Home(sick)ness

So... hey. How are you? Long time no read. I know, I know... that is mainly my fault, but life has been pretty full. As you may or may not know (or care about), I'm in Copenhagen right now. One of the (if not the) most organic, clean, organized, and friendly places on earth. What actually stands out more: one of the most expensive places on earth -.-

I am working here for a few weeks and am, therefore, living in a hotel. It's the 5th hotel this week and I have a feeling that only truck drivers and salesmen are seeing more hotels these days than I do. Anyway... I'm in a foreign country again and actually, I'm enjoying it. If I'm away from home, the first 1-2 days, I feel a bit homesick, but then after I'm settled in, I'm ok. Sure, this hotel room is not the nicest place to live in, but I have internet and I found a bookstore with a great variety of English literature, meaning that essentially I have the two things I need to be content: internet & books.

When I'm in a foreign country, I make it a habit to eat food I would never touch when at home. This way, I'm sure to try something new every day ;) Today... I ate at a french wine bar (?) and it was... interesting? I ate a piece of bread, toasted, with ham, cheese, sweet peppers, and fruit jelly. Yes, I have to admit that the jelly put me off in the beginning (actually, I was trying to find out what the orange glibbery stuff was and it was sweet and fruity so let's just pretend it was fruit jelly) and it turned out that the whole thing was quite edible. Not my favourite kind of food, because normally I eat neither cheese nor ham (and very few bread) but that's what I'm here for. Well actually I'm here to work in a lab, but that's beside the point.

I also found a nice shop with book antiquities and bought a book for my Dad's birthday in 3 weeks. It was printed 66 years ago when he was born. Nice present? I hope so.

The next two days: no work, so I might explore the city (if it doesn't rain, which let's face it, it will. this is Denmark after all). There's also the Copenhagen Gay and Lesbian film festival right now and I might watch a movie or two? Even though I don't like going to the movies alone. Strangely, I have no problem going to dinner alone... or going anywhere alone. But the movies? I like to talk to someone before the movie starts and immediately afterwards I like to talk about a movie.

As a sidenote, my hair starts to curl. That is very poorly chosen by my hair I have to say. Far away from home and from my hairdresser. I look like I want to be Edward Cullen for Halloween...

On that note, goodbye for now.

Lyrics of the day: Kathy's song by Simon and Garfunkel

I hear the drizzle of the rain

Like a memory it falls

Soft and warm continuing

Tapping on my roof and walls.

And from the shelter of my mind

Through the window of my eyes

I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets

To England where my heart lies.

My mind's distracted and diffused

My thoughts are many miles away

They lie with you when you're asleep

And kiss you when you start your day.

And a song I was writing is left undone

I don't know why I spend my time

Writing songs I can't believe

With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain

Weave their weary paths and die

I know that I am like the rain

There but for the grace of you go I.

Time and what to make of it

As humans, we are all familiar with the concept of time. In most areas of the world, your day will be divided by day and night and give it rhythm. Studies have shown that people (if there was no sun) would live in cycles that are more like 26h long and would alternate more frequently between waking and sleeping.

Anyway, our lives are filled with time. With appointments, dates, clocks. With free time, work time, overtime. With being "too early" or "too late". Time occupies our lives. But if you strip away layer after layer from our lives, beginning with the job, the family, the friends, the surroundings like TV, radio etc... and then if you end up with the most basic surroundings and strip away the day/night cycle, where are you then. In the most northern/southern parts of this world, you can experience weeks of daylight or weeks of night. That's just the way our planet is designed... you can begin to imagine what it would be like to live outside of time.

You will try to begin to understand that time is a human concept, not a natural one. If you're surrounded by nature and by daylight in the eternal summer that exists in Greenland... you see that nature knows no time. The days pass by, the months... nature has been here for millenia and it doesn't care about time. You have to remind yourself that animals and plants, the don't see the whole picture. They only know themselves and they only know "now". This is the reason why we don't save the planet for the animals. They don't care. If a species is extinct and an ecosystem crumples down, nature will continue as if nothing happened. We need our ecological concience for ourselves. The rainforest doesn't care if there are 10 or 10k different species of parots. Nature doesn't have a concept of time, therefore nature has all the time in the world. Even if we humans managed to kill everything/everyone and no life is left on earth.... give it a million years or two or 100, nature will regenerate - us humans, we won't.

