A church is (not) just a house.

I was on a conference the other day in Cologne and went into the dome for a minute or two (mainly to escape the sweltering heat) and immediately regretted not to have brought my camera. Well, my cell phone had to make do. I love being in churches. So serene. Calm. Cool. Quiet. Full of light and shadows. Candles that you light for the people in your life that need some light and some hope...

In the last few months I have developed utter spite for the catholic church and the way they handled the scandals surrounding (invading) them and I thought several times about leaving the church altogether. It has not come that far, even though I have no connection with the religious side of my religion. I do have, however, a deep connection with my church on a historical level. On a level of memories, of connection with my parents and with important times in my life that were marked with some kind of catholic ritual.

These days, I only attend church either at funerals or at weddings and I loathe it both times. Being in a church on my own, however, fills me with a deep peace and sense of belonging that is hard to come by. Maybe in a gay club at 4am when all are dancing to the same beat and we all know that we're basically the same... maybe then.

The catholic church and gay culture have shockingly many things in common (and I'm not only talking about men in dresses that surround themselves with guys too young for them).

This blog post did not go where I intended it to go...

Are we there yet?

It's a simple question, really. Are we there yet? Or differently put: When will it be enough?

I'm here in this beautiful city, in my nearly perfect apartment, the light of the sunset is falling through my floor-length windows, I got a raise in my job, can do whatever I want. I can come and leave when I want, have people to do my bidding. My boss thinks I'm his go-to guy and thinks the world of me (even though he silently suspects I'm a bit lazy). My job ultimately helps people with uncurable disorders, I'm on a steep career track.

Still... I want... something else? something different? something... more? Something that will lighten up my life, something to brighten my nights. Something that I can't stop smiling when I think about it.

The fact of the matter is this: I know I can do something amazing with my life. What I don't know is if what I'm doing right now is this amazing thing. And it's killing me.

I'm here

So the moving went smoothly... well... as smoothly as moving can be ;) My new city is absolutely gorgeous. The weather has been wonderful and people are just lying on blankets in the parks and under the trees... the trees! let me tell you, this city if full of trees and who wouldn't love that. My work is going ok so far, a few bumps in the road but overall I'm doing fine. And the moving alone and on my own? I really like it. Sure, I have to do shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills and rent and whatever, but it's not really that bad. I go to work by bike and enjoy the fresh air and the parks (gosh, I sound so cheesy right now).

What's missing so far is... some company. In a few weeks some of my colleagues from back home will move here to work with me so I'll know a few people then, but for now I'm pretty much on my own. Now if you know me (and by now you probably know me a little bit) I can be happy all by my lonesome :) but I installed a very.... interesting (?) app a few days ago. Oh, the wonders of technology. It's called "Grindr" and determines your position by GPS, then lists guys in your vicinity that want to a)meet b)talk c)hook up d)all of the above.

I was a bit hesitant, but thought I pretty much couldn't lose anything (but my dignity... oh who are we kidding... ;). So I'm online and I see a cute guy that is located.... 0m from me. I still think my GPS is a bit funky, because... he's not in my apartment and I don't think he lives above or below me, but still very near. We talked a bit and he seems kinda nice... you can't really tell after a few messages. We'll skype soon.

I still think it's so weird that I have been basically shut off from the world for so long and now I live here and *bam* meet someone. I mean, it'll probably lead to nothing, but still it's a contact.

0m away from me.

You say good-bye and I say hello.

It's my last day of work. Good-bye old job, hello new one. I feel… elated. I thought I might be sad to let go, but again I surprise myself with my apparent lack of sentimentality. I don't know if I like my new job, or the pay, or the city, or or or… but what I do know is that I like the decision to go there - and really, that's all that matters. You never know what will happen, but as long as you're comfortable with your life choices, nothing can go too wrong.

So I sit at my desk, everything cleared up, only my laptop, cell phone, water bottle on it. I'm a little light-headed, but that's to be expected and that's ok. I simply have to wait till I finish my last meeting at 2, then cake at 2.30, then heading home to pack for a new life. If that's how moving on feels like, I should do it more often. I know that I always say "change is good for you", but there's a difference between saying it and living it. For the first time in over 4 years, I don't really know how next week will be like and what life has in store for me over the next months and perhaps years.

The sad thing is to leave my friends behind, but to be honest, I'll come home to visit and I've only seen them on the weekends in the last years anyway. The nice thing is that I'll be able to take my online friends with me (if I manage to pack my computer into my car. I'm still hopeful on that account!). I'll continue blogging and tweeting and basically you won't be able to judge that anything changes, but believe me - it will.

This is so not life at all...

There are days when everything seems just so surreal. It starts with your alarm clock ringing/playing Love Story by Taylor Swift and ends with the light of the sunset touching the cherry blossoms just right. And all in between feels like the musical demon from Buffy decided to visit your town for a day...

People tell you what they really think.

You sing and dance while walking through the world.

Nothing, no matter how bad, can really get you down.

I'd like to tell you that days like these happen frequently in my life, but they don't. They come around every few weeks and I try to enjoy them for as long as I can.

So it was one of those days and let me tell you, I had some fun milking it. If you open your eyes and look out for these days, you'll find that once you're in one, you can do whatever. Everything you do will turn out... interesting. It's not like Felix Felicis and everything will turn out golden, but you'll have stories to tell ;)

Well yes, science can be fun :)

The bottom line is this: if you open your eyes, you will see stories around you. Adventures. Don't try to delude yourself into thinking (your) life is boring, because it isn't. You just have to pay attention.

Now that you mention it, leaving your house sometimes helps.

A cake full of rainbows

Tomorrow I'll start working again after a 6 week sabbatical.

Today, I'll tell you how I feel about that :)

It's funny… do you know that paragraph in Harry Potter where Hermione explains to Ron what another girl is feeling and he's like "it's impossible to feel so many things at once"? That's how I sometimes think. We humans really are complex creatures with emotions like rainbows.

Right now, I'm excited in a good way to re-start working tomorrow.

I have too much energy, I'm looking forward to see my colleagues again.

I am restless and in the process of moving to another city.

I am afraid to go in again, because I think that things might have changed in those weeks, that people don't need me any more.

I am happy to move my life into a different direction.

I am hopeful, because I realized nothing can go wrong as long as you do what you think is right at that particular moment.

I am sad to leave my parents behind. Not only am I used to have them nearby, but they need me. They'll manage, I'm sure, but still…

Also I feel prospectively lonely, because I'm leaving my friends I've had around me for years (decades). I am used to seeing my friends at least 2-3 times a week.

I feel at the same time pushed and ready to take a new step growing up.

I feel like I'm lacking something profound and the sad thing is that I usually don't realize I'm lacking it. But sometimes, for example yesterday as I watched "how to train your dragon" and Astrid put her arms around Hickup when riding the dragon, I felt an actual pinch in my heart, I was jealous of a cartoon boy.

I am looking forward to my fantastic new apartment and the furniture I've already ordered for it.

I'm also looking forward to living according to my own schedule.

I'm excited for new projects and responsibilities.

I feel like I actually know how to do something valuable. Something not anyone could do…

I feel all these things at once, like facets of my being right now. Every second another emotion dominates, but they are all there. Right now. Glittering and flittering around, amazing me in their variety and colours.

To think we actually delude ourselves into thinking we could completely understand another human being besides our own… it's ridiculous. And completely human.

Light and Shadow

Oh boy, I haven't been here for a long time. Sorry?

Let's start this blog with two lines of lyrics.

The first one from the Mountain Goats "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and the second one from one of my favorites, the lovely Imogen Heap "I knew that I'd get like this again, that's why I try to keep at bay, be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then a perfect heart's length away".

They describe perfectly how I'm feeling right now. I'm half in light and half in shadow. I'm more calm than I've been in years. I have time to read, which I've been basically doing non-stop and starting my 10+ book in a few weeks tonight. I feel that something dramatic is going to happen, going to change and I'm not even a bit afraid. I'm so ready for change.

I find that I'm avoiding my real-life friends more and more. Maybe I want to prepare myself for the prospect of leaving them in a couple of weeks, but I feel that it's something different. I have talked about this and the consensus seems to be this: I have known my friends for so long. SO long. Some of them I've known since kindergarten and we have just become so comfortable. So quiet. So "rut-ty" if you will. We don't even talk much anymore, even if we meet up. We watch a movie together or play something. We go to the movies, whatever. We know what the others think so we don't even have to ask anymore. We don't make an effort anymore and I hate me and them for it. I need these new surroundings. New, interesting people. People that have new stories to tell. I feel like I will appreciate my friends much more when I'm apart from them for a while. I need the distance.

I am in a cleansing mood and for me that involves loads and loads of time alone in my room with tea and books. If you look back on one of the earliest posts in this blog of Sunday, 24th of August 2008 (link) you'll see that reading really opens me up. Recharges me. And I've just not been doing enough re-charging lately so that's a good thing.

I will move in a couple of weeks. I have a gorgeous new apartment (with almost no furniture ;) I will be far away from friends and family, will get to know my colleagues better (who will move to the new city with me)... all in all it will be a different life. Who knows if it's going to be better, my life hasn't really been bad this far so we'll see about that.

I hope that I can count on some of my online friends to make the transition easier, because no matter what, the beginnings will be difficult. New responsibilities, more hours at work, different fields, new collaborators...

I've been thinking today about age. About growing up. About old souls and aging of souls... and it's a bit weird. I feel like my soul is getting younger. I have always felt like my soul was decades away from my body's age and now that I'm getting "older" I feel like I'm regaining my youth in a way. I'm getting happier. More cheerful (even if this post might sound gloomy). I feel like the days grow longer. Are filled with more life. I want to make new friends and new experiences. I really want to talk to people, which is something I was never particularly fond of and now I am re-learning it. I have always said that there are old people who behave childish and children who behave like grown-ups. Well, it turns out I might turn into one of the former mentioned ones ;)

Let me just say that I appreciate my blog reader who stick with me through thick and thin and let's go through this journey together :)

P.S. There will be a very, very special youtube video in the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open for that ;)