Friday, 31 July 2009

I'm in the spirit of...

Well actually I am in the holiday spirit. Not like Christmas, more like going away on vacation. I think I might be able to get 3 weeks off work and I can now allow myself to plan where I might be going :)

I received my diving license by mail today, so I can go diving. Or visit my sister in the ever-buzzing Berlin. Or go to the mountains for a little getaway to recharge... Or maybe I do all of these things? In my mind I am going to Mosambique for a diving vacation for the first week, then stay home for a week and do these things that I never have the time for... it's for example one of my guilty pleasures if I have a day off that I go downtown into a coffee bar with my laptop and a book and just sit there absorbing the atmosphere and write. Read. Talk. It's amazing how many interesting people you can meet if you're just ... well... there. I would like to get into a workout routine again. Maybe yoga, maybe some cardio in the mornings? These things that I never seem to have the energy to do when I'm working full time.
And for the last week I would like to go to the mountains. There is this absolutely gorgeous hotel that I have been wanting to try out for the longest time. They have libraries in the castle and grand pianos for practising etc. It's like a nerd's dream come true. Ok... they also have SPAs and you know that I'm a sucker for a good Thai-Yoga massage. Or Shiatsu.... hmmm....

Well that's what's on my mind. First I have to get some work done, throw a huge party and altogether be in about 17 places at once to do my work, but then... then... I might have a shot.

Btw... art has occupied my life again. Music, photography, writing... it's all there and I don't know where to start :D Right now (obviously) I'm writing, but I have my new camera and it takes phantastic photos. Or... well... I take the pictures, but I swear a baby could take great pics with that cam.

I have neglected you readers in the last weeks, but that's all over now. I hope to talk to you guys a lot more in the next couple of weeks/months and update you far more regularly :)

Life is complicated, but good. <3

Lyrics of the day: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk

Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us
More Than
Work is
Over [x2]

Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

I'm actually ok

These days, I'm actually ok. For the first time in quite a while, I look forward to working. To coming home. To doing things. I have taken up photography again. I'm reading, writing. I'm living again for the first time in so long. SO long.
I have the prospect of a 3 week holiday in a few weeks and hopefully some great vacations in there. I have (once again) realized that there are nice guys out there.
Most of them are straight though... but it's comforting to know that there are some nice ones, right?

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm actually ok with it. I haven't had a holiday week since Christmas, but it's not like I'm completely overworked... weird. I'm kind of growing into my life these days. It's a very interesting feeling. I'll try to keep you updated on my inadvertedly growing up. It's just happening :P

Lyrics of the day:

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

Thursday, 23 July 2009

The end (?) of an era

By now you know me a tiny bit and therefore you know that I like to ramble about unimportant things, but I don't say much about the big ones. Well, this is a big one and it calls for a tiny blog post. I graduated. I'm still working at my old job and I can stay there if I want to, but I have my degree and could leave if I wanted to :) (Good feeling ftw)

There, I just wanted to announce the end of whining about busy schedules and studying, revising, training etcpp. I'm done (and have more to do than ever before ;)

More interesting blog posts to arrive soon(ish). Promise.

Lyrics of the day: Tiger Mountain Peasant Song by Fleet Foxes

Wanderers this morning came by
Where did they go
Graceful in the morning light
To banner fair
To follow you softly
In the cold mountain air

Through the forest
Down to your grave
Where the birds wait
And the tall grasses wave
They do not
know you anymore

Dear shadow alive and well
How can the body die
You tell me everything
Anything true

In the town one morning I went
Staggering through premonitions of my death
I don't see anybody that dear to me

Dear shadow alive and well
How can the body die
You tell me everything
Anything true

I don't know what I have done
I'm turning myself to a demon
I don't know what I have done
I'm turning myself to a demon

Sunday, 12 July 2009

What we want.

Why are we too afraid to do the things we want to do? To try to get the things we want? To work hard enough to get to the things we want to be true in our lives?

I don't know. Probably because we are tired and afraid.

I, on the other hand, am tired and afraid NOT to try out for the things I want. I would like to do photography and I would like to write. I don't apologize for it. It might not be my job or profession now, but it will be. It will be...

Lyrics of the day: Dying by Five for Fighting

I'm Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again
I'm Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived
There's a shade come over this heart that's coping with laying down to rest
I'm Dying to live without you again

I'm Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm Dying to live without you again

The first time you left I said goodbye
Now there's not a prayer that can survive

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again
Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said
It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath...

I'm Dying and I can't live without you
I'm Dying and I can't live without you again

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Do you care?

When I was young... well more precisely when I was a little kid, I definitely cared too much. I cared about others, I cared for my family, I basically cared. Full stop. Just cared. I was a sensitive kid, but mostly a happy one. I was different from the start, but that didn't really bother me. I got picked on quite a lot, laughed at quite a few times, but I didn't care ;)

I could read and write when I was 3, read books to my friends in kindergarten, got special lessons when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. I could have skipped grade 2 and 6, but my parents gave my the choice and I stayed with my friends. Good decision or bad?

I don't really know, but it doesn't matter. I would be more refined intellectually, but I would probably be even more screwed up emotionally, so in the end I guess my decision was the right one. Back to topic.

I got older and I learned to stop caring about everything. It was just too much to deal with so I detached myself as far as possible. However, after a while I realized that I didn't care much about the good stuff either. I felt numb and probably like some people feel on Lithium. Not able to feel happy or sad. That had to stop, so I gradually eased back into caring, feeling.

I'm a bit fucked up now, because I can't really allow myself to feel/care when I'm interacting with people, but I almost tear up when I read about an accident in the paper or see something on TV. I can feel for characters in the movies, but I struggle to care for my friends sometimes. I don't know if others have this problem, but for me it's a bit of a vicious circle, because I don't really "talk" to others. About the important stuff at least. It has been a long long time since I really talked about how I feel with someone and I have only talked to people a few times in my life. I'm afraid to open up and to trust I guess. Trust issues are really high up on my list of things to work through with a potential therapist :)

Bottom line is this. I care. I care about animals and their dwindling habitats, I care about life, about peace. I care about Iran and about the political situation in all countries. I care about everyone, but in a strange way, I also care about noone. I don't care what people think of me. I don't know my neighbours' names. I don't care about riches and fame.

I don't even care about my job. Which is a whole new level of f-ed up if you ask me, because how am I supposed to do a good job, when I don't really care. Mind you, I do a pretty good job as it is (not caring), but sometimes I get a faint glimmer of an idea of how good my mind actually works and how well I could do a job that I cared about.

This is actually keeping me up at night.

I hope you're not kept up at night or if you are, I hope it's because of something far more pleasant. Take care.

Lyrics of the day: That's how I knew this story would break my heart by Aimee Mann

I drew a picture of you
You and your anchor tattoo
And saw the face that I knew
Covered in shame
You drew a bird that was here
A kind of sweet chanticleer
But with a terrible fear
That the cage couldn't tame

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart

So, like a ghost in the snow
I'm getting ready to go
'Cause baby, that's all I know –
How to open the door
And though the exit is crude
It saves me coming unglued
For when you're not in the mood
For the gloves and the canvas floor

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart