A change of pace

Today, in the light of the failed NY senate bill, a passage from the Bible (yes, you read correctly).

The Supremacy of Love

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself, but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Freedom

We all have different views on different subjects. We all think differently. We are only united in our search of likeness in others. We are searching for people that are similar to us in appearance, in ability, in taste, in something... to connect.

I wrote in an early blog that we like others because we are similar, but love them because we are different. Just the same as we like someone because of their virtues, but love them because of their flaws.

This is basically the same thing... we all want freedom, but freedom means something different for each and everyone of us. For some it might be a big number on their bank account, being their own boss, living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, ... but in the end it all comes down to this.

Freedom is the possibility of being yourself without the fear of repercussions.

Doing what you love without the fear of being judged.

Saying what you feel without the fear of being laughed at.

Loving who you feel like loving without the fear of getting beaten up or killed or discriminated against.

Freedom exists where we conquer our fears. So let's all start there. Sit on your bed. Quiet. Listening to the world. Close your eyes. Look inside yourself and ask... what are you afraid of? It might take a while, but you will find many things you fear... and when you know what you fear, start somewhere small.

Tell someone on the street that you love their outfit if you're afraid of voicing your opinion.

Go outside and take pictures if you're afraid of others judging what you do.

Go to the movies alone if you're afraid of people pitying you.

Start with the little things and work your way up to the big ones.

Telling your friends you love them for who they are.

Asking the cute guy in the office our for a cup of coffee.

Telling your boss you want more responsibility.

Ask in your local gallery if they might be interested to display one or two of your photos.

Life is too short for fear.

The picture above is the view from my bedroom window. If I see this, my fear just goes away. Find your strength, I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Lyrics of the day: The Fear by Lily Allen

I wanna be rich, and I want lots of money

I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds

I heard people die while they're trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off, and it will be shameless

'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

It's all about fast cars and cussing each other

But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm packing plastic

And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption

And it's not my fault, it's how I'm programmed to function

I'll look at the sun, and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah we're on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition

'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission

Now I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner

And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Time for some stories

I have always felt that the stories behind the story are the important ones. The interesting ones. Most of the time we only see the facade of life. We see the masks and the stories people want us to see. We hear what they are telling us. But these are not the stories that are true and immediate, those aren't told in the front of the shop.

TV gives us a peak at the real stories sometimes. In some TV shows you have a plot that entertains you throughout an episode, but in fact it's the interaction between the protagonists that keeps you watching, that keeps you interested and involved. I could name several shows where this is the case but I don't want to put pictures in your head or labels on your mind. Just imagine the interaction between collegues, between family members that transcende episodes, that are the core of a show. That is the reason why in some cases TV can be better than movies (as strange as that might sound). But only on TV (and maybe in the greatest of movies) we can grow with a character, we can get accustomed to seeing them like friends, like family.

In our digital age, the relationship between us and our favourite characters has in some places replaced our real life, which is sad, but it shows you that it doesn't matter which case is solved in CSI, Bones, Mentalist, Supernatural, but it does matter what's behind the picture.

In life, it's the same. While it might be interesting and entertaining what people tell you, it's who they are in relation to you what makes it relevant. Makes it matter. If someone tells you a story about their late grandfather who baked a killer cake, it doesn't really matter to you. You didn't know the grandfather, you never tasted the cake. What does matter, however, is that it tells you something about the person telling you the story. It gives you background, depth. It helps you understand. This is why stories matter. Not because of the apparent content, but because of what stories tell you about the people and their relations involved. Weird, isn't it? To realize that life is just a canvas with a pretty picture that stands in your view and blocks it. Hinders you. Doesn't let you see the real picture unless you dig in deep. Try.

Do me a favour. Try. Next time when you hear a story, try to see the meaning behind it. Don't listen to gossip, listen to the voice, the person telling you gossip. What do you see? What does it tell you? It might take some practice, but you might be able, in time, to see the life behind the veil. Have fun. And be scared, because life might change for you.

Lyrics of the day: Life is a Song by Patrick Park

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean

Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past

There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week

And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing

And polverize and derrange all your senses

Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along

Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free

In a dark and storming sea

You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast

You say that you know that the good Lord's in control

He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul

But at the end of the day when every price has been paid

You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold

And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die

You'll die like you're afraid to go

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been

It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From chains and shackles that they're in

From the chains and shackles that they're in

Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep

You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet

And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall

Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

Home(sick)ness

So... hey. How are you? Long time no read. I know, I know... that is mainly my fault, but life has been pretty full. As you may or may not know (or care about), I'm in Copenhagen right now. One of the (if not the) most organic, clean, organized, and friendly places on earth. What actually stands out more: one of the most expensive places on earth -.-

I am working here for a few weeks and am, therefore, living in a hotel. It's the 5th hotel this week and I have a feeling that only truck drivers and salesmen are seeing more hotels these days than I do. Anyway... I'm in a foreign country again and actually, I'm enjoying it. If I'm away from home, the first 1-2 days, I feel a bit homesick, but then after I'm settled in, I'm ok. Sure, this hotel room is not the nicest place to live in, but I have internet and I found a bookstore with a great variety of English literature, meaning that essentially I have the two things I need to be content: internet & books.

When I'm in a foreign country, I make it a habit to eat food I would never touch when at home. This way, I'm sure to try something new every day ;) Today... I ate at a french wine bar (?) and it was... interesting? I ate a piece of bread, toasted, with ham, cheese, sweet peppers, and fruit jelly. Yes, I have to admit that the jelly put me off in the beginning (actually, I was trying to find out what the orange glibbery stuff was and it was sweet and fruity so let's just pretend it was fruit jelly) and it turned out that the whole thing was quite edible. Not my favourite kind of food, because normally I eat neither cheese nor ham (and very few bread) but that's what I'm here for. Well actually I'm here to work in a lab, but that's beside the point.

I also found a nice shop with book antiquities and bought a book for my Dad's birthday in 3 weeks. It was printed 66 years ago when he was born. Nice present? I hope so.

The next two days: no work, so I might explore the city (if it doesn't rain, which let's face it, it will. this is Denmark after all). There's also the Copenhagen Gay and Lesbian film festival right now and I might watch a movie or two? Even though I don't like going to the movies alone. Strangely, I have no problem going to dinner alone... or going anywhere alone. But the movies? I like to talk to someone before the movie starts and immediately afterwards I like to talk about a movie.

As a sidenote, my hair starts to curl. That is very poorly chosen by my hair I have to say. Far away from home and from my hairdresser. I look like I want to be Edward Cullen for Halloween...

On that note, goodbye for now.

Lyrics of the day: Kathy's song by Simon and Garfunkel

I hear the drizzle of the rain

Like a memory it falls

Soft and warm continuing

Tapping on my roof and walls.

And from the shelter of my mind

Through the window of my eyes

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets

To England where my heart lies.

My mind's distracted and diffused

My thoughts are many miles away

They lie with you when you're asleep

And kiss you when you start your day.

And a song I was writing is left undone

I don't know why I spend my time

Writing songs I can't believe

With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain

Weave their weary paths and die

I know that I am like the rain

There but for the grace of you go I.

Time and what to make of it

As humans, we are all familiar with the concept of time. In most areas of the world, your day will be divided by day and night and give it rhythm. Studies have shown that people (if there was no sun) would live in cycles that are more like 26h long and would alternate more frequently between waking and sleeping.

Anyway, our lives are filled with time. With appointments, dates, clocks. With free time, work time, overtime. With being "too early" or "too late". Time occupies our lives. But if you strip away layer after layer from our lives, beginning with the job, the family, the friends, the surroundings like TV, radio etc... and then if you end up with the most basic surroundings and strip away the day/night cycle, where are you then. In the most northern/southern parts of this world, you can experience weeks of daylight or weeks of night. That's just the way our planet is designed... you can begin to imagine what it would be like to live outside of time.

