Thursday, 29 April 2010

You say good-bye and I say hello.

It's my last day of work. Good-bye old job, hello new one. I feel… elated. I thought I might be sad to let go, but again I surprise myself with my apparent lack of sentimentality. I don't know if I like my new job, or the pay, or the city, or or or… but what I do know is that I like the decision to go there - and really, that's all that matters. You never know what will happen, but as long as you're comfortable with your life choices, nothing can go too wrong.

So I sit at my desk, everything cleared up, only my laptop, cell phone, water bottle on it. I'm a little light-headed, but that's to be expected and that's ok. I simply have to wait till I finish my last meeting at 2, then cake at 2.30, then heading home to pack for a new life. If that's how moving on feels like, I should do it more often. I know that I always say "change is good for you", but there's a difference between saying it and living it. For the first time in over 4 years, I don't really know how next week will be like and what life has in store for me over the next months and perhaps years.

The sad thing is to leave my friends behind, but to be honest, I'll come home to visit and I've only seen them on the weekends in the last years anyway. The nice thing is that I'll be able to take my online friends with me (if I manage to pack my computer into my car. I'm still hopeful on that account!). I'll continue blogging and tweeting and basically you won't be able to judge that anything changes, but believe me - it will.

Monday, 12 April 2010

This is so not life at all...

There are days when everything seems just so surreal. It starts with your alarm clock ringing/playing Love Story by Taylor Swift and ends with the light of the sunset touching the cherry blossoms just right. And all in between feels like the musical demon from Buffy decided to visit your town for a day...

People tell you what they really think.
You sing and dance while walking through the world.
Nothing, no matter how bad, can really get you down.

I'd like to tell you that days like these happen frequently in my life, but they don't. They come around every few weeks and I try to enjoy them for as long as I can.

So it was one of those days and let me tell you, I had some fun milking it. If you open your eyes and look out for these days, you'll find that once you're in one, you can do whatever. Everything you do will turn out... interesting. It's not like Felix Felicis and everything will turn out golden, but you'll have stories to tell ;)

Well yes, science can be fun :)

The bottom line is this: if you open your eyes, you will see stories around you. Adventures. Don't try to delude yourself into thinking (your) life is boring, because it isn't. You just have to pay attention.

Now that you mention it, leaving your house sometimes helps.

Monday, 5 April 2010

A cake full of rainbows

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.