Sunday, 14 March 2010

Light and Shadow

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.
The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)