Finding yourself

With the things I experienced during the last week, I could fill many blog posts, but I will try to be short and concise, because let's face it: people like the blogs they follow to come to the point ;) Or at least I do.

I took the above pic from the plane when I flew over the desert Sinai. No plant in sight for hundreds of miles. No shrub, no tree. Just rocks and sand. I have never experienced anything like it and it scared me. If you look at all the pictures I posted taken near my home, you know that I'm from a hilly, green country. Vineyards, fiels, forests. Being among that much sand and that little plants scared me.

I went for a vacation that lasted 1 day in the end. That's right, I flew to Egypt for 1 day. To my defense, I had planned to stay a week, but something came up. And with something, I mean personal issues (could I be any more vague?). Sufficed to say that I would not fly around the globe if it wasn't unavoidable.

This week, I learned much about myself. About who I am and about what I can do. I also got more scared than I had been in many years. That tends to happen when I delve too deeply into my self. What does that tell about me, if I can even scare myself with it? I don't really want to know. So I'm sitting in a 5-star hotel at the red sea. Thousands of miles from anyone I know. Noone, nothing to distract me. No work. No internet. Not enough books (seriously, what was I thinking? 5 books for a week? I read 3 in 2 days!). Just me and my thoughts.

I circled a very big dark hole for a day till I decided to try anything to get home, even if it meant to a) throw away money that I had already spent on the hotel and b) admit personal failure to the people at home. They said I shouldn't go on a vacation alone. It turns out that they were right, but not because I can't be alone or go on a vacation alone, it was a combination of many things. A series of unfortunate events, if you will.

Summary: I am afraid of my future. Like, "pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and hum a lullaby" afraid.

It seems like a mockery to see the light blue button down there that says "save now".

Save now? Yes, please. And hurry.

Lyrics of the day: Save me by Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit

For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me

Come on and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell

You know what it's like

The long farewell of the hunger strike

You struck me dumb like radium

Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me

C'mon and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cept the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

But the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone