. . . and then there came a poem.

Flowers in the night bed

radiating smells of dreamy quality.

Leaves falling between shrubs

time is again every time new and the same.

No matter what we want

we shed tears for the images in our mind.

Time

Clocks pretend that there's a continuency of time. That every second of every day is the same length. I never liked physics too much... it's not in my nature to explain why the sky is blue or why water feels wet. Don't tell anyone, because that's not something a good scientist would say.

Time for me (and I guess for most people) is fluent. Sometimes, it runs, sometimes, it crawls. I have the feeling that my life is running away from me in a fast pace. I spent the last... 20 years learning, developing skills, preparing myself. But for what? For what John Green calls "The great perhaps". I just want to live and experience life in all its colours. I hope that everyone wants to do that, but I'm not 100% sure.

Today, I realized that im just not that interested in what's happening. My mom always judges me because I'm not interested in the news. In what's going on. The truth is that I'm only interested in why some things happen. Why something is going on. I don't need to know that person A did something B. I just want to know, why. Story of my life.

Imaginary withdrawal

Today, I will share something quite personal with you. You know, because we are friends, right? I am a complicated person. And I mean really complicated. But on the other hand, I am really easy to please in most areas of my life. For example, I don't really eat much and am not a gourmet, so if you want to please me with food, fried rice with vegetables does the trick. Or baked potatoes with brokkoli. Or pasta with peas. 

I'm simple like that.

Another area is my sleeping pattern. I normally don't have any trouble sleeping, but if I really want to summon instant sleep, I just have to do one thing.

If you think what you're thinking, then no...

I just have to imagine a certain someone lying next to me, breathing. This calms me so much, I am asleep instantly. Most of the time, I can't even finish the thought.

This is really typical for me. Others might want many splendored things, I just want this one person to sleep next to me.

I'm simple like that.

It makes me think about myself though... I don't pride myself in it, but I do have a fairly complicated brain. Even I get lost in it at least twice a day. So what does it mean, if I can be pleased with the simple things? If any of you people who read this are psychiatrists, please don't tell me how screwed up I am.

Two more days of work, then weekend. Good news: I will see the certain someone tomorrow... bad news: This certain someone doesn't know. Well... he does know that I see him, I'm not a peeping Tom. But I think (and in 90-95% that's the sad truth) he doesn't see me the same way. Life can be daunting and cruel ;) Like I said in a previous blog, I'm happy to feel anything at all. If it leads to heart ache, then be it. Better than not having felt at all.

Oh, you might wonder about the blog title (which I normally choose before I write the blog). I just thought about my feelings and it's like it was... the same time last year. I'm having symptoms of withdrawal, without ever actually having what I'm withdrawing from. Let me explain. When I lie in bed, I sometimes feel so lonely, because... well I'm alone. And this although acs (a certain someone) has never been here.

I was asking myself the same question last year. How can you miss something that you've never had. The answer maybe lies in the uniqueness that is the human mind or soul. But it's possible. 

And I'm on imaginary withdrawal.

The bracelet

Changes can be so abrupt, although the world up to now faked a certain idleness. It might very well be considered normal behaviour to blame your own fallibility on others. The world up to now tricked me into believing changes are an important part of life. I was naive to think that a) those changes would be in the right direction and b) I could control them.

All this goes through my head while it probably should be busy with other, more important matters. For example with the question how to escape this house unscathed. The building itself is of course not my main problem, but the handgun pointed at me.

Fear never stays the same, it has many colours. To be honest, I would have preferred it, if I hadn’t gotten to know my fear that well. I have always been suspicious of people jumping off bridges just to prove to themselves and the world around them that they are still alive. To me, behaviour like that seems to be a disease of civilisation.

A metal click brings me back to earth. I guess she removed the safety on the pistol. I have no previous knowledge of weapon handling and the connection to mankind’s general pool of wisdom as propagated by the movies seems to elude me today.

Everything would be so much easier if I understood what Anna is shouting at me. Not that I pride myself on thinking that I could defuse the situation. Probably, it would not even be consoling to know why she seems determined to shoot me here and now, because the “why” (in contrast to the “for what”) is usually of a more historical interest.

Is it possible to remove blood from a rug with salt and cold water if it’s several liters? And if so, how much salt would you need?

A movement in the corner of my eye distracts me. The door to the living room opens annoyingly slowly. It’s an oak door, two to tree hundred years old for sure. A bit unusual for a 40 year old house, but it’s this contrast that makes it look gentrified.

I should have known that I would see Ben again. It’s not without some irony that the situation I first met him in was also dominated by a small piece of metal. Admittedly, the brand Heckler&Koch was not involved back then. I slowly begin to understand.

From the outside, this would without a doubt be an interesting sight to see. How he talks quietly at her while she shouts back with a force bordering on audioviolence. Someone claiming that Italian is the language of culture doesn’t know Italian curses. A laugh almost escapes me, when I remember how I learned to pronounce compliments on a stranger’s underwear in a Beijing restaurant. This thought of the past painfully brings me back to the present. To this house by the beach. Up to know, the scene could not have taken longer than 5 minutes.

A small, but not insignificant detail has changed: Anna now points her outstretched arm in his direction. In my opinion, you should never point a weapon at your own family.

The shot is softer than I would have imagined. Like a closing door. A negligible sound trying not to disturb its surroundings. When I see Ben fall to the ground, I stare at the guy whose invitation led me to board the plane three days earlier. Munich-Genua. Two hour flight.

It’s only now I realize that tears are running down my face. My body seems to know the more appropriate reactions to my reality than my mind. I start to remember all the dinky details of my trip. The smell of the cab: Pajuli, tobacco, polish. The colour of the clouds above the lowlands of Milan shortly before my arrival: off-white, graying to the bottom. Rain clouds in the west. Rain that just arrived here this afternoon.

The only thing I can still hear is a quiet tingling far inside my head. Like the Christmas bell at home, signalling the arrival of the presents. I don’t feel anything. I feel everything at once. Not a single word passes my lips. Not that it would have been of use, because Anna doesn’t speak English. Doesn’t speak French. Doesn’t speak German.

The second shot rings out. It’s of a different tonal quality. Brighter? These two sounds will stay with me. How are you supposed to ever hear something again, if shades hidden in the sound remind you how life was before. Afterwards.

She crumbles and I can’t avert my eyes from her face. The only unusual detail is a red dot on her forhead, slightly smudged. Like an Indian woman whose sweat has let her Bindi run off. In life, you spend more time to forget than to learn, but you cannot forget the things you’d like to or keep the moments you need.

I stagger out of the living room, the house, onto the beach, sit down. Wouldn’t it be wise to call the police? The paramedics? I sit in the sand and watch the sun go down. The sea dazzles in all shades red.

He asked me to come. She pulled the trigger. Still it’s my fault, because I’m the only one left. Life can be so simple. 

There were enough indications that he wasn’t the rightful owner. I was too greedy. Talked myself into believing that this would be my chance. Doesn’t 100000 seem too low a price for two human lives? Isn’t it ironic that we live for decades, but everything important is packed into 72 hours? What could possibly come next? I’ve had enough for one person. I’m done.

Changes can be so abrupt. However, they don’t just happen. We change the world and I just sit here and watch us act it out. On a stage so big, so deceptively real-looking…

The last thing I hear before I lose conciousness is how quiet sirens merge with the sound of the breakers. The water dims out from red to black. The tide rinses the blood from my shoes.

Adventures

It's not like we can go out into the wild these days and have adventures. The forests hold few secrets and the hills are safe. And what's a safe adventure... adventure always incorporates danger.

Our world is civilized. Cultured. Primed. Forced into our way of thinking and of living. We don't let it breathe for itself anymore. We have become the prominent force on this planet and we plan to keep it that way... I digress from what I wanted to say.

The true adventures for us these days lie in the connection with other people. We get to know new people, make new friends. We take our old friends and re-explore them. We re-invent ourselves. We take off to another country or another town and learn to live our new lives with old and new people.

I am afraid of sharks.

I am way more afraid to go up to this cute guy and ask him if he would like to get something to drink sometime. That's where the adventures of our time lie.

I am afraid of heights.

I am way way more afraid to change my life. To let the old stuff go and start anew. This is where the challenges of our time lie. In us. Noone can challenge you like you can challenge yourself. Nothing is as frightening as opening yourself up to another person. Open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. Ridicule. Fist fights...

The worst thing is that you know you have to do it alone. There might be others to help you, but in the end, you have to go your own way. Learn life's lessons the hard way and the only way possible. Alone.

In other news... I looked at some of my videos and they make me laugh. I am so awkward on camera. I'm not funny, most of the time I don't even make sense... and it's kind of fitting and kind of sad, because on the one hand, my brain is a mess, but on the other hand, this mess has beautiful structures underneath. I have some things to say, but the only way they come out right is in written form. Writing is my way of expression. It has always been that way. I'm not a very good composer or painter, but I know how to write. I might concentrate on that from now on. I will keep on making videos, because I have so much fun making them, but I don't really expect them to improve anymore :)

I hope you people have a nice evening, I will spend tomorrow with friends visiting from Japan. Should be fun.

I love Paris in the springtime...

Words can hardly express the energy I felt in Paris. Mainly because I'm tired and English is my second language, after all... It felt to me like the city is buzzing... all these people are so un-apologetic. They do their thing and don't care what anyone thinks. Be it making music in the subway, walking down the Champs-Élysées, sitting in a restaurant wearing something right out of a comic book...

My few days there were exhausting to the point of no return, but I cherish them dearly. I spent some time with friends new and old, walking the streets of the freezing city that looks so warm and golden with all its lights. I laughed a lot and felt free for the first time in months. I always say that a lot of travelling is not for me, but strangely enough, I feel more alive when I'm in foreign cities. I even miss Texas, which is something I definitely would not have expected.

I'm in a weird state right now. I'm bursting with creativity, video ideas, abstract thoughts about manuscripts I have to write (for work) and want to write (for myself). On the other hand, my eyes are falling shut so I have to come back for some of it.

I have a crush on someone for the first time in... 9 months and my system doesn't really know how to handle feelings like that anymore. It feels nice though. Feeling something is always nice, even if it means making yourself vulnerable.

I think I have made great acquaintances (friends?) on the internet and maybe, just maybe some of you read this... so this is for you: <3

Goodnight, goodbye, till tomorrow. Sunday. The day of creativity, books, tea, and napping.

I know, I know

I haven't been blogging as much as I would like to have. I have been doing other stuff though. Expect some changes to my online persona soon... I'm trying to change my life for the better :)

Oh... and I'll be in Paris for a few days at the end of the week... so I won't update then, either. Don't be mad.