and it actually would be pretentious, because I don't know what I do. I just see, point, and click.

I will probably spend the rest of this day outside, reading or napping. Or listening to music while drifting off into a nap. Sounds good to me...

I might even blog again this afternoon/evening to make up for the lack of actual content in this one ;) who knows.

Btw. All stalker needs are addressed in the sidebar. See you soon.

So this is me, 6 hours later :) I hope I'm not sunburnt... but I think I'm ok. Blog time now.

In a perfect world, we would all have jobs that we love. We would work as much as we could / as was needed. We would get up in the morning, being impatient to finally get to continue working. Working and living would be the same thing. Well... we're not living in a perfect world (sorry to burst your bubble, if you thought we were. Or maybe you are, but I'm certainly not). You can already tell that this is one of those posts. One where I'm telling you that I don't know what to do with my life. Well, it isn't one of those posts. Hah. Gotcha.

I basically think that this world isn't necessarily as bad as we sometimes think it is. The thing is that I'm not empathic and compassionate enough to understand if there could be people whose idea of a dream job is to empty trash cans. Or to sewer dive. If there are those people out there somewhere, we would be one step closer, because everyone could do something they love doing. Yeah... this train of thought has to stop here, unfortunately, because I keep imagining sewer dives and it grosses me out.

In other news: I met a very dear old friend of mine yesterday for tea/coffee and it was so nice catching up with her. She moved away 2-3 years ago and only rarely comes home so I cherish these meet-ups. We often end up not speaking for months, but it doesn't really matter. As soon as we are together somewhere, we can talk for hours and understand each other like no time has passed. That's a sign of a good friendship.

I don't want you to have to read like 10 pages of me babbling, so I'll end this post with some lyrics:

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones

You answered me with no pretense

And still I feel I said too much

My silence is my self defense

And every time Ive held a rose

It seems I only felt the thorns

And so it goes, and so it goes

And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave

Then that would be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you

And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed

Its just as well for all Ive seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And youre the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you

Thats if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And youre the only one who knows

BEDA 18 - Incoherent confused mess.

Ok... a few things first. 2 things I learned recently proving that you actually do learn something new every day:

1. When you start to think a manikin in a speedo has sex appeal - it's time to change a few things in your life.

2. When it's not your usual style of humour, the sentence "my ass is the talk of the town" will not get you laughs, but very awkward silence. Very.

Now to more important things. I have 3 BEDA buddies :) Yay. Thanks to Maureen, I will go through the joys of blogging with The Book Monkey, Ingrid Helene, and Catherine (blogs in the sidebar). I have no idea how this interaction will take place and work, but I'm excited to find out.

I still think that BEDA is a fantastic experiment and I commend Maureen for taking an interest in what's happening to it after she launched it.

So what's up today. In my blog I usually write about things that go through my head. I'm rarely coherent. Or talk objectively about a topic. I'm inherently subjective. Judgemental. Self-centered. But I think that we all are and admitting that and trying to work around it is step one ;)

My music taste varies with my mood and the last few days, I'm finding myself to listen to more musical soundtracks than usual. Is that a sign that I need some cheesy plot in my life where people burst into song at weird moments and everything works out in the end? Well... I didn't really need music to tell me that much. But also, I have been feeling a bit differently about some things on the internet. I go through phases where I'm more into movies and then more into books. Phases where I'm more into filming and then more into blogging. Right now, writing seems very appealing to me so that's a good sign for BEDA, right?

I wanted to buy a Maureen Johnson book today in town. Sadly, they had none in English and I usually try to read a book in its original language if I'm able to understand it. So I'll just have to order some from amazon, even though I wanted to boycott them for the stunt they pulled a week ago with the banning of LGBT(insert random letter here) books. But I can always use another online bookstore. It's not like there's only amazon online. I did buy the princess bride by William Goldman though. If it's as good as the movie (and I hope it might even be better, as books often are), then it'll be a fantastic read.

I don't particularly like this blog post, as it is very jumpy and probably confusing to read. Well, if that's how I feel today, then that's what my dear readers get ;)

I hope you are all well, see you tomorrow.

Lyrics of the day:

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 

That I could fly from the highest swing. 

I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 

The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 

That I could fly from the highest tree. 

I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest swing. 

I had a dream

BEDA 17 - What I owe

As you already know from previous blog posts of mine, I am currently deciding what to do with the next chapter of my life. And as much as I'd like to, I'm not gonna molest you with another one of those. However, it made me think about something.

I have spent quite some time on my education. Now even if I wanted to drop all that and stay at my fictional hideaway in a beach house in Lisbon, I probably shouldn't. For my generation, a college education is something everyone can achieve. Well... at least where I live. It wasn't a problem for me to go to grammar school and then to university and now graduate school. But think back for a couple of decades...

In the photo above, you see some of my ancestors. One of them was an exceptionally bright and witty woman. She was among the first women to attend grammar school and she could have become a lawyer, doctor, professor... but life got in the way. She had to quit and take care of her parents when they got old. It was her duty as the oldest daughter. Even after that, her life was very difficult and she got cynical. She still had her wit and she used it lavishly on those around her. Obviously, she wasn't the most liked person in our family, but we all appreciated her for who she was.

One of my favourite quotes of hers:

Person A: You'll send me to an early grave.

Tati: That's something you've tried to console us with many times before.

She died last year at the age of 98.

If I think of the generations before me, I feel obligated to continue my education. Use the years I have spent at university. I feel like I owe it to them. My parents always say that it's good fortune that they aren't rich so I'm forced to work. They think that if I didn't have to earn my own money, I would just lie around all day doing nothing. I'm still not 100% sure if they are right or wrong, but let's face it: I'll probably never find out.

Unless there's a handsome rich guy out there that desperately wants to pay for my living expenses... but even then that would'nt feel right. I've always felt that I want to contribute. Want my life to add something to the world that hasn't been there before. Not out of nostalgia or unnecessary sentimentality (I have a previous blog post about the topic of being remembered when you're dead), but because I owe it to them. I'm not a religious person or I would say I owe it to God, but I think I owe it to people in my past like my great aunt Tati.

Lyrics of the day:

KATE MONSTER:

I wish I could go back to college.

Life was so simple back then.

NICKY:

What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!

PRINCETON:

I wish I could go back to college.

In college you know who you are.

You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!

I am totally gonna go far!"

ALL:

How do I go back to college?

I don't know who I am anymore!

PRINCETON:

I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!

Ohhh...

I wish I could just drop a class...

NICKY:

Or get into a play...

KATE MONSTER:

Or change my major...

PRINCETON:

Or fuck my T.A.

ALL:

I need an academic advisor to point the way!

We could be...

Sitting in the computer lab,

4 A.M. before the final paper is due,

Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,

And seeing the rest of the class there, too!

PRINCETON:

I wish I could go back to college!

ALL:

How do I go back to college?!

AHHHH...

PRINCETON:

I wish I had taken more pictures.

NICKY:

But if I were to go back to college,

Think what a loser I'd be-

I'd walk through the quad,

And think "Oh my God..."

ALL:

"These kids are so much younger than me."

BEDA 16 - Music

So this is Blog Every Day April on the 16th of this very busy month. I would like to take the time on this first day of the second half of this interesting project to talk about music. Now music is a big topic and I might come off course in this blog, but bear with me and believe me that my intentions are good.

I come from a musical family. In that picture above, you can see my grandfather at the cello (which he never quite mastered) and my father + my aunt at the piano. I have been playing the piano since the age of 6. Yeah... that's 22 years. Scary, I know. Now I don't have the best ability in playing the piano, mainly because I didn't practice enough. I have some talent, but I was never forced to play, so I only played when I wanted to. Mind you, I have played/practiced a lot, but not enough to be a professional musician. What I have developed, however, is something of a good ear. I can hear melodies, harmonies, musical structures. Where you might hear chaos in a piece of Stravinsky or Shostakovich, I might hear order. That doesn't give me any kind of advantage in real life other than the disgust of most of the things played on the radio. And you can hardly call that an advantage.

Music for me is more than a pastime. It's an essential part of my life. Listening to music, playing the piano, singing, recording, writing music. Playing with different settings and structures. All of this is what makes music so vital and so energetic. The interesting thing about (classical) music is that there are always 3 parts to this art form. The composer, the interpreter, and the listener. Sometimes there's even 4, if you include the conductor in a setting with an orchestra. That means that the music is transposed and transformed several times till it reaches your ear and finally your brain. Music is open to interpretation, to mood. Music never sounds the same to the same individual. Let alone to others. Music is the type of art that can access the mood centers in our brain without bothering to check into the concious parts. Music can change our moods, make us feel something... and there's nothing we can do to prevent it.

Actually, this is what makes music dangerous as well. The examples of propaganda material from the Nazi regime shows this too well. And of course modern advertisment.

In terms of musical tolerance, I'm not really one to talk. I'm very judgemental. I don't think of many of the newer music forms as "real" music even though I try to. I positively hate so many of the new songs that are on the radio that I shouldn't even talk about "chaqu'un a son gôut" with you and I won't.

Music is a very simple and a very complex topic as all good topics are. I can't possible touch all areas in one single blog post, but I wanted to talk to you guys a little bit about it anyway. In the last couple of years, I have changed my musical focus (in listening) to either classical or indie music. I like listening to very independent and unpolished musicians, because I can feel their passion. I can feel that this is what they want to do, even if it means doing it next to their day job or at night. Without food, etc.

I like listening to Gregory and the Hawk or the Bird and the Bee. I like Kate Havnevik and Imogen Heap. I also like Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Kate Nash, Radiohead, Coldplay etc, but my favourites these days are people like Julia Nunes, Danielle Ate the Sandwitch, Dave from Blue Skies, Hank Green, etc. People that I have some kind of a connection to. I know most of them from YouTube and I know them a little bit. And not in the way we all know Britney Spears, but in a more personal way. That's what YouTube can do for us. It brings us closer together. The only thing between us is a webcam and a satellite.

I have rambled on much longer than I had planned to, so I'll close this blog with some lyrics that leave nothing to add in the shadow of their brilliance.