If you ever find yourself in the lucky situation that time steps out, for example if you're really happy or sufficiently meditating, enjoy it. The feeling that there is no time is equal to the feeling that you're infinite. And don't we all want to feel infinite?

Lyrics of the day: I will remember you by Sarah Mclachlan

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

But once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

That I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Where did my life go?

Actually, I don't ask myself where my life went... but I don't want to be in the situation 10 years from now asking myself that. We all go through phases of relative static. We get up in the morning, we go to work/school, we go to sleep and repeat that cycle over and over again. That's quite normal, we all do this from time to time and let's face it - it helps. It helps us regenerate, regain energy for the times where you get up in the morning and don't know where your life will lead you.

I've been in that "rut" for a few weeks now and I think it's over. I have made up my mind that I will try to get a job somewhere else and will start sending out my first application this week. It's a bit frightening, like submitting a personal ad ;)

Where will I be in a year's time? For the first time in quite a while I can honestly say "I have no idea". While the world may be my oyster, I don't really want the world. I want a job in Europe, preferably in Germany. Most of all, I want a job that I a) can be proud to do and b) love doing.

Enough of that. I still have loads to do at my old job and I have to get to it beginning tomorrow.

On another note, I love the fall TV programming so far. Supernatural, Glee, Vampire Diaries, True Blood ;) all great shows. And Ellen on American Idol? Might be the best thing happening to AI since Kelly Clarkson.

Last, but certainly not least: I really need to get myself a bf. Seriously now.

The lyrics of the day have a special place in my heart. Beauty of a song.

Lyrics of the day: If my heart was a house by Owl City

You're the sky that I fell through

And I remember the view

Whenever I'm holding you

The sun hung from a string

Looking down on the world as it warms over everything

Chills run down my spine

As our fingers entwine

And your sighs harmonize with mine

Unmistakably

I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me

We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)

That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best

I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west

Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you

Cause your favorite shade is navy blue

I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)

Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)

So I may as well ditch my dismay

Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth

If my heart was a compass you'd be north

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go

If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

The pouch

I know I've been away for too long ;) Sorry about that. As you might know (or not), I've spent the last week in a beautiful, beautiful hotel in the German Alps. I have done a wee bit of hiking, a lot more napping, staying in a sauna or in the biggest hamam west of Istambul. They were good times.

Now today... I had booked a yoga massage. I had anticipated something like a Thai yoga massage. I lie there in light clothing and the guy/woman stretches me for an hour. Well... something went a bit differently than anticipated.

I came there and she's like. "Ok undress completely." I had massages before and I don't really like lying somewhere naked and more or less covered by a towel... too late for regrets now. So I mentally prepare myself that I will lie there for 90 min, my bareness only barely covered by a towel and then she would start streching w/e. And then she presents it. She's like "Then put this on please". It looked like a mixture between a sanitary towel and a string tanga. It's a kind of papery pouch. You know... like the ones men wore in old photographs from the early 20th century when they needed to cover their nakedness. In the beginning, I wanted to laugh out loud. Then I wanted to sneak out before she noticed. Then I put it on. I have to admit, I felt a big degraded - standing there and a second later, lying on the mattress, face down, presenting my string to the world. Well... to the quite charming Indian woman.

Words like lesigh, facepalm, omg were in my mind, but what can you do.

You think that's the bad part? Oh my dear friends, not really. At first, she massages my complete backside. Arms, legs, etc. Sometimes a bit uncomfortable, but w/e. Now I have to turn and lie on my back.

In the beginning, the front was kinda ok as well. If you like, you can imagine how I felt, lying there, eyes closed and trying to relax (and not to laugh out loud). Some long, loong minutes later, I actually couldn't really feel if the pouch was still on right.

I haven't felt this awkward in a while. In a very long while.

I couldn't ask if my junk was hanging out, now could I.

I couldn't raise my head and look, now could I.

I tried to move a little bit to check, but that's kinda hard if someone has your leg in the air and presses your foot into your shoulder.

I decided to just clench my teeth and bear it. I mean, if it really was a bit "out there", who am I to deny her the view? *insert sarcastic laugh here* No really. It was the pinnacle of awkward.

When all was set and done and over and I lay quietly under the towel, I had the chance to check and thankfully, all was in its right place.

This episode of "My awkward life" was presented to you by "The perfect pouch".

Lyrics of the day: Way back into love by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore (don't ask).

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Book survey

You already know that books are a (too) big part of my life. So I read Hayley's blog and discovered a book survey. And I realized this would be an easy blog post :) so I took it. It took me probably a lot more time than to write a normal entry (fail), but anyway, here it is:

1. What author do you own the most books by?

My book collection is fluid, but right now... Lemony Snicket.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?

That's a tie between many books that I own the English and German version of. *oops... did I end that sentence right?*

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

Well... not really. English is my second language and I don't care as much as I should about these things :D

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

I rarely fall in love with book characters, I'm a shallow and visual person :) Give me cute actors anytime. Wait... what does that tell you about me? Forget I wrote that.

5. What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?

I have read some books like The Alchemist, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, City of dreaming books etc a number of times. Maybe 4-5x? But I don't really keep track.

6. What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

At 10 years, my favourite book was Drachenfeuer (Dragon fire) by Wolfgang Hohlbein. When I was 10, Harry Potter didn't exist yet ;)

7. What is the worst book you've read in the past year?

Well there is the usual suspect (B** Dawn), I also hated the brilliant book "Noone belongs here more than you", because it depressed the hell out of me.

8. What is the best book you've read in the past year?

I've read a huge number of great books in the last year (Kite runner, John Green's books etc come to mind), but the one that spoke most to me was "Perks of being a wallflower".

9. If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

I don't know how to answer this one. Forcing a book on someone is never a good idea. Maybe I'd force the HP series on people who think the books are as bad as the movies sometimes make them seem.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

I only want to see movies made into books that have a strong fantastic element, just to be amazed by special effects and foreign landscapes :) The character development is better in books anyway. So for this reason, I'd like to see the Otherland tetralogy as a movie. Mainly because I didn't like the books, but I liked the idea behind them.

11. What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

Oh God, so many. The least would actually be The perks... because I could imagine someone wanting to make it into a movie, but in my opinion it's impossible to do, because the beauty of the book is inside of the protagonist's head.

12. Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.

All my dreams are weird and I consider every dream that a writer appears in as weird, but no particular one comes to mind.

13. What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?

I'm with Hayley on that one. The Twilight series was probably the one I was actually hesitant to even tell people that I'm reading it. (Mind you, I read all 4 books in one week).

14. What is the most difficult book you've ever read?

Gödel, Escher, Bach. It killed my mind. In hindsight, it was stupid to try and read it in English at that time.

15. What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen?

I'm perfectly content in watching non-obscure Shakespeare plays, thank you very much :)

16. Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

Noone beats the Russians in literary style and general grandeness, but I personally prefer the French.

17. Roth or Updike?

I haven't read much of both, so I'll not pass judgement.

18. David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I've only read Sedaris, so Sedaris it will be :) He cracks me up.

19. Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare. Just 'cause.

20. Austen or Eliot?

Austen. A bit hesitant on my part, but Austen. Definitely.

21. What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

I've had times during my university studies where I read only less than 10 books a year.

22. What is your favorite novel?

What does "favourite" mean. The best one? The one I like to re-read most? The one that spoke to me the most? I can't possibly answer that, but one of the titles that up there is 100 years of solitude.

23. Play?

Not too much into modern plays, so some Shakespeare for me please. I don't go to the theatre often though.

24. Poem?

Yes. Oh you meant a specific one? Dickinson in the English language and many many in German. A specific one is difficult, maybe "Die Fahrende" by Gertrud Kolmar.

25. Essay?

I don't know too many essays, but one that stuck with me is about the genius cult in the late 1700.

26. Work of nonfiction?

I like books like Fermat's enigma, Universe in a nutshell etc.

27. Who is your favorite writer?

At the moment? I really like Maureen Johnson ;)

28. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

Oi. That's a mean question because you single handedly insult everyone who loves this writer. If I had to choose, I'd vote for Steph. Meyer. Simply because in her case the difference between deserved acclaim and actual success is largest.

29. What is your desert island book?

One book would be kind of cruel, but seeing as I haven't gotten far in "Infinite Jest" yet, I'd take that one and hope that boredom would force it on me.

30. And... what are you reading right now?

I'm a bit ashamed to say I'm reading Diabolus by Dan Brown (don't yell at me, I'm on holiday!) and will soon start HP7, Catcher in the Rye and many more (still 2 more weeks of vacation :)

Lyrics of the day: Put the book back on the shelf by Belle & Sebastian

Sebastian you're in a mess

You had a dream, they called you king

Of all the hipsters, is it true?

Or are you still the queen?

Like getting blood out of a stone

The city left you all alone

You came to dance, but there's no poignancy

When they all leave you standing alone

The wider issues of the day

Don't interest you, you'll have to pay

For looking at the floor

When people talk to you

You wrote a book about yourself

The people left it on the shelf

You'll write another one

Now you've got a story that's worth talking about

Are you happy with yourself?

Are you talking to yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?

Put the book back on the shelf

I know the company you keep

You're on the sofa hidden deep

While on the telly Sid James speaks

To you like God

You're always looking for a sign

But boy you blow it every time

You hear a voice begin to speak

You ignore it and go softly to sleep

Finding yourself

With the things I experienced during the last week, I could fill many blog posts, but I will try to be short and concise, because let's face it: people like the blogs they follow to come to the point ;) Or at least I do.

I took the above pic from the plane when I flew over the desert Sinai. No plant in sight for hundreds of miles. No shrub, no tree. Just rocks and sand. I have never experienced anything like it and it scared me. If you look at all the pictures I posted taken near my home, you know that I'm from a hilly, green country. Vineyards, fiels, forests. Being among that much sand and that little plants scared me.

I went for a vacation that lasted 1 day in the end. That's right, I flew to Egypt for 1 day. To my defense, I had planned to stay a week, but something came up. And with something, I mean personal issues (could I be any more vague?). Sufficed to say that I would not fly around the globe if it wasn't unavoidable.

This week, I learned much about myself. About who I am and about what I can do. I also got more scared than I had been in many years. That tends to happen when I delve too deeply into my self. What does that tell about me, if I can even scare myself with it? I don't really want to know. So I'm sitting in a 5-star hotel at the red sea. Thousands of miles from anyone I know. Noone, nothing to distract me. No work. No internet. Not enough books (seriously, what was I thinking? 5 books for a week? I read 3 in 2 days!). Just me and my thoughts.

I circled a very big dark hole for a day till I decided to try anything to get home, even if it meant to a) throw away money that I had already spent on the hotel and b) admit personal failure to the people at home. They said I shouldn't go on a vacation alone. It turns out that they were right, but not because I can't be alone or go on a vacation alone, it was a combination of many things. A series of unfortunate events, if you will.

Summary: I am afraid of my future. Like, "pull the covers over my head, close my eyes, put my hands over my ears and hum a lullaby" afraid.

It seems like a mockery to see the light blue button down there that says "save now".

Save now? Yes, please. And hurry.

Lyrics of the day: Save me by Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit

For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me

Come on and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell

You know what it's like

The long farewell of the hunger strike

You struck me dumb like radium

Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me

C'mon and save me

If you could save me

From the ranks of the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cept the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

But the freaks

Who suspect they could never love anyone

Never forget

As I am not the youngest anymore, I vividly remember a song by Take That called "Never forget (where you're coming from)". I always thought that to be excellent advice.

So today, I was driving home from work after about 11-12 hours of working without a break and I wasn't actually tired... and then it happened. An epiphany.

Just imagine the following situation and you know my life.

I'm in my convertible, driving, wearing my sunglasses. I'm blasting the new Owl city album with these saccharine lyrics that I grew to love so much... the sun is shining, some wind, some clouds... perfection.

and then it starts pouring. Raining cats and dogs. And I'm driving... fast enough that the rain can't touch me, the sun is still shining and I'm starting to laugh, because the whole situation is

A) ridiculous

B) futile, I can't stop anywhere to close the top and

C) completely and utterly like my life I can't stand it.

I love life. Even if mine is chaotic, tumbling out of control, crazy... I still love it.

The abstract notion of life and the personal one.

Whatever that may mean.

Lyrics of the day: Fireflies by Owl City

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies

Lit up the world as I fell asleep

Cuz they fill the open air

And leave teardrops everywhere

You think me rude, but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems

Cuz I get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

As they try to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head

A sockhop beneath my bed

The disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack

(Please take me away from here)

Cuz I feel like such an insomniac

(Please take me away from here)

Why do I tire of counting sheep?

(Please take me away from here)

When I'm far to tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies

I'm weird cuz I hate goodbyes

I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)

But I know where several are

If my dreams get real bizarre

Cuz I saved a few and I keep 'em in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe

That planet earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams