A cake full of rainbows

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.

Light and Shadow

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.

The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)

A way

It's a curious thing. For the duration of our lives, we are looking for ways. Right now, I'm looking for a way out. Out of this straight and (more importantly) narrow track that I'm on. I feel as if I don't have creative control anymore, can already see myself as a 40 y/o. Job. Title. Power. Whatever. I realize that many people are probably right now looking for a way in. Into all of these things that I seem to be afraid of or might even hate a little bit... I can't completely describe it, but something I need in life is possibilities. Potential. Fixed situations make me uneasy. I have the same feeling when I go on a date, I just think that by committing to somebody, I take away so much potential from my own life. Consequence of course is that I rarely date. Which let's face it doesn't really improve my situation drastically...

A way in, a way out. We spend our time looking for secret passageways, for transitions, for directions. We cannot get it into our heads that it's not important to know where we're going. It's really not. As long as your happy in your present and as long as you make life choices you're comfortable with, you basically can't go wrong. And even if you do, there's nothing to regret. Regret never results from making the wrong choice, it results from not choosing at all.

Chaos doesn't like company

Holy ink pen, Batman, I haven't blogged properly in a month. It's not for the lack of perturbations in my life, but I just haven't felt like blogging. It's a weird time for me. During the week I mainly work and during the weekend I mainly sleep. Take this Sunday, today, for example... The only thing I did was watch Pocahontas. Other than that, I slept and cooked. All of this wouldn't be half bad, but I have to get things done. I will move in a few months and still have to find an apartment. Also, I haven't been feeling tooooo well these last few weeks. Might just be an end-of-the-year mood swing, but lately I didn't feel quite like myself. What keeps me upright and through the day is the thought of some off-time and travelling during February and March if I can manage/afford it. My destinations would be London, Dublin, Thailand, Japan... a lot on my plate for 6-8 weeks ;) I don't know... we'll see.

The funny thing is that in February, Whataboutadam and Robotneurotic want to be in Japan as well, but like me they don't know yet if they will go or not. We just have to wait and see... till then I have to get at least 2 publications done if not 3 or 4 and I have to give a talk in the beginning of February at a meeting.

I have to be so grown-up in the world, be responsible, but to be honest, I feel like a child inside. Like running around in winter in the snow. Like lying on a meadow in summer looking at the clouds. Like spending a summer's day with my friends at the pool talking about everything and nothing... and yet everyone expects me to be respectable, responsible, do what's right. Build a career. Think about where I want to be in 5 years. Where I want to spend the next 5 years to get to that place... it's just not me. I'm chaos inside. Peaceful chaos. When I look inside myself, I see colours, I see sparks. I see foreign places and people. I see the world through a caleidoscope of imagination, rotating quietly and peacefully like a planet circling a star with incredible speed, but in an orderly fashion.

I don't know if I'm going down the right path, but what I know is this: For everything that I know and am, I am choosing the right path for now. The right decision made in this moment in time. Whether it will prove to be the right one in 6 months, I don't know, but I will never life a life I'm not comfortable with. If I realize in 6 months, in 1 year that the path is not right anymore, I will go. I will not look back, but simply go and choose another one. We only have one life, right?

(people have started to copy my sectioning of picture, text, lyrics, so I'll think of something else in the future. Always remember: The second something is trendy, it's time to let go.)

A change of pace

Today, in the light of the failed NY senate bill, a passage from the Bible (yes, you read correctly).

The Supremacy of Love

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself, but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Freedom

We all have different views on different subjects. We all think differently. We are only united in our search of likeness in others. We are searching for people that are similar to us in appearance, in ability, in taste, in something... to connect.

I wrote in an early blog that we like others because we are similar, but love them because we are different. Just the same as we like someone because of their virtues, but love them because of their flaws.

This is basically the same thing... we all want freedom, but freedom means something different for each and everyone of us. For some it might be a big number on their bank account, being their own boss, living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, ... but in the end it all comes down to this.

Freedom is the possibility of being yourself without the fear of repercussions.

Doing what you love without the fear of being judged.

Saying what you feel without the fear of being laughed at.

Loving who you feel like loving without the fear of getting beaten up or killed or discriminated against.

Freedom exists where we conquer our fears. So let's all start there. Sit on your bed. Quiet. Listening to the world. Close your eyes. Look inside yourself and ask... what are you afraid of? It might take a while, but you will find many things you fear... and when you know what you fear, start somewhere small.

Tell someone on the street that you love their outfit if you're afraid of voicing your opinion.

Go outside and take pictures if you're afraid of others judging what you do.

Go to the movies alone if you're afraid of people pitying you.

Start with the little things and work your way up to the big ones.

Telling your friends you love them for who they are.

Asking the cute guy in the office our for a cup of coffee.

Telling your boss you want more responsibility.

Ask in your local gallery if they might be interested to display one or two of your photos.

Life is too short for fear.

The picture above is the view from my bedroom window. If I see this, my fear just goes away. Find your strength, I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Lyrics of the day: The Fear by Lily Allen

I wanna be rich, and I want lots of money

I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds

I heard people die while they're trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off, and it will be shameless

'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

It's all about fast cars and cussing each other

But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm packing plastic

And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption

And it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition

'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission

Now I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Time for some stories

I have always felt that the stories behind the story are the important ones. The interesting ones. Most of the time we only see the facade of life. We see the masks and the stories people want us to see. We hear what they are telling us. But these are not the stories that are true and immediate, those aren't told in the front of the shop.

TV gives us a peak at the real stories sometimes. In some TV shows you have a plot that entertains you throughout an episode, but in fact it's the interaction between the protagonists that keeps you watching, that keeps you interested and involved. I could name several shows where this is the case but I don't want to put pictures in your head or labels on your mind. Just imagine the interaction between collegues, between family members that transcende episodes, that are the core of a show. That is the reason why in some cases TV can be better than movies (as strange as that might sound). But only on TV (and maybe in the greatest of movies) we can grow with a character, we can get accustomed to seeing them like friends, like family.

In our digital age, the relationship between us and our favourite characters has in some places replaced our real life, which is sad, but it shows you that it doesn't matter which case is solved in CSI, Bones, Mentalist, Supernatural, but it does matter what's behind the picture.

In life, it's the same. While it might be interesting and entertaining what people tell you, it's who they are in relation to you what makes it relevant. Makes it matter. If someone tells you a story about their late grandfather who baked a killer cake, it doesn't really matter to you. You didn't know the grandfather, you never tasted the cake. What does matter, however, is that it tells you something about the person telling you the story. It gives you background, depth. It helps you understand. This is why stories matter. Not because of the apparent content, but because of what stories tell you about the people and their relations involved. Weird, isn't it? To realize that life is just a canvas with a pretty picture that stands in your view and blocks it. Hinders you. Doesn't let you see the real picture unless you dig in deep. Try.

Do me a favour. Try. Next time when you hear a story, try to see the meaning behind it. Don't listen to gossip, listen to the voice, the person telling you gossip. What do you see? What does it tell you? It might take some practice, but you might be able, in time, to see the life behind the veil. Have fun. And be scared, because life might change for you.

Lyrics of the day: Life is a Song by Patrick Park

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean

Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past

There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week

And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing

And polverize and derrange all your senses

Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along

Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free

In a dark and storming sea

You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast

You say that you know that the good Lord's in control

He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul

But at the end of the day when every price has been paid

You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold

And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die

You'll die like you're afraid to go

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From chains and shackles that they're in

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep

You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet

And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall

Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all