Sunday, 24 May 2009

On a day like today

Where to start... I went to Berlin for 4 days to visit my sister (as you already know). What I also did was meet up with two fellow Youtubers. I've never met YouTubers before, so I was happy to meet Kiwi and Kerstin. We went for Coffee and then a little bit of shopping. I got a fridge magnet for my sister and 2 pairs of underpants for me (powder-blue and purple, if you must know). It turns out that Youtubers are actually like normal people. Except they know what I'm saying when words like "subs" come out of my mouth. Fun times all around :)

My family then prepared a delicious dinner for me, my sis, my parents, my aunt and cousin. It was all very pleasant ;)

So today I was driving home from work and I realized how much I miss a "significant other" (gosh how I loathe this term) in all the little things in life. I was singing along as I always do, because if I don't sing, I fall asleep and we all know that this wouldn't be good. And as I was singing, I realized how nice it would be to have someone to sing along with. I think this makes a nice metaphor for my situation. I would like to have someone to sing along with in my life.

I wondered how I might look from the outside. I normally don't think about what others think of me, but today I actively thought about it. How do others perceive me? Who do they think I am? I am ok-looking (on good days), I am intelligent enough to hold a conversation (if I'm not too nervous, I cannot do small talk for the life of me - yes, I'm a lousy date), I earn enough money to not have to live on the street, I have some sense of fashion and music... Ok, many others also have these things, but I'm not overly repulsive, am I?
So these people (whoever they are)... if they see all these things... what do they think? Do I seem happy? Do I seem to have a plan for my own life? Do I seem to know what I'm doing? Because to be honest, I'm not, don't have, don't know.

I've had the fortune of many things falling into my lap, but what do I really know? Nothing. Not really.

A few weeks ago, I was driving in a car with my boss and said (may I remind you that I suck at small talk) that I always wanted to be a privatier, living off my money without having to work. *pause* yes, I actually told my boss that I don't want to work, but would rather live off my money *resume* and he bluntly told me that this would be a waste of talent. He actually thinks I'm talented at what I'm doing. Now this is the point where I'm rolling over the floor laughing (on the inside), because what does he know? He thinks THIS is talented? The degree of talent I present in my job is such a small fraction of real talents hidden deep deep beneth my lazy exterior that it seems insignificant to me.

Ok... I'm doing it again. I'm sitting here, listening to Ella Fitzgerald and Sia and let all my thoughts flow onto the screen. I'm sorry for that.

I'll talk to you soon (tomorrow diving - yay for cute guys in the shower!), take care my friends.

Lyrics of the day: I need to be in love by the Carpenters

The hardest thing I've ever done
Is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world
For me
The way that people come and go
Thru temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say "No promises,
Let's keep it simple"
But freedom only helps you say
It took a while for me to learn
That nothin' comes for free
The price I've paid is high enough for me

(*) I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted too much time
I know I ask perfection of
A quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's
What I'll find

So here I am with pockets full
Of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me
I'm wide awake at four a.m.
Without a friend in sight
Hanging on a hope but I'm alright

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