Sunday, 31 January 2010

A way

It's a curious thing. For the duration of our lives, we are looking for ways. Right now, I'm looking for a way out. Out of this straight and (more importantly) narrow track that I'm on. I feel as if I don't have creative control anymore, can already see myself as a 40 y/o. Job. Title. Power. Whatever. I realize that many people are probably right now looking for a way in. Into all of these things that I seem to be afraid of or might even hate a little bit... I can't completely describe it, but something I need in life is possibilities. Potential. Fixed situations make me uneasy. I have the same feeling when I go on a date, I just think that by committing to somebody, I take away so much potential from my own life. Consequence of course is that I rarely date. Which let's face it doesn't really improve my situation drastically...

A way in, a way out. We spend our time looking for secret passageways, for transitions, for directions. We cannot get it into our heads that it's not important to know where we're going. It's really not. As long as your happy in your present and as long as you make life choices you're comfortable with, you basically can't go wrong. And even if you do, there's nothing to regret. Regret never results from making the wrong choice, it results from not choosing at all.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Chaos doesn't like company

Holy ink pen, Batman, I haven't blogged properly in a month. It's not for the lack of perturbations in my life, but I just haven't felt like blogging. It's a weird time for me. During the week I mainly work and during the weekend I mainly sleep. Take this Sunday, today, for example... The only thing I did was watch Pocahontas. Other than that, I slept and cooked. All of this wouldn't be half bad, but I have to get things done. I will move in a few months and still have to find an apartment. Also, I haven't been feeling tooooo well these last few weeks. Might just be an end-of-the-year mood swing, but lately I didn't feel quite like myself. What keeps me upright and through the day is the thought of some off-time and travelling during February and March if I can manage/afford it. My destinations would be London, Dublin, Thailand, Japan... a lot on my plate for 6-8 weeks ;) I don't know... we'll see.

The funny thing is that in February, Whataboutadam and Robotneurotic want to be in Japan as well, but like me they don't know yet if they will go or not. We just have to wait and see... till then I have to get at least 2 publications done if not 3 or 4 and I have to give a talk in the beginning of February at a meeting.

I have to be so grown-up in the world, be responsible, but to be honest, I feel like a child inside. Like running around in winter in the snow. Like lying on a meadow in summer looking at the clouds. Like spending a summer's day with my friends at the pool talking about everything and nothing... and yet everyone expects me to be respectable, responsible, do what's right. Build a career. Think about where I want to be in 5 years. Where I want to spend the next 5 years to get to that place... it's just not me. I'm chaos inside. Peaceful chaos. When I look inside myself, I see colours, I see sparks. I see foreign places and people. I see the world through a caleidoscope of imagination, rotating quietly and peacefully like a planet circling a star with incredible speed, but in an orderly fashion.

I don't know if I'm going down the right path, but what I know is this: For everything that I know and am, I am choosing the right path for now. The right decision made in this moment in time. Whether it will prove to be the right one in 6 months, I don't know, but I will never life a life I'm not comfortable with. If I realize in 6 months, in 1 year that the path is not right anymore, I will go. I will not look back, but simply go and choose another one. We only have one life, right?

(people have started to copy my sectioning of picture, text, lyrics, so I'll think of something else in the future. Always remember: The second something is trendy, it's time to let go.)