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous

May you grow up to be true

May you always know the truth

And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous

Stand upright and be strong

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

And may your song always be sung

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

A day I've been waiting for. Or haven't I?

Isn't this picture idyllic? That's next to my home. It's so pretty here that sometimes it takes my breath away.

So today I picked up my PhD thesis from the printer. Shocker, right? The thing is this. You might think that I've been waiting for this day for 3.5 years. The day I hold it in my hands, freshly printed. And that might actually be the case for most people. The "problem" with me is that I've never really doubted that I would end up here. Is that tragic? Self-absorbed?

My dad has said to me once that he wants to have 2 children with a Dr. in front of their name... under his obituary. He's morbid like that.

My grandfather was a doctor, my dad still is one, so naturally, it was pre-planned that I'd be... something academic? Don't get me wrong, I have always done what I thought best and I'm happy to be where I am right now.

The problem I'm having here is that it feels so scheduled. Others might have extatic parents, whereas mine are glad, but not that into it. You know... it's like a pre-destined stepping stone. Something to check on a list of things to do.

But what if I'd like to leave this path... do something different. Do something noone would have expected me to do? I'd like to take time off to see the world. Live in the south of France for a while. Write in a beach house in Portugal. Study photography in San Francisco or English literature in London. Go diving in the great barrier reef. Spend some months in a Japanese Zen monastery.

What if I'd like to do all these things and more? How would I feel then? Because right now, I feel a bit like an empty vessel, doing something just because it is the thing to do.

In the next 2 weeks, I'll use this blog for BEDA (blog every day april). I've done the first half of the month as VEDA, the next one will be in written form. See you tomorrow.

The last one

Has it ever occurred to you that we only have so few years to live on this earth? Let's just say that we are lucky and get to live to be 100 years old. That seems like quite a long time. Look what happened in the last 100 years. The world has changed. And in many, many ways it is changing back these days. We try to rely less on fossil fuels and use the power of the wind and the waves. We try to cut back on atomic bombs. We try to re-think our capitalistic ways and realize that there is no last end for money. That money has to stand for something.

If we only try to get richer for riches sake it's meaningless. We should try to advance humanity to a point where everyone has enough to eat, access to medical help, can shape his/her life the way they seem fit. The way they seem most probable to bring them happiness.

But I digress. 100 years. When you see it as landmarks, it's actually frigheningly short. 100x christmas, 100x the first snow of the year, 100x the bloom of the magnolias. All of these things - only 100x. Think about how often you have listened to your favourite song. Or seen your favourite movie. Think about the times you went to a bar with your friends... then 100x seems not that big a number now does it.

We only get to celebrate our birthday 100x. Spring 100x...... we might only fall in love a couple of times, if at all. Only might meet life partners a couple of times, if at all. And unless the title of a certain James Bond movie is correct, we only get to live once, and die once.

Our time on this earth is short. Everytime you observe an annual event as depicted in the picture above, it's one time you will never get back. It's one time less on your life scoreboard. We should make the best of it.

I will be honest with you... I am lonely the last few days... maybe even weeks. I see myself developing into a direction where I'm not sure other people will follow. Will want to follow. I might become even weirder (if that's even possible). And all of these things seem to be more or less contra-productive concerning finding a guy for me. The problem is that I see my friends pairing up. It's actually an interesting project (if you can call the life of your friends a project). They go from girlfriend/boyfriend to girlfriend/boyfriend for 10 years and suddenly, when they are 25-26, they stop and it seems so random to me. Like playing musical chairs. When the music stops, you sit down and stay where you are. Like their inner clock is telling them: "Enough fooling around, you need to get yourself someone to settle down, found a family, etcpp. Now do it". And maybe because my wires are a bit differently, this inner voice doesn't really know what to tell me. And because it's at its wits end, it just says "You're lonely, but what do I care".

I don't really want to burden you with my petty little problems, but I'm always honest in my blogs and I plan to keep it that way.

Differences and similarities

As you might know, I have been doing vlog every day april (and will continue doing it). That means that I spend a few precious minutes of my day on making a more or less entertaining video. Less entertaining if I look at today's contribution. It means that I talk about what's going on in my life, some anecdote, or where I am (I've found a liking for filming outdoors).

That's the same as with my blog. Here, I write things I think about, things that happen to me, I wish for, I dislike etc.

The differences are also very clear. Here, I write. Which means

a) you cannot possibly know that I'm not a native speaker (no accent in written form ;) at least I hope so).

b) I'm much more concise and precise in what I want to convey

c) I have a different audience

d) I feel more at home in written form and, therefore, can write about things I could never talk about.

So you see... as much as there are similarities between vlogging and blogging, between my YouTube account and this blogger account, there are actually many more differences.

This also means that I will not neglect this blog anymore... many days without an entry. How could I.

The picture above was taken in Portugal (one of my many favourite countries :). I sometimes dream myself to Lisbon when my life tries to get me down.

I hope you are all well and take care of yourselves :) This was just a small update, I might talk about something a bit more substantial later on. Or tomorrow :) Who knows.