Thursday, 12 August 2010


I read an article today (ok, on wikipedia, but still) about Shakespeare's sonnet #20, which I love. I admit though, I have never even tried to analyze it. Now there's this whole page about the "playful duality" of the poem. About male and female jambi, about phallic poem shapes (really? I mean... really?) and what not.

I don't really know how I feel about analyzing art. If you need to read a book to understand a painting, it doesn't really serve its purpose and if you need to attend a class to understand a piece of music, it probably doesn't reach you in the right places.

Having said that, there are some pieces of art that get more intense if you know the meaning behind it. Know what the artist wanted to show you, tell you, make you understand.

However, I read many many years ago in a book about Zen (of which I've read too many, I admit) that true art is the transparency to transcendency. Meaning that true art can catapult your soul into a state that you can connect to the higher energies of the universe and understand something about the piece, but more importantly, understand something about life and about yourself.

There are many pieces of art that I consider true art, but there are also many pieces I can't connect to at all. That's totally fine though, because maybe there's a person out there who can and they will be the better for it.

A woman's face with nature's own hand painted,
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion:
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue all hues in his controlling,
Which steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010


Today, I would like to write about stereotypes. Btw, there's not really a good German word for stereotype.

If I look at myself, I am a lot of things. Many of which would be considered stereotypical.

I am a nerd.
Meaning, I love books more than some people. I am a scientist. I can explain to you the differences between plants and fungi. I am happy when I can stay inside for a few days to catch up on my reading.

I am gay.
Meaning, I love nice clothes. I adore musical theater, Glee, rainbows, double rainbows, Jake Gyllenhaal.

I am a child.
Meaning, I am a Disney fan, I love Pixar and Ghibli. I have difficulties seeing people as sexual beings and not just as people.

I am an old man.
Meaning, I can quote poems of Rilke, Shakespeare, Goethe, Dickinson by heart. I sometimes think the world is too loud. I don't understand what people around me mean when they are talking.

I am German.
Meaning, I am punctual. I like it when things are in order. I have a thing for desserts.

I am European.
Meaning, I have to shake my head when I see an American city celebrate it's 100th birthday when the village I grew up in is way way over a thousand years old. I have no problem with nudity, be it in film or elsewhere. I don't see my religion as my life's purpose. I love it that there is a plethora of countries at my fingertips, each with different languages, views, foods, cultures that I can experience.

I am a man.
Meaning, I love watching action movies. I can be very easily distracted by something I see. I am almost unable to talk about my feelings, nay to talk at all ;) I am worried about losing my hair some time in the future.

I am many many more things. Each can be attributed to a stereotype. But does that mean I'm stereotypical? We all have facets of stereotypes in our character line-up, but as long as we don't artificially stress and enhance these features, but rather let them go and grow and jump over other features that overshadow them now and again, we can all just be unique and not worry about stereotypes or about what people think of us. In which box people want to put us...

Monday, 9 August 2010


So what happened today... oh yes, I spent too much time on an examination table at the enterologist's. But let's face it, every second on a table like that is too much time.

To nicer topics: my parents are visiting...

Oook... to nicer topics. True Blood is amazing. I mean, it's not that it has the best story line ever told or the best actors ever to grace the screen, but it's so non-apologetic, which is something I love in everything. People, TV shows, music... just doing your thing no matter what. TB mixes gore and violence with emotions and sex and swirls it around in a big bowl of mystery, sets all up in the south where apparently everyone is always sweating and swearing and firing guns at each other - it's glorious. Simply marvelous. It's wonderful.

I think one of the reasons why TB is so successful is because it doesn't really care about the audience. They want to kill someone off, they will. They want to tear some character down till you don't like them no mo', they will. And they will for sure cut a bitch.

It's something I loved about Six Feet Under (which was one of the best shows ever to grace TV, but in the end got so near to real life, it scared me) and it's something I love about TB.

It's like the Lucifer to Glee. Glee goes for it, but stays clean and fresh, TB goes for it and gets down and dirty. Both have their admirers. And I love them both, which leaves me to wonder...

What does that say about me and religion?

Anyway, I have rambled enough, my parents are already looking at me funny, because I keep typing and typing. See you guys tomorrow and take care.

Sunday, 8 August 2010


What can I say about this day? Well I could say a lot of things. Like for example that I saw Zombieland, L'auberge éspanol 1 & 2 and am a bit anxious concerning tomorrow's doctor's appointment.

What I will say instead is this:

We are all human beings. We have flaws. We have merits. And the fact that the song "No Surprises" by Radiohead is one of the most beautiful songs ever written should indeed be no surprise.

I would like to write much, much more, but my thoughts are swirling in my head and I need to lay back, relax and watch them like the Hubble telescope watches swirling galaxies from far, far away and try to judge from the colour and pattern how it must feel to be inside them.

Saturday, 7 August 2010


Oops, I did it again. I "forgot" to blog. Sorry. My life can be a bit turbulent at times and it might happen that I don't have the time and/or energy to blog.

I'm here now... the thing is that I'm home this weekend, because I have a doctor's appointment on Monday in my home town. So I'm home and watch the parents go crazier and crazier every time I leave. They re-arrange, re-paint, re-do everything. I come home to find out they had an excavator come by to bulldoze the front yard in front of my window. Great. It's now a plain field of earth with exactly 3 big stones in it. Pretty. Thank you. It's not that I loved the mountain ash that stood in front of my window for a few decades -.- Parents, I tell you... nothing but trouble.

Tonight I'll go to the celebration of a wedding of one of my friends. The wedding itself was last December, but the celebration is now, because they didn't have any money before that. Money... always an issue. It's ridiculous. Several of my colleagues are pondering getting second jobs at a supermarket or something like that in the evenings and on weekends to get by. That shouldn't be necessary in my opinion, but the pay is actually not great (euphemism of the week). But there you go, you pick a job and you have to live with the payment. I could have been a medical professional, but I'm not, so it's my fault, right? Right? Oh I don't know.

Today, I ordered frames for several of my photographs that will look beautiful in my apartment (the walls are frighteningly white right now). I already see it coming. Once my apartment is finished I'll have a new job and have to move...

Anyway, I can already smell the fresh garlic so dinner is almost ready. See you guys tomorrow! Promise.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010


I saw Inception today. An exceptionally good film by all measures. I have to admit though that it didn't reach me emotionally, but rather intellectually, which is fine. A truly great movie, for my taste, makes me feel and not just think, but that's probably just me.

I had among other things a 3h meeting today where I had to present some data etc and I'm really tired, so please excuse this short blog. More tomorrow.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010


Let's talk about how this picture came to be.

This picture has been taken by me on a Saturday morning a few weeks ago. It's a picture of the inner harbor of my city with water so clean you can swim in it.

On the Friday before, a few colleagues of mine said they wanted to go out, explore the city. The weather was beautiful. A hot, dry summer's day and you already knew the night would be the same. I went with it and said I'd meet them down by the lake. Once down there, I didn't see anyone. Well... that's not completely true, I saw about 1000 other people, but not my friends. After a phone call I knew why, the meeting had been postponed for about an hour. Great. I went back home by bike and didn't feel like going out again.

When I came home, a very good friend of the family called me. I had pestered my parents for a while to call her, because I always loved her and she had been very sick the last few years. So after she heard how I had my parents call her to check up, she was moved and called me to chat. It was quite lovely, she's an amazing woman, an artist doing ceramics.

Anyway, I decided to try again to meet my friends at this place here:

We sat there and talked for a while, then went to a Biergarten and from there to a pub/club. This portion of the evening I'll leave out, because the best thing to be said about the club was that they played the Spice Girls, while the worst was that they played the Backstreet Boys. Twice. Oh yes.

Anyway, by then it was about 1-2am and a few of us (me and 2 friends) went to go looking for a club we've heard of. I had had a little bit to drink and felt a bit spinny... so after biking through the city we found the club. It was an industrial hall with the sound of minimal techno busting through the air. It was glorious (mainly because I had my ear plugs with me). We danced for a few hours and then decided to go home when the sun started to come up and shine through the broken down façade of the building we were in. So we started our journey back. Saturday morning, about 6am, sun is rising... it's really warm and we bike through the town only inhabited by people too awake to go home.

Then I took this picture.

So now you know.

If you want my advice, do something irresponsible once in a while. Something crazy. Go to broken down clubs. Stay up all night. Watch the sun rise with friends. Be young, no matter how old you are.

If you read till here, I adore you.

Monday, 2 August 2010


I'm not really feeling like writing, but I've learned that this is exactly the time you should do it. The pic I took in Japan summarizes my current state perfectly and concisely. I am closed up.

I am at a point where I would love to work 24h a day simply to clear my desk a little bit, but unfortunately I'm not build to sustain a 24h/day work life. I'm not. I'm inherently lazy and I have no problem admitting that. It should get better in a few weeks. Should. Well, let's hope so. And a little bit less rain so I could continue running in the evenings would be grand as well ;) See... the one time I'm not lazy and buy running shoes to get in shape - the weather decides that summer is over. I still have hope though.

I should just find a job I can do from home, my apartment gets nicer by the minute. Seriously, the book shelf / room divider I got delivered today is simply gorgeous. I don't want to leave my apartment anymore ;) Let's all sing together Mr. Kweller's hymn to nerds "My apartment".

On a more serious note, I don't know if other people have to work so hard at not slipping into gloomy periods. I have been working my butt off in that department for 20 years and I'm getting tired. I love life and I love being who I am, but the thought of things slipping by me, because I don't have the time to do them (*cough* VidCon *cough*) kills me. I know that we all have to do our part, have a job, be a productive member of society... but can't you make an exception with me? I promise I won't tell anyone that the world gives me money so I can travel the world :)

I just don't know. I always imagine that one day I find a job that fits me like a glove. Hasn't really happened yet, but I'll keep searching and keep you updated.

Take care.

Sunday, 1 August 2010


What a week this has been, what a rare mood I'm in, well it's almost like being...

...totally f-ed.

See how I mixed and matched those two lyrics? Genius, ain't I. So this week has been mostly awful and I rarely say that. There's good in everyone and everything, but this week I had to look for it. I won't bore you with the details, but it involved among other things an unpleasant visit at the doctor's office and a really brutal car crash. Just to be clear, I was involved in both.

But let's start this BEDA off with some positive vibes. I did BEDA last year (2009) and I really enjoyed it. Of course, back then I had some BEDA buddies, but my faithful blog readers will suffice this time ;) There's something meditative about the way BEDA forces you to sit down at the end of each day and reflect on what you've done, what you thought about, who you met etc. It helps you get your life into perspective.

Oh yes, the positive vibes... let's see. I already got the pictures for my wall of photos, but still have to order the frames (Project milestone - check.). I might be involved in a very interesting project at work if I play my cards right. Which would be great, because these days I'm drowning in desk work without any real connection to my real work.

Yesterday, I went to my school reunion (10 years, good heavens) and it was rather pleasant. A good friend of mine said something along the lines of "I still see the people I like and if I haven't seen someone for 5 years there's a reason for that" and I partly agree with that. I still see many of my school friends on a regular basis, but still it's nice to catch up with people that moved away, married, had children, and children, and children, got divorced... I kid you not, all that happened to these people in the last years. I thought that I might feel a bit odd being out and gay and single and everything, but it wasn't awkward at all. If anything, some seemed to be jealous when I said that I like my new town but who knows where I'll be in a year. Could be Copenhagen, could be New York or Berlin. I'm open to everything.

People don't really change that much after you leave school. They get older, balder, fatter, whatever, but really they are still the same people. I feel like I change all the time. I never wake up the same person and that's one of the things I love about myself. Sure, I have traits that are constant, but everything else is like a shimmer of rainbow light :P My interests, what I do, projects, who I meet, I sometimes feel like the ADD poster hummingbird.

Every time I visit home, I realize that I miss it. "I miss the mountains" would be appropriate song lyrics here, even though they are only hills. But even if I miss my home, I appreciate being away. Seeing new things, new streets... new people. In the end, it's always about the people.

Like John Green said a few days ago. We're all the same. We're just some people looking desperately for a way to make a connection to other people.

After this rather profound statement I leave you with the best wishes for August and may it be full of BEDAs, even if Maureen Johnson, the BEDA queen herself, has announced not to take part due to reasons only she knows. Which is sad, because I love her blog immensely. Go check it out here.

Friday, 23 July 2010

A church is (not) just a house.

I was on a conference the other day in Cologne and went into the dome for a minute or two (mainly to escape the sweltering heat) and immediately regretted not to have brought my camera. Well, my cell phone had to make do. I love being in churches. So serene. Calm. Cool. Quiet. Full of light and shadows. Candles that you light for the people in your life that need some light and some hope...

In the last few months I have developed utter spite for the catholic church and the way they handled the scandals surrounding (invading) them and I thought several times about leaving the church altogether. It has not come that far, even though I have no connection with the religious side of my religion. I do have, however, a deep connection with my church on a historical level. On a level of memories, of connection with my parents and with important times in my life that were marked with some kind of catholic ritual.

These days, I only attend church either at funerals or at weddings and I loathe it both times. Being in a church on my own, however, fills me with a deep peace and sense of belonging that is hard to come by. Maybe in a gay club at 4am when all are dancing to the same beat and we all know that we're basically the same... maybe then.

The catholic church and gay culture have shockingly many things in common (and I'm not only talking about men in dresses that surround themselves with guys too young for them).

This blog post did not go where I intended it to go...

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Are we there yet?

It's a simple question, really. Are we there yet? Or differently put: When will it be enough?

I'm here in this beautiful city, in my nearly perfect apartment, the light of the sunset is falling through my floor-length windows, I got a raise in my job, can do whatever I want. I can come and leave when I want, have people to do my bidding. My boss thinks I'm his go-to guy and thinks the world of me (even though he silently suspects I'm a bit lazy). My job ultimately helps people with uncurable disorders, I'm on a steep career track.

Still... I want... something else? something different? something... more? Something that will lighten up my life, something to brighten my nights. Something that I can't stop smiling when I think about it.

The fact of the matter is this: I know I can do something amazing with my life. What I don't know is if what I'm doing right now is this amazing thing. And it's killing me.

Friday, 21 May 2010

I'm here

So the moving went smoothly... well... as smoothly as moving can be ;) My new city is absolutely gorgeous. The weather has been wonderful and people are just lying on blankets in the parks and under the trees... the trees! let me tell you, this city if full of trees and who wouldn't love that. My work is going ok so far, a few bumps in the road but overall I'm doing fine. And the moving alone and on my own? I really like it. Sure, I have to do shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills and rent and whatever, but it's not really that bad. I go to work by bike and enjoy the fresh air and the parks (gosh, I sound so cheesy right now).

What's missing so far is... some company. In a few weeks some of my colleagues from back home will move here to work with me so I'll know a few people then, but for now I'm pretty much on my own. Now if you know me (and by now you probably know me a little bit) I can be happy all by my lonesome :) but I installed a very.... interesting (?) app a few days ago. Oh, the wonders of technology. It's called "Grindr" and determines your position by GPS, then lists guys in your vicinity that want to a)meet b)talk c)hook up d)all of the above.
I was a bit hesitant, but thought I pretty much couldn't lose anything (but my dignity... oh who are we kidding... ;). So I'm online and I see a cute guy that is located.... 0m from me. I still think my GPS is a bit funky, because... he's not in my apartment and I don't think he lives above or below me, but still very near. We talked a bit and he seems kinda nice... you can't really tell after a few messages. We'll skype soon.

I still think it's so weird that I have been basically shut off from the world for so long and now I live here and *bam* meet someone. I mean, it'll probably lead to nothing, but still it's a contact.

0m away from me.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

You say good-bye and I say hello.

It's my last day of work. Good-bye old job, hello new one. I feel… elated. I thought I might be sad to let go, but again I surprise myself with my apparent lack of sentimentality. I don't know if I like my new job, or the pay, or the city, or or or… but what I do know is that I like the decision to go there - and really, that's all that matters. You never know what will happen, but as long as you're comfortable with your life choices, nothing can go too wrong.

So I sit at my desk, everything cleared up, only my laptop, cell phone, water bottle on it. I'm a little light-headed, but that's to be expected and that's ok. I simply have to wait till I finish my last meeting at 2, then cake at 2.30, then heading home to pack for a new life. If that's how moving on feels like, I should do it more often. I know that I always say "change is good for you", but there's a difference between saying it and living it. For the first time in over 4 years, I don't really know how next week will be like and what life has in store for me over the next months and perhaps years.

The sad thing is to leave my friends behind, but to be honest, I'll come home to visit and I've only seen them on the weekends in the last years anyway. The nice thing is that I'll be able to take my online friends with me (if I manage to pack my computer into my car. I'm still hopeful on that account!). I'll continue blogging and tweeting and basically you won't be able to judge that anything changes, but believe me - it will.

Monday, 12 April 2010

This is so not life at all...

There are days when everything seems just so surreal. It starts with your alarm clock ringing/playing Love Story by Taylor Swift and ends with the light of the sunset touching the cherry blossoms just right. And all in between feels like the musical demon from Buffy decided to visit your town for a day...

People tell you what they really think.
You sing and dance while walking through the world.
Nothing, no matter how bad, can really get you down.

I'd like to tell you that days like these happen frequently in my life, but they don't. They come around every few weeks and I try to enjoy them for as long as I can.

So it was one of those days and let me tell you, I had some fun milking it. If you open your eyes and look out for these days, you'll find that once you're in one, you can do whatever. Everything you do will turn out... interesting. It's not like Felix Felicis and everything will turn out golden, but you'll have stories to tell ;)

Well yes, science can be fun :)

The bottom line is this: if you open your eyes, you will see stories around you. Adventures. Don't try to delude yourself into thinking (your) life is boring, because it isn't. You just have to pay attention.

Now that you mention it, leaving your house sometimes helps.

Monday, 5 April 2010

A cake full of rainbows

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Light and Shadow

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.
The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)

Sunday, 31 January 2010

A way

It's a curious thing. For the duration of our lives, we are looking for ways. Right now, I'm looking for a way out. Out of this straight and (more importantly) narrow track that I'm on. I feel as if I don't have creative control anymore, can already see myself as a 40 y/o. Job. Title. Power. Whatever. I realize that many people are probably right now looking for a way in. Into all of these things that I seem to be afraid of or might even hate a little bit... I can't completely describe it, but something I need in life is possibilities. Potential. Fixed situations make me uneasy. I have the same feeling when I go on a date, I just think that by committing to somebody, I take away so much potential from my own life. Consequence of course is that I rarely date. Which let's face it doesn't really improve my situation drastically...

A way in, a way out. We spend our time looking for secret passageways, for transitions, for directions. We cannot get it into our heads that it's not important to know where we're going. It's really not. As long as your happy in your present and as long as you make life choices you're comfortable with, you basically can't go wrong. And even if you do, there's nothing to regret. Regret never results from making the wrong choice, it results from not choosing at all.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Chaos doesn't like company

Holy ink pen, Batman, I haven't blogged properly in a month. It's not for the lack of perturbations in my life, but I just haven't felt like blogging. It's a weird time for me. During the week I mainly work and during the weekend I mainly sleep. Take this Sunday, today, for example... The only thing I did was watch Pocahontas. Other than that, I slept and cooked. All of this wouldn't be half bad, but I have to get things done. I will move in a few months and still have to find an apartment. Also, I haven't been feeling tooooo well these last few weeks. Might just be an end-of-the-year mood swing, but lately I didn't feel quite like myself. What keeps me upright and through the day is the thought of some off-time and travelling during February and March if I can manage/afford it. My destinations would be London, Dublin, Thailand, Japan... a lot on my plate for 6-8 weeks ;) I don't know... we'll see.

The funny thing is that in February, Whataboutadam and Robotneurotic want to be in Japan as well, but like me they don't know yet if they will go or not. We just have to wait and see... till then I have to get at least 2 publications done if not 3 or 4 and I have to give a talk in the beginning of February at a meeting.

I have to be so grown-up in the world, be responsible, but to be honest, I feel like a child inside. Like running around in winter in the snow. Like lying on a meadow in summer looking at the clouds. Like spending a summer's day with my friends at the pool talking about everything and nothing... and yet everyone expects me to be respectable, responsible, do what's right. Build a career. Think about where I want to be in 5 years. Where I want to spend the next 5 years to get to that place... it's just not me. I'm chaos inside. Peaceful chaos. When I look inside myself, I see colours, I see sparks. I see foreign places and people. I see the world through a caleidoscope of imagination, rotating quietly and peacefully like a planet circling a star with incredible speed, but in an orderly fashion.

I don't know if I'm going down the right path, but what I know is this: For everything that I know and am, I am choosing the right path for now. The right decision made in this moment in time. Whether it will prove to be the right one in 6 months, I don't know, but I will never life a life I'm not comfortable with. If I realize in 6 months, in 1 year that the path is not right anymore, I will go. I will not look back, but simply go and choose another one. We only have one life, right?

(people have started to copy my sectioning of picture, text, lyrics, so I'll think of something else in the future. Always remember: The second something is trendy, it's time to let go.)