Thursday, 3 September 2009

The pouch

I know I've been away for too long ;) Sorry about that. As you might know (or not), I've spent the last week in a beautiful, beautiful hotel in the German Alps. I have done a wee bit of hiking, a lot more napping, staying in a sauna or in the biggest hamam west of Istambul. They were good times.

Now today... I had booked a yoga massage. I had anticipated something like a Thai yoga massage. I lie there in light clothing and the guy/woman stretches me for an hour. Well... something went a bit differently than anticipated.

I came there and she's like. "Ok undress completely." I had massages before and I don't really like lying somewhere naked and more or less covered by a towel... too late for regrets now. So I mentally prepare myself that I will lie there for 90 min, my bareness only barely covered by a towel and then she would start streching w/e. And then she presents it. She's like "Then put this on please". It looked like a mixture between a sanitary towel and a string tanga. It's a kind of papery pouch. You know... like the ones men wore in old photographs from the early 20th century when they needed to cover their nakedness. In the beginning, I wanted to laugh out loud. Then I wanted to sneak out before she noticed. Then I put it on. I have to admit, I felt a big degraded - standing there and a second later, lying on the mattress, face down, presenting my string to the world. Well... to the quite charming Indian woman.

Words like lesigh, facepalm, omg were in my mind, but what can you do.

You think that's the bad part? Oh my dear friends, not really. At first, she massages my complete backside. Arms, legs, etc. Sometimes a bit uncomfortable, but w/e. Now I have to turn and lie on my back.

In the beginning, the front was kinda ok as well. If you like, you can imagine how I felt, lying there, eyes closed and trying to relax (and not to laugh out loud). Some long, loong minutes later, I actually couldn't really feel if the pouch was still on right.

I haven't felt this awkward in a while. In a very long while.
I couldn't ask if my junk was hanging out, now could I.
I couldn't raise my head and look, now could I.
I tried to move a little bit to check, but that's kinda hard if someone has your leg in the air and presses your foot into your shoulder.

I decided to just clench my teeth and bear it. I mean, if it really was a bit "out there", who am I to deny her the view? *insert sarcastic laugh here* No really. It was the pinnacle of awkward.

When all was set and done and over and I lay quietly under the towel, I had the chance to check and thankfully, all was in its right place.

This episode of "My awkward life" was presented to you by "The perfect pouch".

Lyrics of the day: Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (don't ask).

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

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