You say good-bye and I say hello.

It's my last day of work. Good-bye old job, hello new one. I feel… elated. I thought I might be sad to let go, but again I surprise myself with my apparent lack of sentimentality. I don't know if I like my new job, or the pay, or the city, or or or… but what I do know is that I like the decision to go there - and really, that's all that matters. You never know what will happen, but as long as you're comfortable with your life choices, nothing can go too wrong.

So I sit at my desk, everything cleared up, only my laptop, cell phone, water bottle on it. I'm a little light-headed, but that's to be expected and that's ok. I simply have to wait till I finish my last meeting at 2, then cake at 2.30, then heading home to pack for a new life. If that's how moving on feels like, I should do it more often. I know that I always say "change is good for you", but there's a difference between saying it and living it. For the first time in over 4 years, I don't really know how next week will be like and what life has in store for me over the next months and perhaps years.

The sad thing is to leave my friends behind, but to be honest, I'll come home to visit and I've only seen them on the weekends in the last years anyway. The nice thing is that I'll be able to take my online friends with me (if I manage to pack my computer into my car. I'm still hopeful on that account!). I'll continue blogging and tweeting and basically you won't be able to judge that anything changes, but believe me - it will.

This is so not life at all...

There are days when everything seems just so surreal. It starts with your alarm clock ringing/playing Love Story by Taylor Swift and ends with the light of the sunset touching the cherry blossoms just right. And all in between feels like the musical demon from Buffy decided to visit your town for a day...

People tell you what they really think.

You sing and dance while walking through the world.

Nothing, no matter how bad, can really get you down.

I'd like to tell you that days like these happen frequently in my life, but they don't. They come around every few weeks and I try to enjoy them for as long as I can.

So it was one of those days and let me tell you, I had some fun milking it. If you open your eyes and look out for these days, you'll find that once you're in one, you can do whatever. Everything you do will turn out... interesting. It's not like Felix Felicis and everything will turn out golden, but you'll have stories to tell ;)

Well yes, science can be fun :)

The bottom line is this: if you open your eyes, you will see stories around you. Adventures. Don't try to delude yourself into thinking (your) life is boring, because it isn't. You just have to pay attention.

Now that you mention it, leaving your house sometimes helps.

A cake full of rainbows

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.

Light and Shadow

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.

The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)

A way

It's a curious thing. For the duration of our lives, we are looking for ways. Right now, I'm looking for a way out. Out of this straight and (more importantly) narrow track that I'm on. I feel as if I don't have creative control anymore, can already see myself as a 40 y/o. Job. Title. Power. Whatever. I realize that many people are probably right now looking for a way in. Into all of these things that I seem to be afraid of or might even hate a little bit... I can't completely describe it, but something I need in life is possibilities. Potential. Fixed situations make me uneasy. I have the same feeling when I go on a date, I just think that by committing to somebody, I take away so much potential from my own life. Consequence of course is that I rarely date. Which let's face it doesn't really improve my situation drastically...

A way in, a way out. We spend our time looking for secret passageways, for transitions, for directions. We cannot get it into our heads that it's not important to know where we're going. It's really not. As long as your happy in your present and as long as you make life choices you're comfortable with, you basically can't go wrong. And even if you do, there's nothing to regret. Regret never results from making the wrong choice, it results from not choosing at all.

Chaos doesn't like company

Holy ink pen, Batman, I haven't blogged properly in a month. It's not for the lack of perturbations in my life, but I just haven't felt like blogging. It's a weird time for me. During the week I mainly work and during the weekend I mainly sleep. Take this Sunday, today, for example... The only thing I did was watch Pocahontas. Other than that, I slept and cooked. All of this wouldn't be half bad, but I have to get things done. I will move in a few months and still have to find an apartment. Also, I haven't been feeling tooooo well these last few weeks. Might just be an end-of-the-year mood swing, but lately I didn't feel quite like myself. What keeps me upright and through the day is the thought of some off-time and travelling during February and March if I can manage/afford it. My destinations would be London, Dublin, Thailand, Japan... a lot on my plate for 6-8 weeks ;) I don't know... we'll see.

The funny thing is that in February, Whataboutadam and Robotneurotic want to be in Japan as well, but like me they don't know yet if they will go or not. We just have to wait and see... till then I have to get at least 2 publications done if not 3 or 4 and I have to give a talk in the beginning of February at a meeting.

I have to be so grown-up in the world, be responsible, but to be honest, I feel like a child inside. Like running around in winter in the snow. Like lying on a meadow in summer looking at the clouds. Like spending a summer's day with my friends at the pool talking about everything and nothing... and yet everyone expects me to be respectable, responsible, do what's right. Build a career. Think about where I want to be in 5 years. Where I want to spend the next 5 years to get to that place... it's just not me. I'm chaos inside. Peaceful chaos. When I look inside myself, I see colours, I see sparks. I see foreign places and people. I see the world through a caleidoscope of imagination, rotating quietly and peacefully like a planet circling a star with incredible speed, but in an orderly fashion.

I don't know if I'm going down the right path, but what I know is this: For everything that I know and am, I am choosing the right path for now. The right decision made in this moment in time. Whether it will prove to be the right one in 6 months, I don't know, but I will never life a life I'm not comfortable with. If I realize in 6 months, in 1 year that the path is not right anymore, I will go. I will not look back, but simply go and choose another one. We only have one life, right?

(people have started to copy my sectioning of picture, text, lyrics, so I'll think of something else in the future. Always remember: The second something is trendy, it's time to let go.)

A change of pace

Today, in the light of the failed NY senate bill, a passage from the Bible (yes, you read correctly).

The Supremacy of Love

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself, but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.