Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Do you care?

When I was young... well more precisely when I was a little kid, I definitely cared too much. I cared about others, I cared for my family, I basically cared. Full stop. Just cared. I was a sensitive kid, but mostly a happy one. I was different from the start, but that didn't really bother me. I got picked on quite a lot, laughed at quite a few times, but I didn't care ;)

I could read and write when I was 3, read books to my friends in kindergarten, got special lessons when I was in 1st and 2nd grade. I could have skipped grade 2 and 6, but my parents gave my the choice and I stayed with my friends. Good decision or bad?

I don't really know, but it doesn't matter. I would be more refined intellectually, but I would probably be even more screwed up emotionally, so in the end I guess my decision was the right one. Back to topic.

I got older and I learned to stop caring about everything. It was just too much to deal with so I detached myself as far as possible. However, after a while I realized that I didn't care much about the good stuff either. I felt numb and probably like some people feel on Lithium. Not able to feel happy or sad. That had to stop, so I gradually eased back into caring, feeling.

I'm a bit fucked up now, because I can't really allow myself to feel/care when I'm interacting with people, but I almost tear up when I read about an accident in the paper or see something on TV. I can feel for characters in the movies, but I struggle to care for my friends sometimes. I don't know if others have this problem, but for me it's a bit of a vicious circle, because I don't really "talk" to others. About the important stuff at least. It has been a long long time since I really talked about how I feel with someone and I have only talked to people a few times in my life. I'm afraid to open up and to trust I guess. Trust issues are really high up on my list of things to work through with a potential therapist :)

Bottom line is this. I care. I care about animals and their dwindling habitats, I care about life, about peace. I care about Iran and about the political situation in all countries. I care about everyone, but in a strange way, I also care about noone. I don't care what people think of me. I don't know my neighbours' names. I don't care about riches and fame.

I don't even care about my job. Which is a whole new level of f-ed up if you ask me, because how am I supposed to do a good job, when I don't really care. Mind you, I do a pretty good job as it is (not caring), but sometimes I get a faint glimmer of an idea of how good my mind actually works and how well I could do a job that I cared about.

This is actually keeping me up at night.

I hope you're not kept up at night or if you are, I hope it's because of something far more pleasant. Take care.

Lyrics of the day: That's how I knew this story would break my heart by Aimee Mann

I drew a picture of you
You and your anchor tattoo
And saw the face that I knew
Covered in shame
You drew a bird that was here
A kind of sweet chanticleer
But with a terrible fear
That the cage couldn't tame

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart

So, like a ghost in the snow
I'm getting ready to go
'Cause baby, that's all I know –
How to open the door
And though the exit is crude
It saves me coming unglued
For when you're not in the mood
For the gloves and the canvas floor

That's how I knew this story would break my heart
When you wrote it
That's how I knew this story would break my heart

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

turn to god, he will help. i have felt the way you have.