You will try to begin to understand that time is a human concept, not a natural one. If you're surrounded by nature and by daylight in the eternal summer that exists in Greenland... you see that nature knows no time. The days pass by, the months... nature has been here for millenia and it doesn't care about time. You have to remind yourself that animals and plants, the don't see the whole picture. They only know themselves and they only know "now". This is the reason why we don't save the planet for the animals. They don't care. If a species is extinct and an ecosystem crumples down, nature will continue as if nothing happened. We need our ecological concience for ourselves. The rainforest doesn't care if there are 10 or 10k different species of parots. Nature doesn't have a concept of time, therefore nature has all the time in the world. Even if we humans managed to kill everything/everyone and no life is left on earth.... give it a million years or two or 100, nature will regenerate - us humans, we won't.

If you ever find yourself in the lucky situation that time steps out, for example if you're really happy or sufficiently meditating, enjoy it. The feeling that there is no time is equal to the feeling that you're infinite. And don't we all want to feel infinite?

Lyrics of the day: I will remember you by Sarah Mclachlan

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

That I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Where did my life go?

Actually, I don't ask myself where my life went... but I don't want to be in the situation 10 years from now asking myself that. We all go through phases of relative static. We get up in the morning, we go to work/school, we go to sleep and repeat that cycle over and over again. That's quite normal, we all do this from time to time and let's face it - it helps. It helps us regenerate, regain energy for the times where you get up in the morning and don't know where your life will lead you.

I've been in that "rut" for a few weeks now and I think it's over. I have made up my mind that I will try to get a job somewhere else and will start sending out my first application this week. It's a bit frightening, like submitting a personal ad ;)

Where will I be in a year's time? For the first time in quite a while I can honestly say "I have no idea". While the world may be my oyster, I don't really want the world. I want a job in Europe, preferably in Germany. Most of all, I want a job that I a) can be proud to do and b) love doing.

Enough of that. I still have loads to do at my old job and I have to get to it beginning tomorrow.

On another note, I love the fall TV programming so far. Supernatural, Glee, Vampire Diaries, True Blood ;) all great shows. And Ellen on American Idol? Might be the best thing happening to AI since Kelly Clarkson.

Last, but certainly not least: I really need to get myself a bf. Seriously now.

The lyrics of the day have a special place in my heart. Beauty of a song.

Lyrics of the day: If my heart was a house by Owl City

You're the sky that I fell through

And I remember the view

Whenever I'm holding you

The sun hung from a string

Looking down on the world as it warms over everything

Chills run down my spine

As our fingers entwine

And your sighs harmonize with mine

Unmistakably

I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me

We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)

That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best

I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west

Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you

Cause your favorite shade is navy blue

I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)

Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

The pouch

I know I've been away for too long ;) Sorry about that. As you might know (or not), I've spent the last week in a beautiful, beautiful hotel in the German Alps. I have done a wee bit of hiking, a lot more napping, staying in a sauna or in the biggest hamam west of Istambul. They were good times.

Now today... I had booked a yoga massage. I had anticipated something like a Thai yoga massage. I lie there in light clothing and the guy/woman stretches me for an hour. Well... something went a bit differently than anticipated.

I came there and she's like. "Ok undress completely." I had massages before and I don't really like lying somewhere naked and more or less covered by a towel... too late for regrets now. So I mentally prepare myself that I will lie there for 90 min, my bareness only barely covered by a towel and then she would start streching w/e. And then she presents it. She's like "Then put this on please". It looked like a mixture between a sanitary towel and a string tanga. It's a kind of papery pouch. You know... like the ones men wore in old photographs from the early 20th century when they needed to cover their nakedness. In the beginning, I wanted to laugh out loud. Then I wanted to sneak out before she noticed. Then I put it on. I have to admit, I felt a big degraded - standing there and a second later, lying on the mattress, face down, presenting my string to the world. Well... to the quite charming Indian woman.

Words like lesigh, facepalm, omg were in my mind, but what can you do.

You think that's the bad part? Oh my dear friends, not really. At first, she massages my complete backside. Arms, legs, etc. Sometimes a bit uncomfortable, but w/e. Now I have to turn and lie on my back.

In the beginning, the front was kinda ok as well. If you like, you can imagine how I felt, lying there, eyes closed and trying to relax (and not to laugh out loud). Some long, loong minutes later, I actually couldn't really feel if the pouch was still on right.

I haven't felt this awkward in a while. In a very long while.

I couldn't ask if my junk was hanging out, now could I.

I couldn't raise my head and look, now could I.

I tried to move a little bit to check, but that's kinda hard if someone has your leg in the air and presses your foot into your shoulder.

I decided to just clench my teeth and bear it. I mean, if it really was a bit "out there", who am I to deny her the view? *insert sarcastic laugh here* No really. It was the pinnacle of awkward.

When all was set and done and over and I lay quietly under the towel, I had the chance to check and thankfully, all was in its right place.

This episode of "My awkward life" was presented to you by "The perfect pouch".

Lyrics of the day: Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (don't ask).

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Book survey

You already know that books are a (too) big part of my life. So I read Hayley's blog and discovered a book survey. And I realized this would be an easy blog post :) so I took it. It took me probably a lot more time than to write a normal entry (fail), but anyway, here it is:

1. What author do you own the most books by?

My book collection is fluid, but right now... Lemony Snicket.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

That's a tie between many books that I own the English and German version of. *oops... did I end that sentence right?*

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

Well... not really. English is my second language and I don't care as much as I should about these things :D

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

I rarely fall in love with book characters, I'm a shallow and visual person :) Give me cute actors anytime. Wait... what does that tell you about me? Forget I wrote that.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?

I have read some books like The Alchemist, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, City of dreaming books etc a number of times. Maybe 4-5x? But I don't really keep track.

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

At 10 years, my favourite book was Drachenfeuer (Dragon fire) by Wolfgang Hohlbein. When I was 10, Harry Potter didn't exist yet ;)

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?

Well there is the usual suspect (B** Dawn), I also hated the brilliant book "Noone belongs here more than you", because it depressed the hell out of me.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?

I've read a huge number of great books in the last year (Kite runner, John Green's books etc come to mind), but the one that spoke most to me was "Perks of being a wallflower".

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

I don't know how to answer this one. Forcing a book on someone is never a good idea. Maybe I'd force the HP series on people who think the books are as bad as the movies sometimes make them seem.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

I only want to see movies made into books that have a strong fantastic element, just to be amazed by special effects and foreign landscapes :) The character development is better in books anyway. So for this reason, I'd like to see the Otherland tetralogy as a movie. Mainly because I didn't like the books, but I liked the idea behind them.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

Oh God, so many. The least would actually be The perks... because I could imagine someone wanting to make it into a movie, but in my opinion it's impossible to do, because the beauty of the book is inside of the protagonist's head.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

All my dreams are weird and I consider every dream that a writer appears in as weird, but no particular one comes to mind.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?

I'm with Hayley on that one. The Twilight series was probably the one I was actually hesitant to even tell people that I'm reading it. (Mind you, I read all 4 books in one week).

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?

Gödel, Escher, Bach. It killed my mind. In hindsight, it was stupid to try and read it in English at that time.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?

I'm perfectly content in watching non-obscure Shakespeare plays, thank you very much :)

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

Noone beats the Russians in literary style and general grandeness, but I personally prefer the French.

17. Roth or Updike?

I haven't read much of both, so I'll not pass judgement.

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I've only read Sedaris, so Sedaris it will be :) He cracks me up.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare. Just 'cause.

20. Austen or Eliot?

Austen. A bit hesitant on my part, but Austen. Definitely.

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

I've had times during my university studies where I read only less than 10 books a year.

22. What is your favorite novel?

What does "favourite" mean. The best one? The one I like to re-read most? The one that spoke to me the most? I can't possibly answer that, but one of the titles that up there is 100 years of solitude.

23. Play?

Not too much into modern plays, so some Shakespeare for me please. I don't go to the theatre often though.

24. Poem?

Yes. Oh you meant a specific one? Dickinson in the English language and many many in German. A specific one is difficult, maybe "Die Fahrende" by Gertrud Kolmar.

25. Essay?

I don't know too many essays, but one that stuck with me is about the genius cult in the late 1700.

26. Work of nonfiction?

I like books like Fermat's enigma, Universe in a nutshell etc.

27. Who is your favorite writer?

At the moment? I really like Maureen Johnson ;)

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

Oi. That's a mean question because you single handedly insult everyone who loves this writer. If I had to choose, I'd vote for Steph. Meyer. Simply because in her case the difference between deserved acclaim and actual success is largest.

29. What is your desert island book?

One book would be kind of cruel, but seeing as I haven't gotten far in "Infinite Jest" yet, I'd take that one and hope that boredom would force it on me.

30. And... what are you reading right now?

I'm a bit ashamed to say I'm reading Diabolus by Dan Brown (don't yell at me, I'm on holiday!) and will soon start HP7, Catcher in the Rye and many more (still 2 more weeks of vacation :)

Lyrics of the day: Put the book back on the shelf by Belle & Sebastian

Sebastian you're in a mess

You had a dream, they called you king

Of all the hipsters, is it true?

Or are you still the queen?

Like getting blood out of a stone

The city left you all alone

You came to dance, but there's no poignancy

When they all leave you standing alone

The wider issues of the day

Don't interest you, you'll have to pay

For looking at the floor

When people talk to you

You wrote a book about yourself

The people left it on the shelf

You'll write another one

Now you've got a story that's worth talking about

Are you happy with yourself?

Are you talking to yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?

Put the book back on the shelf

I know the company you keep

You're on the sofa hidden deep

While on the telly Sid James speaks

To you like God

You're always looking for a sign

But boy you blow it every time

You hear a voice begin to speak

You ignore it and go softly to sleep

Finding yourself

With the things I experienced during the last week, I could fill many blog posts, but I will try to be short and concise, because let's face it: people like the blogs they follow to come to the point ;) Or at least I do.

I took the above pic from the plane when I flew over the desert Sinai. No plant in sight for hundreds of miles. No shrub, no tree. Just rocks and sand. I have never experienced anything like it and it scared me. If you look at all the pictures I posted taken near my home, you know that I'm from a hilly, green country. Vineyards, fiels, forests. Being among that much sand and that little plants scared me.

I went for a vacation that lasted 1 day in the end. That's right, I flew to Egypt for 1 day. To my defense, I had planned to stay a week, but something came up. And with something, I mean personal issues (could I be any more vague?). Sufficed to say that I would not fly around the globe if it wasn't unavoidable.

This week, I learned much about myself. About who I am and about what I can do. I also got more scared than I had been in many years. That tends to happen when I delve too deeply into my self. What does that tell about me, if I can even scare myself with it? I don't really want to know. So I'm sitting in a 5-star hotel at the red sea. Thousands of miles from anyone I know. Noone, nothing to distract me. No work. No internet. Not enough books (seriously, what was I thinking? 5 books for a week? I read 3 in 2 days!). Just me and my thoughts.

I circled a very big dark hole for a day till I decided to try anything to get home, even if it meant to a) throw away money that I had already spent on the hotel and b) admit personal failure to the people at home. They said I shouldn't go on a vacation alone. It turns out that they were right, but not because I can't be alone or go on a vacation alone, it was a combination of many things. A series of unfortunate events, if you will.

Summary: I am afraid of my future. Like, "pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and hum a lullaby" afraid.

It seems like a mockery to see the light blue button down there that says "save now".

Save now? Yes, please. And hurry.

Lyrics of the day: Save me by Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit

For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me

Come on and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell

You know what it's like

The long farewell of the hunger strike

You struck me dumb like radium

Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me

C'mon and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cept the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

But the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone