2008 - part I

A spark of hope

flown by

remembered

for what it was.

A memory of a possibility

etched in

promising

something it might never be.

Life is happening when you're busy...

well... The quote should be like this "Life is what's happening when you're at work". Bah humbug. I would like to have enough money to last my for my lifetime. I'd still have enough to do.

I posted my talent entry today *hip hip hurray*. It's not as great as I would have liked it to be, but at least there are no mistakes concerning notes and time duration. Let's be happy about the little things, shall we?

I am still considering moving to wordpress... I don't know about this blogspot business... and it gets a bit confusing if I have more than one blog. I have enough stuff to write in 4 blogs, mind you, but not enough time and energy.

If you want to, you can check out my awesome and not yet finished new blog and leave me a comment telling me what you think. I don't know yet :)

Oh, my talent entry:

Schumann - Träumerei (played awkwardly by yours truely).

I'm also considering auditioning for a collab channel on YT, but I don't know if I have the time to do it right. We shall see.

Now on the agenda? Sleep. G'night my fellow travellers.

From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band.

The year is ending and it's time for summaries... almost. We still have a couple of days. I have to work next week and I'm not one to celebrate new years too much. I don't know yet, if 2008 was my favourite year or not. More about that in a few days ;)

In other news: Xmas is over and I'm the most exhausted that I've been in months. Family stuff is always sucking the energy right out of me.

I feel like I have so much to blog about. Too much. When I sit down to write, I don't know where to start. Sometimes I write whole passages and then delete them, because I also don't know where to stop.

I have several journals, although I haven't written much into them in the last couple of months. Blogging is easier for me. I have actually made a Vlog about my different journals on my secondary YT account... but I have one very special journal. I only write into it once a year. When I come home from new years eve celebrations at... whatever time. 2am. 3am. 4am. I open this journal and I write an entry, writing about the year gone by. The hope I had and that got crushed (or not). The things I did that I'm proud of (or not). The things I would like to accomplish in the next year.

If I sit down and read what I've written in the last.... 7-8 years, I can see my path more clearly, even if I didn't see it at the time I wrote the entry. It's much like fashion. You look around and think "there is no 'fashion of the '00s like there was 'fashion of the 80ies, 90ies etc'" but there is. And in a decade you will see it. From a distance, things seem clearer. And more managable...

Xmas

So it's Christmas time again :) My family is in bed now and I will follow soon. For me, getting/giving presents is exhausting.

I got totally nice things and the rest of my family did, too, but that's not what I want to talk to you about.

This morning, I was in my favourite coffee bar and the owner told me something interesting. She said that in her opinion the advent time, the weeks before xmas, they are so full of stress, of shopping, of having not enough time to do it all.... that when all presents are open on xmas eve, the people realize that their problems are still there. That the world doesn't rotate around presents. That they put off their problems for the last few weeks with spending and hectic, but the problems are still there. And that's why there is so much depression after the holidays.

We try to sugar coat our lives when in reality, we should use this time to honestly reflect. To mend. To talk to people.

I often asked myself how much drugs and heartache people could avoid, if they talked more honestly with each other...

On a much happier note: Merry Christmas to all my blog readers :) I know that there are 2-3 of you out there...

Report on life.

I don't know how much I still like blogger. Don't get me wrong, it's a very easy way to get your thoughts out there, but it lacks flexiblity somehow... I might migrate ;)

But I don't know yet how it will all work out.

I mean, who knows how things will work out :) 

Tonight, I talked to someone about the destructive nature of diaries. We came to the conclusion that all a diary does is remind you of the times gone by. Nothing bad about that. It doesn't, however, solve anything to write things down. It forces us to rethink them, that's true. But rethinking doesn't solve any problems. Trust me, I have tried to get myself in gear by the sheer power of thought. It doesn't work.

Like "Playing by heart" says "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture". The same here. Reading about meditation won't do you much good if you don't meditate. Writing about your problems won't do you much good, if you don't get off your ass and do something about it.

If you don't know yet what your problem really is - maybe rethinking is a good thing. If you're ready to put your thoughts into words, however, you're probably at the stage where actions speak louder than words.

All of this doesn't mean that I will abandon my diary. My Vlogs. Blogs. Etc. I'm in too deep to do that. I'm just saying that my life might be different today if I had spent more time living than writing/reading about living.

Partytime - Excellent.

Ugh. I'm sitting in my lab office waiting to go to the xmas party. I am so freaking tired and don't think for a second that this will be a 2-3h deal... nope. I will probably come home around 1-2am. If I'm lucky.

Don't get me wrong. I like my collegues, I have nothing against a nice Italian (dinner). Ouch - that pun hurt.

But to work for like 11h and then go to an official party for 6h? That's a bit much for me.

The point of xmas parties is also a bit lost on me as I don't drink alcohol, I am opinionated, and I have taste in music. Different taste - maybe. Taste nonetheless. And if I am really lucky, there will be a club attendance in my very near future.

On a much brighter note: I have 10 days off work from tomorrow on, so I can get into the xmas spirit. Xmas songs, comfy afternoons in my room with movies and tea and cookies and books and my computer and.... my family.

It's my grandma's 90th birthday next week, so that will be interesting.

Anyway... there is so much work that I could just keep on working, but what's the point of that? I have other goals for the next week. None of which include working if I can help it.

In other news, I decided to put another video gadget on my blog with my secondary channel. On this channel, I mainly just put on photo booth and start singing. I call these sessions "spontaneous creative outbursts" and I have fun with them :)

It is a bit insulting that my secondary channel still gets subscribers and subscribers whereas my primary stays in its comfort zone of 32. Meh. Doesn't matter really. Bye now and wish me luck.

Sometimes I wish

This morning I went to fill my car up with gas. I stood there, the sun was rising, it was freezing, and I took this picture of the sunrise beyond the hills.

I sometimes wish I could just pack my stuff in my car and drive away. Leave everything behind. Just drive wherever I want to. Work in some stores or farms for a while. Drive on. Never stop. Never look behind.

Our lives get filled up with so much baggage. So much stuff over the time. We have bills to pay. People to care for. We have social networks to attend to. We have jobs to do...

It gets hard to remember sometimes why we do it. Why do we do the things we do. What is it for? What's life all about?

I try to tell myself that I would find out, if I just drove away and kept driving and never stopped till I have seen everything. Till I have found everything I was looking for.

I sometimes get the feeling of living in a cage. Of rules. Appointments. Classes. Things. People. And then I just want to break through the walls and go for it. But I never do...

I fill up my car with gas, get in, drive to work, and stay. And stay.

Emily Dickinson's last words:

I must go in, the fog is rising.

Perfection... or lack thereof.

Ok... so I tried to record my talent entry for YouTube's symphony orchestra today. And I tried for over an hour to record my 5 minutes, but no such luck. I messed up. Everytime.

Sometimes I would press a key, but the sound would be a bit too soft. Or I played a wrong note. Or held one note a bit too long. Or too short. Sometimes I varied the tempo too much. Or I was too fast altogether...

Normally, I don't mind a bit of imperfection. It was (when my piano playing was concerned) always good enough. Never perfect, but good enough. I never practiced enough to play without flaws. Looking back, if I had done that I would probably be a conductor now and not a scientist, but life leads us different ways than what we might expect at one point or another...

I ended up deleting all the footage and might try again tomorrow... I swore to myself. This time. This time! THIS TIME!!! I will only submit my video, if I'm 100% content with it. Not one mistake. Not one tempo wrong or volume or accent or legato. Not one. Or I will not submit.

I might end up not submitting anything, but you have to start someplace to set some boundaries, right? They wouldn't take me anyway, if my performance is flawed, so I would submit for naught if it's not 100%. I don't even think I have a chance even if I'm at my 100%. There are some amazing piano players on YT. But we will see :)

Seasons and people

How the seasons can change the countryside. These 2 pictures were taken about 3 months apart at the same spot. Each is beautiful in it's own way, although they are totally different.

Fascinating. And relieving. There is something calming in the changing of the seasons. It gives live a rhythm. A purpose. 

You always know that when summer is passed, autumn starts. Then winter. Then spring again. Nothing can change that. 

No wars can prevent the snow from falling and covering up the bodies and destroyed buildings. No sadness can keep the trees from budding in spring. 

No passed love, settled into something different and deeper, can keep the summer from heating up the lands. Drying up the grass...

Seasons change the world. 

So do people. 

Seasons change. 

Do people?

It's around that time...

Why do I always post at 11pm? Oh yeah. Right. Because I'm terribly tired, but just don't want to go to bed.

Today I thought about a problem with 2 parts: My love life.

Part I: I am romantic at heart. I believe that I will find someone. You will ask what's the problem with that? The problem is that I got kind of picky... I just don't want to settle on someone who is allright instead of someone who makes me weak in the knees. And no, I did not mean it like that.

Part II: I am a misanthrope. I don't like clubs, I rarely enjoy pubs, I try to avoid aggregations of human beings. The problem here is that I don't really meet a lot of new people AND the problem is that a guy who could be right for me also doesn't like to go out where many people are.

You might say: Well if you find a guy in the middle of nowhere and he is just right, then you can rightly assume that it's fate. Great. Just rub it in won't you?

Now we come to the third part of the problem (I know I said there are 2, but the 3rd is kind of a result of the other 2). It has worked before. And that's the main catch. How can I rationally tell my brain and my character traits to change when it has worked before?

Of course, the chance of that happening again are very slim, but I'd rather make great new friends and talk to people and be happy doing that than being with someone just to be with someone. That wouldn't be fair to him and it would kill me. Let's face it, that's the main reason. I'm selfish that way.

This sounded like fun :)

I stole this from Adam's blog. God only knows where it started ;)

"grab the book closest to you. go to page 56. find the 5th sentence. write that sentence in the text box."

Ok... mine is:

Had I a mighty gun

I think I'd shoot the human race

And then to glory run!

From the complete poems of Emily Dickinson. Wow, that's a strong statement...

Questionaire

I stole this from Mememolly and Amazingphil and Charlie. And it took almost 45 minutes to fill this out!

1. What’s your name?

Nicholas. My friends call me Nichi, because there's a sign next to my room at home made by my sister. She wasn't that great in crafting so she ran out of space at Nich. Thank God she at least put an "i" at the end.

2. What is your favorite thing to wear?

Blue jeans, white T, thin sweater.

3. Last thing you ate?

Pumpkin soup. Weird... but true.

4. One place you will NEVER eat at?

Don't really know. I like to try stuff. Walmart?

5. I say Shotgun, you say:

Why?

6. Last person you hugged?

Collegue at her birthday.

7. Does anyone you know wanna date you?

Possibly. Probably the wrong sex though.

8. Would you date anyone you met online?

Sure. You get to know people better online than in real life anyway.

9. Name something you like physically about yourself:

My hands.

10. The last place you went out to dinner to?

A re-modeled mill on the side of the river (d'uh).

11. Who is your best friend?

Painful topic. Next plz.

12. What time of the day is it?

11pm

13. Who/What made you angry today?

I don't get angry often... didn't get angry today.

14. Baseball or Football?

Excuse me?

15. Ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes.

16. Favorite type of Food?

Deserts. Yum.

17. Favorite holiday:

Christmas, of course!

18. Do you download music:

Legally: often. Illegally: only if I can't get it legally.

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?

I only wear my socks once before washing them. So I guess that's a "yes".

20. Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?

Totally unacceptable even if you do speak Chinese.

21. Would you date the person that posted this?

Damn gotcha left wing liberal media tricked me!

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?

No. I feel sad now.

23. Do you love anyone?

I love many people :) but not just anyone, I'm a snob that way.

24. Are colored contact lenses sexy?

I can't really wear contacts for a period of several hours, because my eyes start burning... so if you think red eyes are sexy then yes. I also really like my eye colour. It changes with light and mood.

25. Have you ever bungee jumped?

Omg. No. I'm terrified of heights.

26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?

No. But I think I might do that.

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?

Yes. Yes. Unfortunately yes. I think I once made a video blog about that.

27. How many pets do you have?

None. I stick to plants after my dog died.

29. Have you met a real redneck?

I was in Texas. That was a "yes", if you didn't notice.

30. How is the weather right now?

Cold and clammy and actually quite dark.

31. What are you listening to right now?

iTunes library. Right now: Elliott Smith - Don't Go Down.

32. What is your current favorite song?

Hmm.... Field below. Regina Spektor.

33. What was the last movie you watched?

Hanami - cherry blossoms. Best movie I've seen this year. (Well... this one and Wall-E).

34. Do you wear contacts?

Try to avoid it.

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?

Yoga class.

36. What are you afraid of?

Many things. Among them clowns, masked people, and darkness. Pretty generic stuff.

37. How many piercings have you had?

0

38. What piercings do you want?

0

39. What’s one thing you’ve learned this year?

Love hurts.

40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?

We don't have a starbucks where I live. But I do like the soy pancakes :)

42. Have you ever fired a gun:

Air rifle many many years ago. I hate guns.

43. Are you missing someone?

Many. Many. Many people that I haven't even met yet.

44. Favourite TV show?

Buffy. Can't do anything about it :) and don't want to.

45. Do you have an obession with WoW?

I play sometimes. Obsession? Nope. I was obsessed during a part of the summer of '05. That's way over.

47. Has anyone said you look like a celebrity?

People who look like be don't become famous. Although I went to a hat party last year and people said I looked like Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain. I thought that was kinda ironic.

47. What celeb do you look like?

Phew... a young Timothy Hutton I guess. Part of the reason Ordinary People threw me for a loop.

48. Who would you like to see right now?

Not really in the mood (or clothes) to meet people, but there are several people in other countries I'd like to see right now. And Doris.

49. Favorite movie of all time?

Can't decide. Harold & Maude is up on the list for sure. So are many others. Tonari no Totoro!

50. Do you find yourself loved?

Yes.

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t suppose to?

All the time. Honestly. All. The. Time.

52. Favorite smell?

Lemon blossoms.

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?

Sugar! :D

54. What’s something that really bugs you?

Many things. Nothing major though... Ok. Maybe dirty cutlery. Weird, I know.

55. Do you like Michael Jackson?

He has created some of the most amazing songs ever. Now he's just crazy. So No, I don't like him. I like some of his old music though.

56. Taco Bell or Burger King?

Neither. King fries if you force me.

57. What’s your favorite perfume?

L'eau d'Issey

58. Favorite baseball team?

Basewhat?

59. Ever call a 1-900 phone number?

Don't know what that is.

60. What’s the longest time you’ve gone without sleep?

maybe 40h? I've had insomnia in the past though... so I've had like 20h of sleep in a week.

61. Last time you went bowling?

This spring. I despise bowling. And I suck at it. Not connected though.

62. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?

In a coffin. New coffin though. And not closed. God, I'm weird. Don't judge me.

63. Who was your last phone call?

Some collegue today... we all talk over the phone all day for a few seconds at a time.

64. Last time you were at work?

Few hours ago.

64. What is the closest orange object near you?

The complete poems of Emily Dickinson has an orange back cover and lies on my desk right now... does that count?

Courage.

What is courage? For me, courage begins with thinking something others dare not. But real courage needs to be expressed. Courage is following your dreams no matter where they take you. Courage is telling someone to shut up when he's ignorant, racist, hating. Courage is allowing yourself to be who you are, which can be the most frightening thing of all.

Standing up to yourself and for yourself should be mandatory. Should be told at schools. We meander through life. Afraid of who we are. Ignorant of who we could be, if we let ourselfs.

Courage is dreaming. Dreaming big.

Courage is this poem of Günther Eich. Maybe you'll find a translation somewhere...

www.gedichte.vu/?wacht_auf.html

It's Sunday evening and what did I accomplish this weekend? Relaxation. Well... if relaxation is an accomplishment. I didn't work. I don't know... I can't really bring myself to work on the weekend, when I've worked the whole week.

I thought a lot about death and about money the last few days... both not really pleasant topics, but what can you do - you have to deal with both.

I think I will make a video about death soon. It seems appropriate, but I don't really know why.

That happens quite often recently. I know stuff, but I don't know where I know it from. Or I can tell, if something is right and works, but can't tell you, why I know that. Strange. Just when I thought that I couldn't possibly be any stranger.

I hope that you guys had a pleasant weekend and are already in the christmas spirit. I think I still need some time for that. And I don't have any gifts yet! Don't remind me.

I really need to get my online life in order. All those pages. Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogspot, Homepage, YouTube... just to mention a few. I need to sort out, which ones are important to me and polish my profiles and I need to cancel those that I don't really use/want to use.

Take care.

I'm baaack (or was I really gone?).

Sooo... I might reactivate this blog.

I know, I know. I told you guys that I would do my own weblog and I did (!), but I miss the interactions of blogspot. Follow people and stuff... So yeah. I'm back. Are you excited?

I'd really like to import all of my blogs that I did in the last few months into this blog, but I have no idea how to do that. Meh. Let's try and see and find out ;)

Real blog entry probably today. Be excited!